Jailhouse Jesus

All New Years start with........

2012-01-07T22:39:00.000-06:00

resolutions.

Don't they?

Mine seem to and in most cases the year ends with a new list looking a lot like the old one. But some things get marked off and some things continue as they should.

One year my list was to increase my service to God and His Kingdom. Not a bad resolution and one I should keep, increase and stay focused on without lag. I can be busy with the busy of life but I cannot be too busy to serve God.

And for me, serving God means serving women in prison through other ministries; discipling them as best I can as I was discipled and showing them the love they can trust, God's love through my eyes and heart and time. I feel wonderful in prison (knowing I can walk out of course) but working with these women and sharing with them the hope that is theirs as well as mine. I love taking the time to teach and listen and cry and walk with them through their journey. I come home feeling blessed and joyful and happy! I cannot tell you how much!

I just finished up a session of Celebrate Recovery with the ladies in 3E at the Lockhart Unit and celebrated their 6 month graduation from the faith based dorm. What a joy it was to get to know each and every one of them. I watched faith grow, faith questioned, change happen and God working.

These ladies, despite their fears of sharing too much, trusting others or God, dug in deep and worked hard to find the areas of their life that at this moment they were ready to deal with and let God heal.

Seeing them each week, singing praise songs side by side, working through a tough curriculum made each week a new experience but a joyful part of my week.

I already miss them. Some I continue to hear from; others I do not. I am moving on to the Woodman Unit teaching Beth Moore's Breaking Free and facilitating Bridges to Life Groups on Monday nights. I will adore working with these ladies as well and I will find connection, family and love as I do so.

My New Years resolution; just keep doing what I'm doing and loving God, my family and His family as He commands me to do to the best of my ability and with more reliance on the Holy Spirit to pour out that love, the love I once so needed and now so need to share.

May God richly bless your New Year and may He direct your path to your ministry.

The holidays.........

2011-12-07T17:32:00.003-06:00

Happy Holidays?

I don't think so. It's Christmas. It's Christ's birth celebration.

And we gather round our families, dinner tables laden with the most savory foods and wonderful desserts. We exchange gifts. We may even sing carols and participate in church programs. We are busy and filled with a special joy that at no other time do we feel.

But there are places that aren't laden with wonderful foods and gifts all around. There are women and men who want the day to pass quickly and quietly so they don't have to ponder their families "out there" without them.

They sit behind their bars and may receive a hygiene package from the Salvation Army or a small pack of necessities given by a ministry here and there. But they are not allowed to share with one another if they can afford commissary and another inmate cannot. They are not allowed to watch every sappy Christmas movie on TV. They are not even in some units allowed to gather together simply to break out in carols if they choose.

I was fortunate during my incarceration; because I did not miss Thanksgiving or Christmas. I did not miss out on the holidays that in our family were of the highest importance. I may have missed other holidays and birthdays but I was home in time for the holidays and I cannot imagine what my state of mind might have been had I had to spend Christmas behind bars.

Especially in the early days of my time behind bars, those times when I did not have a relationship with Christ, Christmas would have had a far different meaning to me and I would have focused totally on what I was missing and what I did not have and could not do. I would not have focused on the birth of our Savior and the grand plan the God of all had put in place.

I pray as you gather round your tables and trees and gather in celebration; that you say a prayer to the one who came to save, for each and every man and woman currently behind bars. I pray you lift them up that they find peace and the love that only God can provide during this very special time of year and no matter your circumstances or what you face, realize you are blessed beyond measure. You are out here, reading this blog, preparing for your "holidays" and hopefully focusing on the great "I AM". He was born a baby, brought the Good News to us that we can be saved and died on a cross for each and everyone of us; even the least of us we may want to forget about.

Pray for them. Those you might call your enemies. Pray. And be thankful and joyful. Christ is born.

Learning to love

2011-08-17T13:07:00.004-05:00

Last night I finished rereading the letters I had written to my father during my incarceration. Wow.

I remember thinking I was writing pleading, but loving letters of apology and remorse. Our memory is jaded in times of stress to say the least.

Bottom line, I was angry. I was bitter and hateful and striking out at the only person that seemed to be working the most to take care of my life details and staying in touch with me through it all! I not only lashed out at my father through almost all the letters in the first two months but I confessed just about every negative, horrible, criminal, immoral act I had ever committed for great shock value! I was "off the chain"!

Then "the letter" - the letter after the night I accepted Christ and I could read something new. A peace, a calm, a resolve; but more importantly a reaching out to my dad that I cared and I was sorry and I truly wanted something different. I expressed my confusion at my life without blame and anger. I wrote about my childhood memories and experiences with a broken but hopeful heart. I wrote page after page that sounded like a different person than before.

Then there was silence.

My Dad sent me all the letters he could find that I had mailed to him during my time in jail; letter after angry letter for two and half months...then "the letter"...then silence.

When he sent the letters to me he included a short note:

Hi Hon:

Here are all that I can find.

There seems to be a large gap in correspondence from the end of April until shortly before your release. That may be due to more phone calls - I dunno.

Love,
Dad

Due to more phone calls? There were very few calls during that time. I remember going from constantly calling and constantly begging to a time of peace with God as I read the Bible and walked through the first few months of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I knew, when I read the short note that there were no missing letters. There was a special time in which I was totally focused on God and the only letters I wrote were to the clergy, Joy, asking questions and writing about what I was reading.

I do remember that time; a special, private time that God and I became friends. A time alone when He told me things I had never known about Him and about me. A time when my heart was softening, my words were changing and my actions were focused more on others than myself. I was talking with others about God, I was reading and sharing when asked and I was spending time alone rather than in the fray of things.

My final letter to my Dad before I was released was gentle, kind, hopeful but somewhat scared of the future. I thanked him for all he had done and talked about what it had been like inside. I described a sincere desire to have God heal my heart. I have him a glimpse of the women I had met (without the purpose of scaring him or manipulating him into action.) I talked about how Joy and I were talking about creating a ministry and what that would mean for my life outside of here. I even said I realized now how all this was the best thing to ever happen to me as I knew I was on a downward spiral that wasn't going to end well.

Mostly I talked about life in jail; the legend of Jeffrey (the jailhouse ghost) and singing with the girls during times of levity. I talked about seeing people differently and learning to have tolerance where anger and arrogance had always been.

The letter was eight pages long and expressed everything I had been through and how my life was going to change but I was okay with that, no matter how hard.

I had learned that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13) and that meant walking out the doors and living a life Christ would approve. I was changed. And I think it showed in this last letter. I was 35 days away from release and I was focused on my son's birthday, moving in with Joy and reassuring him I was fine physically and emotionally.

And it ended with:

"...I am sorry for all I've put everyone through but in the end its done some really wonderful things. For one thing I've been able to finally see how much my own Dad loves me; something I never believed before. It has to be all uphill fro here. I'll be in touch soon but maybe not before I am out. I love you. Les"

As insane as it seems, I learned to love in jail.

Excuses and Explanations

2011-08-08T20:38:00.000-05:00

I was facing my attorney through the glass window; he asked "Were you on drugs? alcohol? something I can use a defense?"

"No," I replied, head down, hands folded in front of me.

"They have you on camera, there really isn't any way out of this. But if you can give me your reasoning, what you were thinking."

A few weeks later, standing in the court room, the prosecutor asked "Do you have a drug or alcohol problem?"

Then the Court Clerk, conducting the pre-probation interview asked the same thing. "What were you thinking? Do you have a drug addiction or problem with alcohol?" She was angry and barely kept her voice from echoing through the room. She kept at me, "What were you thinking, give me an excuse for this kind of behavior!"

Everyone wanted a reason, an excuse really, that would allow them to be okay with my crimes. Heck, didn't they know I wanted the same thing? I wanted a really good excuse that would allow me to just walk away from this and get the pity and leniency that others were being shown.

I told my attorney about my childhood sexual abuse, about how lonely and scared and tired I was. I told him about working long hours for the Department of Family and Protective Services and how I was owed over $1200 in travel expenses and money was non-existent for me. I told him lots of things; excuses but not explanations.

I didn't want to sound like I was making excuses, in my heart I really wanted to take full responsibility and I wanted people to see that in my eyes and hear it in my voice and realize that I felt true repentance and shame and guilt; not at getting caught but at what I had done. I wanted them to know I wasn't just some "habitual criminal" that thought I deserved whatever I could get and yet........

There are no excuses or explanations or any words that make bad judgment, bad decisions, bad behavior okay. It is what it is. It's a mistake, some worse than others but all just big ole mistakes. But it's really more than that; it's sin. It's a break from God's moral law and His best idea of who we are. And it is only Him that can make us clean and pure in His eyes again.

But praise Him for so long ago, thousands of years before I would make my "mistakes", He would make a way to preserve, redeem and reconcile He and I. Praise Him for knowing and for creating my salvation long before anyone would know I would need it and praise Him for allowing me the opportunity to need Him so much that I would break down every objection to Him I ever had so that I could accept His free gift of forgiveness, mercy, grace and love.

I've often heard the women I work with say "I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to explain what happened." The crazy truth is there is little difference between an excuse and an explanation. The truth is I have suffered some of the same tragic experiences that they have; some more, some less. But our past is not an excuse or explanation of our choice of sin. The bible tells us that our sin nature is part of our flesh; and we can either walk in the flesh and go about sinning or we can call upon the power of the Holy Spirit to help us walk with Him and follow only His will for our life.

Today I hope I walk more in the Spirit than in the flesh; I hope as I walk along people see the glow of Him in my life and they don't have to ask "Give me a reason why you did that?" but instead ask "How is it you can do that, I want to live like that!" And I can say, "There's only one explanation and His name is Jesus Christ!"

I hope someday someone will say that to me.....that someday they will want what I have in my heart and they will want it because the way I walk through life shows something that they don't often see. But mostly I want to live a life free of excuses and explanations; living more for Him and less for me. Everyday, I want to live more in a way that doesn't have a need of excuses and explanations. Every day I want a chance to say "I do what I do because I have Jesus." and know that is the only explanation that is valid. Anything less is an excuse for poor living and poor living is sin. Rich in the Lord; poor in sin. Explain away that, if you can. .

2011-08-05T00:41:00.003-05:00

We went out to the Lockhart unit, our fourth trip taking Celebrate Recovery Inside to the faith based dorm and as always God is working in each lady; some resistant, some ambivalent, some hungry and anxious. But we do see things happening.

While our ministry sits in a season of sowing and fertilizing; of gathering and refocusing, I am enjoying the time I am spending with God of Hope Ministries and Bridges to Life. They are keeping me humble, grounded and feeling lifted up to the Lord.

Ecc 3:1-8

2011-07-18T13:31:00.002-05:00

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.

Change is something no one seems to do well. From changes in our lives, our relationships or our routines. Change is something I learned about in jail; change from this dorm to that, this tank to that, this bunk to that; this schedule and routine to that. I didn't like it but it wasn't my choice and I learned for the first time in my life, it was a part of life.

The same holds true for how we spend our time, who we have in our lives and what we can count on to be true. God tells us nothing stays constant in the world we see but Him. There is a time for everything and everything changes.

My ladies in Woodman and Lockhart live with change. They live with the overpowering knowledge that tomorrow they could be wisked hundreds of miles away from one unit to another and not just a few doors down but literally to a city and unit that they have no idea where in the state it is; but they must go because the handcuffs that bind them are hard to break.

Out here in the world we think our lives are our own but we forget that we are His and He has plans that are in motion. We can fight it but the seasons He lays out in our lives are the seasons we will walk through and trusting His purpose for them is the trust we lay at His feet if we are believers.

Change is our part of our lives. Sowing and reaping, living and dying, laughing and crying, tearing and mending, speaking and silence. Our family learned this recently and I am reminded that in the end days especially we will find times of turmoil and toil; brother against brother; believer against non believers and change we did not want or could not forsee is a part of a grander plan.

I can only take peace from what I know is constant. I have a loving, forgiving, everlasting Father in Heaven, whose plans for me are grander than this station in which I find myself and this circumstance that seems so hard. Our task is to walk through changes and not let the changes change us unless we are certain it is of God's molding and firing but trusting He has our back in all things and He is our rock in the storm.

I pray that today. My house is shaken but my faith in Him is not. I'm holding on.

Vengeance is mine.........

2011-07-06T19:45:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, I've been watching the Casey Anthony case for the last month. I had strong opinions about her guilt or innocence and having stood before a judge and a room full of people angry and filled with disdain to say the least toward me personally, I had some idea how it feels to be "judged" by strangers.

As the trial progressed I was sure she was guilty and I was sure she would be convicted; I also became, like many, convinced she would face the death penalty.

But I had other thoughts as well. I wondered about her salvation, about whether she was being ministered to and whether she was getting the loving support of Christians who could look past her actions (or alleged actions) to tell her the Good News of her Lord and Savior. Had she faced the outcome of lethal injection, I DID wonder, who is considering her afterlife and her reconciliation with God.

And even today I wonder who is talking to her about her relationship with Jesus Christ.

Despite the actions of our lives, we all fall short of the grace and glory of God. And each and every one of us, in little and big ways have sinned in the eyes of a purely just and righteous God. In the passion of the headlines and the opinions we form based on news and what we believe our knowledge to be, we often forget that the ultimate questions aren't in this life and in our behaviors as much as our ultimate relationship with Jesus.

I avoid most posts about current events. I focus on the ladies that we have served and those I meet as I walk into the TDCJ units. I focus on the ladies I can talk with and share my story with that I hope provides hope and a new look at life as it relates to a life "in Christ". But this case brought home many emotions in me that I wanted to share; I have been judged and not liked due to my crimes. I still feel the sting of how my crimes were catagorized and the outcomes today. I still cannot practice my profession and its still up in the air if I ever will be able to do so. But I am not the person I was then and I have in my life someone who overshadows all that the world has to say about me. I rejoice in that.

More than what we think about any case or person we see on the news, the outrage over their actions, the disgust that we somehow are "above" that action or person; we need to remember that we are sinners. All. Sin lies deep in each of us and none of us will avoid standing before the Lord.

No matter what you think about this case or others; remember that our right standing with God is what comes first. Focusing on our own relationship with Christ will help us deal in a gentler manner with others. I am reminded of a famous tele-evangelist saying "We aren't called to judge anyone; we are called to love."

Yes, I agree the heinous acts of some make it hard to "love them" and to find sympathy but if we hope to find ourselves standing before the Lord with more than negatives on our list of "things to discuss" we might want to summon up some emotion outside of hate, rage and anger toward others. I may still believe Ms. Anthony guilty of her crimes but I am reminded of God's words...."'Vengeance is mine,'saith the Lord." I must leave it in His hands and focus on me and my relationship with Him. I have to sigh, then look to Him. Heavenly Father, I ask only for peace and for all hearts that need your love be filled to the full. In Jesus name, Amen.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/07/casey-anthony-jury-reaches-verdict/1

Germination

2011-05-31T21:55:00.002-05:00

Its been a while. Time passes so quickly we cannot even keep up. Our days are busy, fast and filled with tasks and keeping up with a blog, a business or three and a ministry! Things suffer. This is one of them.

I wished I could say we've moved from our old address and set up housing in a new location but that's not the case; yet. I wished I could say our ministry is growing by leaps and bounds and God is blessing it over and over but it appears He has us in a season of germination.

What I can say is that while we wait on what the Lord directs us to do, we are filled with a happy anticipation that our will is in line with His will and we walk with an assurance that things will come in time.

Right now, we build businesses in the hopes that someday we can employ those coming out of prison and give them liveable wages and a sense of empowerment and self esteem through a hard days honest work. We talk to many about the needs of the ministry and the growing number of homeless in the community. We talk with those working inside the system and we support ourselves and our families through it all.

We have redeemed lives, you see. Lives through Christ that are not what we expected or planned but lives so full to the brim with joy and focus and fulfillment that we cannot find things to complain about and when we do find ourselves griping about this little thing and that....well we find ourselves really rethinking our priorities in life and I for one, immediately go back to scripture to find my roots and reground myself in His truth.

I am happy that I am part of something building toward God's will and I feel that I am walking in His purpose for my life as I work with other organizations and that's wonderful, fabulous and well, its fun! I am His child, busy and happy and loved. Not all days are great and perfect; some are even painful. But I am in the midst of learning more and more how to trust Him in all things and to stop when I find fear creep in, an errant thought or a leaning to the old ways of living. I recognize that I am called to a greater standard and a higher example to others because I have chosen to serve God in my life without exception. And when I get impatient I am reminded that this plan I walk out is not mine and I must slow as He slows me and speed up as He speeds things up. I am to walk with a grace He provides, use a soft voice in most cases and speak strong and loud His name for His sake, not mine.

Memorial Day passed quietly in our family this year. My children enjoyed time with their father and his family while I spent time with my new husband (of three years) and his family. Mark and I enjoyed a wonderful day on Monday just doing things we don't normally do; taking in some local sights and spending time in a local game room at the bowling alley. Life was pleasant.

Next Monday I will resume my facilitation of the Bridges to Life classes in Woodman State Jail working with the women who have chosen to walk through some tough curriculum but wanting something so new to walk them out the gates. In July I will begin taking Celebrate Recovery into the Lockhart units to more women who want to walk through addiction recovery before they leave their tenure behind bars and it appears that is precisely where the Lord is leading me; to work with other ministries that need help while God makes His plans for our ministry clear.

How I love the uncertainty of what God has in mind; keeping us humbled in our plans and on our toes. I trust in Him and am ever grateful always that I am a part of His plans.

And when I question my part in everything, that too sends me back to scripture to be reminded who I am to my creator....and I realize nothing is beyond me as long as I am His. God Bless each and every one of you who choose to read my thoughts and share in our story as it unfolds. He is faithful and I am growing in my faithfulness to His work. Until the next time, find the blessings in the work you do, the company you keep and the quiet of your life.

Free gift with purchase

2011-04-22T19:20:00.005-05:00

Some friends of mine have all started cutting and couponing. Like the show, we've started a Facebook group called Coupon Divas and sharing what we find where, what bargains are to be had and what savings are in our local papers. In this economy, the idea of a group sharing resources and information just makes sense.

So much so that one lady even quoted

Proverbs 27:12 "A sensible person sees danger and takes cover,
the inexperienced keep going and are punished"

in her interpretation to help us understand God's perspective on preparing for a later day through stockpiling basic needs and blessing others when the need arises.

I have to admit, getting great deals and using our money in wise and careful ways makes sense. Especially in this economy, most will tout the wisdom and the encourage the behavior and I can't say that I object.

And yet, as I thinking about coupons for the best deal and I started searching to find my friends reference I came across this:

Romans 5:16 "And the result of God's gracious gift is very different from the result of that one man's sin. For Adam's sin led to condemnation, but God's free gift leads to our being made right with God, even though we are guilty of many sins."

And I am reminded that there is but one coupon I need and one plan that will deliver me from danger, harm and destruction; that is the coupon I turned in the day I accepted Christ. It wasn't a tangible piece of paper that saved me a dollar on a pack of dental floss. I didn't splash it all over a Facebook page or website touting my own accomplishment and wisdom; rather, in the quiet of my jail cell I turned over my coupon of salvation, my certificate of life to the One who created me, loves me and wants only the very best for me. I asked He take all that I had that I considered mine and gave it back to the one to whom it really belonged, my Savior.

My freebie coupon, my free gift with purchase was that of my own salvation paid for by the blood of Christ. I could in no way afford this gift and therefore, He gave it free. Free with purchase.

It's the new mantra of the Coupon Divas, "free" and those friends all learning "extreme couponing" aren't happy unless we find someway to coupon our way to "free".

But I will also know, above all else, that the most "extreme" of all gifts with purchase offers was that of the gift given on the cross.

The winds of change

2011-04-20T18:17:00.002-05:00

Tornadoes are ripping across our country, its amazing to see the devastation and feel the sense of smallness in our world. Lives are being changed each moment as the weather whips and whirls around us. Fires are burning up acres and acres of land, homes, possessions; taking the lives of firefighters and we are almost helpless against it all.

Monday night I sat with nine women serving at least a one year sentence at the Woodman State Jail. To most who look in on this exchange, we cannot imagine anything more devastating as being convicted of a crime and being in prison for even a night! But then we watch the news and are reminded that there are more frightening experiences and more devastating experiences.

As the ten of us talked, I asked them, "Is this the worst experience of your life? the hardest thing you've ever had to endure?" I was not surprised (of course I've lived behind bars and I knew the answer.) as heads shook back and forth; no this was not the hardest thing they'd ever lived through. We found a common ground.

This was not the worst. In only a short hour we had already begun learning that our lives had been intersected with common ground; abuse, neglect, sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse, drug use, bad trips on bad drugs, addiction, loss, harsh pimps, crime in our homes against us.

While each of us in that room had committed crime, we all were able to identify at least one crime perpetrated against us. We were reminded of loss, death, abandonment and devastating, final, terminal conditions in our lives. And like those experiencing the tornadoes, floods and fires currently washing across our country, we knew that no matter how limiting, harsh and frightening prison and jail are, no matter how much we have already endured; our hope lies somewhere else.

Our hope, our ability to wake up in the morning, face the devastation of life - we have to believe in something grander, larger, more loving and compassionate that our current condition. Our hope lies in our redeemer who has in store for us outcomes we cannot know. And like those staring at the rubble of their homes, those in prison stare daily at the rubble of their lives and yet still believe that life can be okay, different, better, more, full, abundant, joyful.

The evening ended with prayer and hugs. Women, many who are not friends, who are not kind or cordial inside those walls with one another, began to find a common place to come together and a common means to be moved by their shared stories and lives. And in the end, when the dust clears and the wind calms, what matters most is the calm that is faith in Jesus Christ.

Let the storms come as they will, let the heartache flood us and let our circumstances be what they will; for in the end we must learn to trust in the One who created us, loves us and knows what our lives are to be. Prison, fire, flood; joy, peace, calm. Some things are not our choice, our responses always are!

Rituals

2011-04-12T01:19:00.003-05:00

Everything seems to have a ritual; the first day of school requires children lined up on sidewalks and front door poses for the camera, brides follow the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue", new jobs require a half day of benefits and payroll paperwork....and being released from prison has its own set of rituals.

Inside the gates, women are given Salvation Army rejected clothing, usually men's clothing and processed out with a release packet and divided by front entry release or bus station release. Those at the bus station release are gathered together, shuffled outside with their $50 gate check and taken to Waco, TX bus station. There, a guard arranges for the destination and they are left. The rituals are over. The semblance of familiar is replaced with uncertainty and often fear.

Front gate releasees are greeted by family, friends, perhaps a church outreach or a ministry much like ours; providing a greeting ministry that begins the aftercare provided by Spirit House Ministries. In our Front Gate Ministry, we bring along a set of brand new clothing with tags still hanging. Head to toe coverage; top, bra, jeans, panties, shoes and usually something special thrown in for a reintroduction into their life as a woman on the outside such as a pair of earrings, a bottle of perfume or a small make up bag with essentials.

And for us, as with many who have family or friends, several women are gathered together again inside this Shell station, in the restrooms changing their clothes and usually throwing the rejected Salvation Army clothing into the trash outside. This ritual is both for the mental health of the woman and for the symbolic ritual of putting the new wine into new wine skins. Their new life deserves new clothing; not hand me down, overused and usually gender improper clothing; but beautiful new clothing, shoes that fit and colors that remind them they are women.

You can only imagine the joy these women feel, as they pull out of a bag a complete outfit, sized as best as we could but chosen with them in mind. Great care is taken to choose attractive clothing with a modest appearance.

For our ministry, the rituals continue from Front Gate to First Meal. We always take our ladies out for the restaurant meal of their choice. We've had everything from Arby's to Mc Donalds to Chilis to a Chinese Buffet. There is always something these ladies have craved, missed or seen too many commercials for during their incarceration.

The ritual ends and the retraining and reentry begin.

Just a thank you

2011-04-05T14:45:00.001-05:00

Our clients come and go; some by choice and others not. Our beautiful friend here, decided in February that she was ready to get out on her own, share a place with another church member and take her new job at Church's chicken (okay admittedly, she does love fried chicken!) and we were so pleased that she came to us, talked about her decision and then in a few days moved on.

What's more fun is when the call comes in later, a month or two down the road, saying she was just thinking about us and wanted to check in. She is doing great, she tells me with excitement and enthusiasm. The church is helping her with transportation and work is going well. She is continuing her volunteer hours at the local homeless shelter to maintain her food stamps, assistance she does still need and she is learning how to be a good roommate and sister in Christ to another woman.

It's like a mother's pride I felt, I have to admit. I remember the day at Woodman State Jail when I interviewed MC to be approved into our housing program. She was polite, fresh faced, sat straight in her chair knowing this was one of those life changing moments. God knew it too. It had nothing to do with Spirit House Ministries, we are just a conduit for what He wants to do in the lives of those that are making great changes toward Him. But we asked to be used by Him and in that day, I gave MC her clearance and directions for her first few days out with Spirit House.

I remember the first day we picked her up; Belinda and I had purchased clothing for her ride home and anxiously drove to the unit and waited. She was shaking with excitement and some fear as she got into our car. She couldn't wait to get off the property and started asking a million questions, thanking us over and over for helping her, for actually showing up, for the clothes she kept pulling out of the bag....the thank yous went on and on. They always do!

Emotionally we tend to invest alot into our sisters; we can't seem to help it and as a women's prison ministry I guess you can't really expect much less. We are, after all, women. We're emotional and attach'y and just like to love on one another in special ways that guys just don't get! So when we make sure there is a pair of earrings in the bag, or some perfume to remind the newly released woman of her femininity, well, the response is always overwhelming.

MC stayed with us for four months. She had her rough spots, her angry spots, her sad spots. Then she had moments of growth and change and joy. I watched her train another in the business aspects of Texas Studios, our print company where we can occasionally give some of the women work when necessary and the job warrants additional hands. I watched her take a young woman, only 23, fresh out of rehab under her wing and calm her those first few days. I saw MC give of herself in new ways, opening herself up for hurt and pain and some tears but also some joy in feeling the changes God was making in her heart.

It doesn't ever hurt to get that phone call that reminds us, no matter the rough spots and hard times in this ministry, that God is doing the work He intended to do and as long as we keep on being obedient to His call and His will, we will be blessed with witnessing the good as well as the struggles. We are made stronger though each and every woman who walks through our doors. But this week it just didn't hurt to get that call, that thank you, that keeps us going too!

Jesus wept.

2011-03-30T16:54:00.003-05:00

I was once taught the shortest verse in the bible was "Jesus wept." (John 11:35)

Today I wept; I'm not sure if I wept with God, in submission to God, or because of God but I wept. Deep in my heart as I prayed for myself, my family, my sins, friends who are in times of despair and trouble, for endings and changes that I didn't understand, I wept. I cried out to God and I just let Him hear me in my most honest of places, sadness, confusion, resentments and angers that I know I have not let go. I bore my soul open as completely as I could to Him to receive His cleansing love and then I opened my eyes, picked up the phone and began my day again.

We have made large and radical changes in Spirit House, which of course should not surprise us as change seems to be God's way of putting us back into His will, but I cannot say I have done so without some guilt and sadness and confusion and yes, a tad bit of anger.

On Sunday night I found out another of the ladies I have ministered to since early 2010 is back in jail. A broken heart indeed and though I trust God is protecting her from herself, I am saddened and again wept for her this morning.

But the one thing I am most certain of; no matter how one interprets the passage, "Jesus wept." I know He did and therefore I know when I go to Him in tears, no matter their source, He understands and He accepts my weeping and hears my cries out to Him and I can trust His work that He immediately puts into motion. I know this because I trust His emotions, His weeping and His creation of our feelings. He gave us and created in us each and every emotion that passes through our hearts and because of this I can experience them, take them to Him and know without doubt that He understands them.

Yesterday was a good day; I accomplished much and felt totally buoyed by my Lord that He was seeing things get done that needed done and they were all happening so smoothly that only His hand could have been on the situation. The day ended with a frustrating conversation with Mark and for no other reason than we don't see eye to eye on how to close out some business in the old units and how to move forward in the new direction God is leading us. I can honestly say that neither of us has a clear direction right now and we pray and pray and still God hasn't given us that "booming" voice that we have been asking for, begging for actually.

So today I did all I knew to do; pray. And as soon as I began praying, I began crying. I cried out to the Lord and am confident that He is listening and acting. I have no fear that I wept for if my Lord wept over an event, His people or the condition of faith in the world; I too can weep and I can share this with Him who understands.

Hope

2011-03-24T01:36:00.001-05:00

The saying goes, "If you want to make God laugh, make plans."

As I sat in county jail, most of us waiting for the outcome of our cases, the women I was housed with would ask the guards for the Sunday paper or any newspaper, advertiser or other outside media. They would circle apartments, furniture for sale, writing down numbers and taking note of prices. This seemed an odd practice considering many of us faced long jail or prison terms. Few of the women that participated in this ritual ended up "pulling chain" to spend some time in Gatesville or other TDCJ facilities or rehab.

Over time I found myself taking notes as well; movies to see, churches to visit, jobs that sounded like they might hire "ex-offenders", apartments that didn't require background checks. I wanted names of the women I had been incarcerated with; including their phone numbers and addresses in case later they would have information about jobs, housing, etc.

There was something about this activity that made us feel empowered, normal, productive. In an environment that was anything but ordinary, pouring over a a newspaper in that Erin Brochovich kind of determination made us all feel like we were taking charge of our lives. There was hope in the "doing".

Psa 31:24 So be strong and take courage, all you who put your hope in the LORD!

Hope was something in high demand and in low supply. Once a week or so we would have the visits from clergy but few of us took advantage of the richness of these ladies as they sometimes sat alone at tables waiting to be approached by someone. I was one of the reluctant who still tried so hard to make my life plans, taking notes from newspapers far outdated by the time I would be released and still feeling that what I would make of my life rested in my efforts alone.

But because I was so unfamiliar with the Lord, hope resting in Him wasn't my first "go to" when I felt fear or need creep into my heart. I wasn't alone in that.

Today, as I think of our ministry, my families needs, the challenges of the women who walk through our doors; I realize that the hope of our life rests firmly and only with the Lord; His plans, His will and His perfect love for us. But imparting this to others cannot be done! It is something we must experience individually in order to put our fallible human heart and brains fully engaged in this way of thinking and operating.

And EVEN THEN, we still continue to plan and bargain and pray in ways that must make our Lord wonder if not outright chuckle. IF ONLY we would just let Him have the things that worry our hearts, how much He would delight in working with us and directing us!

Psa 37:4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Tonight, with a heavy heart, again we've had to make tough decisions around the housing units, the residents and the ways in which they have chosen to manage their lives. It breaks our hearts to exercise the tough love that changed our lives (Mark and I) that we had to bear and while we certainly do not consider ourselves beyond sin or poor choices, we do know that our walk with Jesus has so changed us that we cannot imagine making decisions without prayer and putting before Him those decisions that have a need for His direction.

How silly we are as each day we are reminded that even spending $10 on a Starbucks is something worth talking to our Lord about! Should I purchase this new pair of shorts or do I show restraint and use the monies He has blessed us with elsewhere. More and more the details of our life get His attention as well as the BIG things and we know that He will never fail us with guiding hand.

Today, Mark finally succumbed to his back pain and made a doctor appointment. A big deal for him, he isn't all that fond of doctors. As he was leaving, without much thought I said, "Do you want me to go?" (What? me get out of bed early to simply go and sit in a waiting room? As I have often been heard saying, "seriously?") But something just had me act. I got out of bed, threw on some clothes and headed out with Mark to find out what was causing his back pain.

Our wonderful doctor, we have two really wonderful doctors who we feel truly has a personal interest in our care, was attentive and quickly was coming up with an aggressive treatment plan to get him out of pain. She was prescribing some meds but also prepping Mark for some electro something or other to contract the muscles which was to help realign his spine. This sounded like a great plan. But somehow, I was there and somehow a little voice told me to speak up and I said, "Now does this interfere with his pace maker?" I can't explain why I got out of bed, went to the appointment and spoke up when I did but when all was said and done, yes, the treatment plan we had worked with our doctor to create was a risk for him and his medical history.

Of course, I take no credit for any of this! Glory to our God that He put on my heart to go, speak and simply obey something I did not understand. Was going to the doc with my dear hubby on my list of to do's today or at all in my plans? No. But the again, what we plan is so often interrupted by our God who knows what we do not.

Yes, Mark and I visited a property today to see if it would be a good fit for our housing units that we now are in the market for with the move from Coryell County to Williamson County. Yes, I spent time pouring over the paper to see if there was anything that struck me as a good call to make. But unlike those days in WILCO where my hope was in the doing, today my hope was in the Lord. I flipped page after page of our local advertiser paper and simply said to Mark, "Just checking to see what God might have in here for us."

Today there wasn't anything there. Tomorrow I'll make some calls, look through this weeks advertiser and check in with God several times to see where He leads me. I know He wants to give me the desires of my heart and I know that it is in the delight I take in our relationship, that of Jesus and I that He will direct me in way I should go. My hope lies in Him. His ways are my desire, and I will try hard tomorrow not to make any plans.

My hope lies in the Lord.

John 14:6

2011-02-22T19:02:00.005-06:00

I was on Facebook today, posting on my personal page and our ministry page, keeping up with and trying to use most of the popular social media venues for promotion and connection to the rest of the world when I happened across Sarah Palin's page. Of course, cynical me first wonders if she is actually the fingers on the keyboard but none the less, I scrolled down several of her posts, many of which have thousands of "comments". (In her defense, I did find a notation she had made stating this was her only valid and true Facebook account and any others that might be out there are not of her, by her or with her endorsement so, well at least that cynical question of mine was answered.)

She had posts about unions, White House budgets, Obama, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., America's enduring strength, the tragedy in Arizona just to name a few and the thought struck me again for the fifth or sixth time today "what do you stand for, Les?" I had literally been driving my elderly landladys' truck back from the garage for her when the thought just worked its way into my internal dialog, "what do you stand for, what do you believe in, what makes you want to rally and move and get energized?" It was not the first moment that this thought, for some odd reason, chose today to creep into my consciousness but there it was again.

A young friend of ours, just barely 22 now, is active in Young Republican's and the county Republican party here as well as other community oriented groups. She's vocal about many issues and has been taught at a young age to stand up for her beliefs through inclusion in organizations.

Other friends that Mark and I know and socialize with post through blogs and Facebook, Twitter and Linkd In social media sites those things that have their attention. They voice strong opinions, rant and state and dialog loudly about many subjects in our world, state, city and neighborhoods; everything from the current teacher funding cut backs affecting many Texas schools to the larger picture of the recent political turns in Egypt.

But for some reason, today, the thought has been nagging me? What do you stand for?

I work in prison ministry and some might say "well Les, obviously you stand for something and that's a pretty big something." I guess that's true and almost daily I deal with the obstacles that the men and women face as they enter the world outside the regimented walls of their temporary confinement. I am thrown into many facets of social injustice just by trying to help a very small handful of women transition from jail to life. Housing, employment, opportunity, social service barriers, credit histories and lack of resources to just exist for the first week once released from prison; these are but a few of the things I think about and talk about daily but what do I stand for? What cause will I throw my energy into and work my life to its end to change or solve or strengthen?

Then it hits me. It's clearly a part of one greater thing, one greater being, one greater cause that all these fall under and only ONE thing I stand for. And that ONE thing is not a THING at all but the great I AM.

I stand for Jesus Christ and ALL His teachings and ALL His ways and ALL His commands in my life which include seeing to the housing, employment, resources and lack of access to basic needs of the "least of these" He would have us remember; and not only remember, but with love and joy, SERVE.

I don't need a man made political party or an organization to follow His words with conviction and energy and vigor. For while following Jesus and stating His name with boldness may not be popular, it IS right, and lovely, and pure, and noble. Every cause which stands before us, the homeless, the hurt children, the widowed women, the incarcerated, the sinners and the saints of this world are all a part of the cause to which Jesus would have us address with our energies, resources, time and focus.

I may not stand for the popular causes and run with the popular crowd. Mark and I may quietly sit back and serve a handful of women at any given time that have come to our attention but we do so with love and caring and remembrance of a time when someone else did the same for us. We may be a small ministry with small resources, but we are working to solve the larger picture that the big organizations try to touch but sometimes only manage to do so with rhetoric.

Our lives are intimately involved, daily in the trenches where the needs hit the people smack in the face day after day as they wake up. And though we aren't yet serving thousands or even hundreds; the few we do serve feel the dedication to a cause, to a "thing" bigger than ourselves and we do so through personal service. And that service, that dedication to service isn't something of which we boast but something we do to honor the ONE who thought enough of us to create us, love us, rescue us and see to our eternal needs. So I would say, if I am boasting, that I am boasting for the wonder and power of Jesus Christ in my heart and in my life for He alone has made my heart open to taking a stand for something; something big; something lasting; something eternal.

What do I stand for? I guess as I drive down the road anymore I don't have to ask that question, I just have to find the courage to stand up and out for the less popular of causes, the less popular of opinions. I stand for this:

Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me" John 14:6

I stand for Him.

Deserving lives

2011-02-21T20:31:00.000-06:00

I always worry when a lady comes through our housing and then moves on to something new. I know in my heart that we are "transitional" housing and even with the ups and downs we often go through, all the ladies are destined to move on; but it doesn't stop me from worrying.

Are they moving on too fast? Have they thought of everything? Did they save enough money before moving into their own place? Do they feel they can still call for support and help? Do they know where to go and who to call if things don't go as planned? Are they remembering to open the Bible in the quiet moments? the scary moments? the uncertain moments?

It feels something like the day your child heads off to college or moves into their first apartment. You want everything to go smoothly and you want them to protect themselves from a world that might not have their best interest at heart.

For our ladies, the ones coming through our housing, they have often been at the wrong end of those decisions. Many have stolen, taken advantage of or conned someone in their past. But during their time in prison or jail, they met someone who changed their heart. As corny or trite as it might sound, the profound truth is, they met their personal Lord and Savior and gave their hearts to Him. Their lives started over that day; literally reborn into a new creation and because of this fact alone, they are like children, learning about the world from a new set of rules, lenses and beliefs.

His new creations are moving on and sometimes we hear from them, sometimes we don't. When we do, it usually means they are wanting to share with us the excitement of their new lives, their jobs, small successes, the first time they paid their rent on time. Simple things that we take for granted each day but for them, a triumph!

When we don't hear from them, when they don't leave a forwarding address, it usually means that life got the better of them and their new life was too much for them. They found it easier to go back to drugs, prostitution or places where they are likely to find themselves going back through the system. Those are the ones we worry about. The ones who couldn't take hold of the simple things like asking for help, finding new friends to support their new lives, finding healthy routines tend to choose the familiar. The familiar that was easier but not preferable.

Mark and I come to love the ladies that walk through our doors; the easy to love and the not so easy to love. We want the best for them and we view them with the same eyes that we view our children; with love and acceptance despite their sometimes difficult behavior. We don't mean this in a condescending way but in a loving, caring way. We simply have allowed God to open our hearts to seeing people for the wonderful creations they are in their individuality; with their own set of passions, creativity and talents.

This week I will be at the Austin/Travis County Roundtable discussing the options and challenges of housing, employment, education and family reunification for those coming out of prison. This group is dedicated to bringing together community stake holders in the reentry arena. But what most don't seem to understand, what the vast majority of the communities in which we all live don't seem to understand is the larger picture from the smallest vantage point. Each lady we serve represents someone who has something new to give; but are often not given the opportunity to contribute because of their past. Reentry issues are issues for everyone to consider; from the foodstamps that are used by these reentry candidates to the social services that are used by each that tax our state and city budgets. Those are the socio-economic considerations of the women in our housing.

They are important. They are vital to making safer communities. They are vital to the lives of individuals. But they do not even begin to speak to the Christian values so many of us hold dear; taking care of our neighbors, loving others as we love ourselves, loving our enemies, giving when we don't want to give; giving to those we don't find worthy of the giving. Opening our wallets, homes, jobs to those that don't meet standards that are harder and harder to meet.

Do you worry about your children? your family? your community? Then I encourage you to worry about someone who's just been released from jail or prison. They too have needs, often unmet because their needs and their lack can often be linked to their crimes and that makes them undeserving of our charity. But I ask you; have you considered worrying about them? Caring for them? Reaching out to them? Consider how Jesus might respond to a closed door because of a crime, a sin; then consider how He might view your attitude toward one of His creations, one of the least of these His creations.

I was one of those not that long ago. I wasn't worthy of anyone's charity or care. I know this. I had committed crimes that cost my community and my state in court dollars, jailing/housing costs and even medical care while incarcerated. I cost innocent community members a financial loss. I even cost my family in storage fees, travel expenses and moving expenses for my daughter. But in God's eyes, it didn't make me unworthy of His love, His grace, His attention to my life and because of this there isn't a single one of those that reach out to us that don't deserve our love, resources, time and energy to move them from lives in contempt toward their community to lives in communion with God and His children.

God bless all those who enter our home and God bless all those who walk through our housing programs. And God bless you for caring, about them and about me.

Ministry is more than numbers

2011-02-06T22:23:00.005-06:00

Mark and I spent the weekend in Whitney, TX for a one day women's conference. Many of the women I had met at a conference in October of last year, many were new friends we had the privilege of sharing the day with. Through that conference I had been invited to give my testimony and talk about how that baby faith turned from a decision for Christ into full time ministry.

It was an exciting time of sharing and praising God for all He does in our lives. I cannot thank June Donohue, Barbara Spencer and the ladies of Women of 3 Crosses Ministry enough for having the confidence in me to invite me to speak and share my life with the faith-filled ladies that joined us after a week of snow and stormy weather!

We were a small group but as our praise/worship leader, Jay Johnson said "I'm not about numbers, I'm about souls, one at a time if that's what God does."

Let's rejoice and be glad in every day we are gathered in His Name!

Athens retreat brought out new compassion with all of us

2011-01-23T16:30:00.000-06:00

God always has a plan and He certainly did when He put it on my heart to take the ladies in our housing unit to a one and a half day conference in Athens, TX in January.

I had been planning and hoping for a while that a friend and recent releasee, Samantha could join us but things couldn't get worked out to let her come. One of our board members, Jeannie, joined me in rounding up the T. and Mary C. when unexpectedly we were blessed with the arrival of a third resident, Amber. She was two days out of rehab and incarceration when we piled her in a car with all of us and we took off three hours from the housing unit to praise, worship and learn about our wonderful God.

We were able to enjoy the wonderful teachings of Lurna Cumby, whom several of our board members were able to enjoy at the October Psalms 34:18 retreat in Clifton; the keynote speaker, Leslie Vernick and the wonderful vocal stylings of Sandie Dickie. The Cowgirl Get Together is an annual event and was sold out this year to 1100 women. Already they are planning a larger venue for next year! What a wonderful treat for us all.

While I try very hard to provide learning materials and my own personal testimony to the women we serve as a means to assist each woman in her growth in her relationship with Christ, meetings and retreats like this are so much more powerful when added in the presence of such worship and praise that cannot be duplicated anywhere else with hundreds of women all of one heart.

To top off the great weekend, the ladies we took with us were able to meet some of the ladies heading up Women of 3 Crosses, women who have reached out to our friend, Samantha for quite some time while Samantha was still in her season of incarceration. What a joy it was to have a picture of sisters meeting for the first time and what a joy to watch new friendships in His Name form instantly.

As if all this wasn't enough, for those of us old enough to remember this pizza parlour, Jeannie and I were able to reminisce about our favorite pizza joint in Columbia, MO as we found one in Athens that looked the same! Still old style signs and building, we were thrown back to our youth and Jeannie's college days.....Columbia may not have a Ken's Pizza anymore, but Athens still does and wow, what fun to shoot a couple of quick pics on our way out of town.

Does God provide, yes He does! Does God heal, yes He does! It is hard to explain or describe what happens in the hearts of the women as they walk through their lives post jail time; but often it includes conflict among themselves, continued conflict with their families and conflict with the world; but for a brief moment, a weekend away, five ladies shared a hotel room, coolers full of food, and a day and a half of learning and sharing and basking in God's love. It makes the ministry so worth while!

God's view

2011-01-17T14:17:00.006-06:00

Recently I had the privilege to speak at a woman's support group for those on parole or probation. I have attended these weekly meetings several times so when asked to speak, God was quick to lay upon my heart a message He has been developing in me over the last four years.

Max Lucado wrote a beautiful book for the children of his church in San Antonio called "You are Special" and I have read it several times since coming to Chirst, finding in it a lovely message of God's view of us in contrast to how the world views us. This child's story tells us about a people called Wemmicks who spend their days placing stars and dots on one another depending on their opinion of that Wemmick. And each Wemmick places alot of value and weight on these marks given. But the woodcarver, Eli, who made each of the Wemmicks has a different view of each one of them. He views them as special, unique and made perfectly.

This analogy is played out in our own world. Labels are placed on us, good and bad. For those who have broken the law, those who have fallen publicly short of anyone's expectations, those labels can be permanently damaging and oppressing. The stark differences of how the world views someone who has broken the law and walked through the public process of adjudication and how God views us as believers has to be retaught or in many cases, taught for the very first time.

God's love for us and His names for us as children of His Kingdom exhort and lift us in ways that the world will refuse to do. As a woman walks through the world with her new worldly labels of criminal, felon, ex-offender, inmate, thief, drug addict, prostitute, worthless, unworthy; she begins to take on and believe those labels and because of the deep belief that takes root, she may continue to act out in the ways expected of her. Where there is no hope, there is often behavior that demonstrates no hope and faith in something different for one's life.

But God is the God of love, hope, and life abundant. He is the author and finisher of our life and grasping His plans for us and His gentle and tender view of us can mean the difference between living in death or rising in life under the covering blood of Jesus. Holding onto God's names for us can start us on a path of walking in the life the God created us to walk in. We are His creation.

We first see His image of us in Genesis 1:26-27

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness.”

So God created man in His own image;

He created him in the image of God;

He created them male and female.

He created you with His beauty inside you, made of Him and by Him. That is a wonderful picture to take hold of; we are of God, like God and in God in all ways. In our Spirit, He is there.

Psalm 139:13-18 tells us about our personal creation and His intimate knowledge of us.

For it was you that created my inward parts,

You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I will praise you because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful

And I know this very well.

By bones are not hidden from you

When I was made in secret

When I was formed in the depths of the earth

Your eyes saw me when I was formless.

All my days were written in your book and planned

Before a single one of them began.

God how difficult your thoughts are for me to comprehend,

How vast their sum total is.

If I counted them

They would outnumber the grains of sand,

When I wake up, you are still with me.

Look at the words used; fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful, planned. How wonderful that God took the time to plan us and our lives out perfectly. He cares for us, thinks about us and planned us Himself.

1 Sam 16:7

Man does not see what the Lord see, for man sees what is visible but the Lord sees the heart.

The Lord sees something deeper than what they world can see or know. God sees our heart. He knows who we are in Spirit, not just in our behavior or status in the world. His view is larger, grander, complete.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

We are now something new, something intended by God. We are God's intentions. And He has special thoughts of us each day.

Some of those thoughts or identities are:

Daughters of the most High God

Heirs

Beloved

Chosen

Bought by the blood of Christ

Justified

Sanctified – the goal of sanctification is progressive conformity to the image of Jesus Christ.

Made right or righteous

Do not think for a moment that I am diminishing the struggles and challenges that face you as you begin your new life outside the walls of jail, prison or within the confines of parole or probation; for we have an unforgiving community and legal system that at times forgets they too fall short of the Glory of God as we did. Our challenge is in the public way we may have fallen short and the many laws that at one time were created to protect us that have become harsher and used more vindictively rather than protectively for the greater good.

For some, you may not have broken the law of your state of community but you have in a public way walked against the social norms that have made you outcast. You feel the harsh world labels that are placed upon you. I encourage you as well to think about God's view of you. His love for you is vast and unending. His delight in you is constant; His belief in you is unending. His call to you is perpetual.

Through my experience I have learned to trust in a God who is bigger than the court in which I stood, the jail in which I was housed and the state in which I continue to reside. I trust in a God who sees in me everything other than my sin, my crimes, and my failings. I trust in a God who can came not to condemn the world but bring life and life more abundantly. And this includes even me!

We live in a world where there will always be someone, or some organization or some group that wants to oppress us and keep us where they think we should be. But we will always be guided by and loved by a God who knows the larger picture and can help us get to where He wants us to be.

So no matter who you are, what you’ve done or how much you do or don’t have; remember that your God is in charge and waits only for an invitation to take you where He intended you to be! And when the world reminds you who they think you are with their labels and names and convictions; look to your God to remind you who you really are. Remove the dots and stars of the world and shine only in His light!

Bringing in 2011

2010-12-24T16:35:00.005-06:00

Crucial to a life in Christ for the new believer after a period of incarceration rests in one’s adoption by a supportive Christian church family. This connection provides them with a sense of belonging and inclusion into society. The crux of Jesus’ final commandment is love shared between Christian brothers and sisters. Once an inmate experiences prison life and the resulting societal rejection; any sense of spiritual connection becomes jeopardized. Feeling the full onslaught of daily pressures, coupled by the roadblocks put up by their reduced legal and citizenry status allows openings for old desperate habits to surface. Feeling love within a church family can remind the new Christian that God especially loves them.

1 Cor 12:22

In fact some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. And the parts we regard as least honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts which should not be seen while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

I got a call today from a woman I have discipled since Feb of this year. Upon release from TDC she was placed on probation and they required, no matter what support she had elsewhere, within a new church and Christian family, to return to her county of offense and transfer after obtaining $1000 through employment. She could not accept a job in another area of the state without first meeting this requirement. Her probation officer also required her to "reside" at a predetermined "halfway house" that currently allows for 5 minutes of prayer/church time a day. She can attend a church which they have chosen that lasts less than 10 minutes.

As we spoke today, I could hear her plea for help and support. We talked about where she had been and how her time there must never be forgotten. She passionately talked about her battle to remember where she was just two short weeks ago. She has already seen a roommate relapse. She's already heard most of her "bunkies" moan about getting up at 6:30 AM; she gave a lecture to them about what time they were all required to wake in prison (3:30 AM if they wanted clean clothing for the day). She's already in the battle of her life in the program that the County is requiring she walk through and it has nothing to do with her new walk with Christ, her new status as a daughter of the most High God or her new determination to be a Godly woman after God's own heart.

I would like to say that I seldom get riled up about "the system" to the point of wanting to take action and it's a tough system to really battle but when I hear the pleas of one having no one else, no family or old friends who would support her decision to walk a new life and she truly is struggling to remain faithful to her prayer time and study time in God's word, how can I not speak out.

Not every woman who walks out from behind the bars of a county or state facility have the luxury as I did; to stay with a woman who wanted nothing more than to see me grow in faith and my relationship with Jesus Christ. I was blessed and I remember to this day that wonderful gift of time to help form in me a new creation; a new woman.

Every believer is a part of "the church" and every believer has some obligation to offer forgiveness and opportunity. The longer I work in prison ministry, the more I realize that there are plenty of ways to serve in prison ministry at arms length if that is all one can feel comfortable doing.

As we start 2011 in just a few days, I thought I would help you with a list of things to consider:

* call your local larger employers and advocate for "second chance" employment opportunities

* find out about employer tax credits and bonding programs available for those offering ex-offenders the opportunity for employment

* consider business opportunities for yourself where you might be able to build an ex-offender friendly environment

* help educate employers about the challenges faced by new releasees including probation and parole meetings, AA and other 12 step meetings and other requirements placed upon the ex-offender

* talk to your local ministries serving this population and find out where the struggles remain

* educate yourself about the ways ministries struggle to offer all the services needed and the agencies that might best coordinate and work cooperatively with these ministries, then find out who you know who might work at such agencies; help make connections within the body of Christ

* talk to your church family about locating those in the congregation who can and are willing to offer their professional services to someone coming out of prison; medical, dental or legal assistance as a ministry function

* encourage your church to take on a prison ministry as a mission field

* embrace the few men and women who may enter your church who have served time, they are reaching out to see and feel God's love; remember that you might be the only glimpse outside the cell doors they see of Him

* donate clothing, food, grocery and super store gift cards, hygiene products, writing materials, journals, stamps and envelopes, calling cards and study materials to your local housing ministries including women's prison ministries

* consider "sponsoring" a woman's entrance into a halfway house or transitional housing program (usually $200-300)

* call your County officials and get involved with their reintegration planning in your local area; they have a state mandate to have a program in place

*get educated about your local community; how many ex offenders are being released back into your county and home town so you are aware of the needs

* finally, pray, each and every day that a new child in Christ coming back out into the free world can and does find what they need to succeed.

Make a choice that 2011 is the year you get involved, get excited about Christ and the changes he makes in the lives of those behind bars. Remember that most of the individuals currently serving time WILL see the light of day. Most come out wanting to change but few have the support, coping skills or new tools to make it.

As true believers, you know Christ today works in the lives of ALL his children! He is working inside some dark places that many of you will never see or know about. He is alive and well inside the county jails and prisons; changing the hearts and lives of many hurting women inside and those leaving. He is stirring the desires for change in them and perhaps even in you as you read this!

We know this! But we also know that what brought many to their time of incarceration is a powerful force that preys on the weak and without God and prayer, the darkness easily can take over. Don't let it. Love your new sister in Christ as you meet her or help those who are working hard to serve in this unique mission field. Just take action.

Tomorrow I'll be making phone calls and writing letters to insure that those who are working with my friend get a full picture of her support network she will have when she can make it to our ministry housing. Tonight I will lift her in prayer.

God bless you all as you look to 2011 with hope and faith; as you reach out to God to show you how best to serve His Kingdom and how best to walk out your love for Him and His children.

I know the thoughts I think toward you......

2010-11-23T20:17:00.005-06:00

Recently I've had the honor of giving my personal testimony at a women's retreat in Clifton, TX, a probation/parole support group in Round Rock, TX and now have been invited to Whitney, TX and into Lane Murray Unit with Linda Strom to again share the wonderful work of God in my life. I cannot tell you how much sharing God's amazing work with others means to me. I cannot begin to express how His love for me in my most sinful season and His use of me since that day on my knees has changed my heart and my life's direction. All I can do is share my story whenever He asks me to and pray His message and His words fall from my mouth.

But the beauty of our personal testimonies is not in the story itself; its in the process that continues as we walk with Christ in our life! My testimony doesn't end til the day He brings me home to Him and that alone is a miracle worth sharing! Each day He works with me, molding me as the potter does and slowly transforming my life into something beautiful that He can show the world - "This is my creation, made in my likeness...." I am His. I am humbled and made meek at the thought of His love for me, His attention to my life and His call upon me that was chosen just for me.

I have lived most of my life in the past, fretting over a misspoke word or hiding from a deed that caused me shame. I regretted lost relationships. I mourned old loves. I tormented myself over past opportunities. Hope wasn't something I felt in my heart because hope had to do with today and tomorrow but I was mired in yesterday. But scripture tells us "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" Heb 11:1 (NKJV) God has revealed my past to me only to share with me my need for Him but not for any purpose in His future for me. My new faith tells me He has other plans that have nothing to do with my past and only to do with His plans for me and I am reminded out of bondage comes His promise in Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (NKJV)

While I can live in the past and only see what is behind me, I gain nothing in my surrender and belief in my Lord Jesus Christ. Or I can choose to look forward to His promises of today and tomorrow! I can live with the assurance He knows and meets my daily needs and His plans for me are far more glorious than I could ever imagine.

I have no idea what He has planned. I only know that today I am to tell my story, He keeps adding to it and together with my face turned toward Him I am prepared to be His hands and feet.

I love my Lord, I love the story He is weaving in my life and I am grateful, gloriously grateful that He chose to use me. While I rush through my days and stop as often as I can to call upon Him, remember Him and look to Him; what a comfort it is to know "...I know the thoughts I think toward you..." are constant and never failing. To God be the Glory!

God’s Daughter

2010-11-03T11:37:00.001-05:00

What a joyous thing it is when our prayers are answered, despite how they might look!

I was a single mother, raising two kids, holding down a responsible job that demanded both my time and my emotional energy but the work – well I truly loved it and felt I was making a difference. Problem was, I had problems of my own.

I was married in 1979 to the man I felt I would spend the rest of my life with but despite even my best laid plans, that just didn’t happen. Some blame me. Some blame him. All that doesn’t matter. What matters are the results of those decisions and the life that began that day in January of 1997. I went from almost holding on to sanity to a just barely sane existence cleverly disguised as a mother, student and professional volunteer director in the non-profit sector. My professional life grew as my educational goals were met but my heart remained broken and my spirit remained empty and void of substance.

As a child, my life looked pretty ordinary. I was the baby daughter of a professional father and stay at home mother. I had an older brother that enlisted in the Air Force at 18 and was gone for the better part of my high school years. Though my parents divorced when I was ten, we still looked pretty normal for the mid 70’s. Divorce was becoming less and less taboo. Single moms were entering the work force and shortly after I entered high school, my Mom took a full time job at a local dry cleaner.

I never really wanted for much. My mom was a responsible woman who paid her bills, had a couple of credit cards “for emergencies only” and for the most part kept all topics of financial management quiet. It was considered a personal topic. But though we lived in a modest apartment and I didn’t always wear the latest designer this or that, I still had much of what a teenager wants and needs. My mom’s family was close by, we had regular celebrations at Christmas and Thanksgiving and the 4^th of July. There were lots of things that normal families went through but there were some things that weren’t so ordinary. There were and probably still are secrets.

There was the “big secret” I held in my heart, the one no one else knew about. The childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my step grandfather that started at about age 12 and went on each visit until I was about 16 when I could come up with a viable enough excuse to cease the visits lay as a bitter secret I would not tell anyone until I was 35 years old.

I kept this secret and from all outside appearances, to most people I looked like an intelligent, accomplished, professional woman.

What I didn’t set out to be was a criminal or a convicted felon. I can honestly say that I didn’t put a lot of thought into what I was doing those three days I went on a spending spree at the expense of others. I just knew that something inside me no longer cared to keep up the sane exterior and a big part of me thought “you can do this, you’re smart enough to get away with it.” One December day I was working for the State, traveling almost daily, usually late into the night, leaving my 15 year old daughter behind and usually robbing Paul to pay Peter; keeping all kinds of financial wolves at bay. I was making a decent living and had child support but never did the ends seem to meet.

Christmas was approaching and I was again on the road to take a child from one placement to another. This 17 year old had disrupted each foster home placement and I was frustrated to say the least. Driving from Round Rock, Texas to Fort Worth to transport this young man from his second placement to his third placement, I watched the gas gauge drop lower and lower. Knowing I would have to use the last few dollars in my bank account to make the round trip, I remembered a gift card in my brief case designated for another foster family. Slowly, with conflicting emotions of “yes” and “no” I pulled the gift card out and stopped at a Target in Mesquite and filled the gas tank, bought some lunch and a charger for my cell phone. I tossed the card back into my brief case and finalized my trip back home to Georgetown.

At some point, something inside just snapped. I can’t explain it. I can’t justify it or rationalize it and even at the time I knew I was risking more than I was willing to lose but something in my moral barometer was just gone. My gas tank was full but the gauge that measured right from wrong was flipping and swirling around like a roulette wheel. The white ball bounced in my mind and I was clearly and quickly out of control.

That night, when I returned to Georgetown, I went to Target again to purchase a new sweater to wear to court the following morning. Part of my job included testifying in child custody cases and this was to be my first termination hearing in my career so I wanted to look the part. With the anger and resentment of the eight hour trip to Fort Worth, Mesquite and back home still raging inside me, I again pulled out the card and readied myself to commit another crime of theft. I walked through the store and picked out a few items, including several Christmas gifts for my own children (my budget was tapped and I had already told my children Christmas would have to wait until January again when I got my income tax refund, a common occurrence for us but something that this time just didn’t feel right.) When I got to the register however, the woman in front of me had left her credit card in the register machine and rather than pull it out and call her back, as the purchases were rung up I slid the card back in and walked out with yet another felony event under my belt.

I cannot really recall all that transpired from this point forward. Though not altered by drugs or alcohol, I was altered by a false and evil sense of anger and entitlement that pushed me to what I am told was a three day spree of using credit cards and gift cards that were not mine. I filled our pantry with food, loaded our tree with gifts and threw in several luxury items for my home and myself such as new bedding and clothing for my office attire. The woman, who had lived most of her life getting what she wanted, took that materialistic desire past the bounds of bad financial management and into the realm of felonious behavior. I was lost, emotionally and spiritually. I had gone from a spend thrift to a thief in the matter of days.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame my crimes on the abuse as a child or the broken home or the lack of money management skills I had been taught or the fact that I was pretty much a spoiled child most of my life. I don’t blame my crimes on being overworked or overtired. I don’t blame my crimes on anything other than myself and irrational bad thinking that today still shock my spirit and heart.

What I’ve come to know, however, is that when I sit down and talk with the women in jail and prison that I work with, their stories all start out a lot like mine. Some more tragic, some more simple, some more complex. But we share a common thread. We all came to a moment when our decisions, our best laid out plans fell on the sidewalk like a used gum wrapper and tossed about in the wind without direction or purpose, turning quickly to rubbish. We all felt but didn’t acknowledge that we lacked a loving relationship that felt constant and alive in our hearts and somewhere, one day along our life journey, we just gave up trying.

Less than a month after my crime spree, I found myself sitting inside the Georgetown Police Department and denying with all my might any wrongdoing (I had watched way too much prime time crime shows, I was pleading the 5^th and hoping they’d just take my word for things.) Finally, remembering I had one friend who was a lawyer, I asked to speak to her before I did anything else (yes, I “lawyered up”) and then called my son to insure my daughter, then 15 would be met at home when she returned from school.

I can pretend I wasn’t guilty but I was. I can pretend I didn’t deserve what I got but I did. I can blame it on everyone else or I can take responsibility for the fact that my choices have always been my choices; good or bad. But what I can never do is look back now with regret.

The short story of my life is that I had lived without God in my life my entire life. I had been an unchurched child grown into an unchurched woman who knew nothing about a loving God. I never knew there was a God who wanted more for me than I could even dream for myself. And while I was unchurched and unknowing about our Lord Jesus Christ, I had more than once prayed to a God out there somewhere, usually saying “if you are really there…” for something I felt I needed.

And the night before I was arrested I had prayed to God to “save me from myself”.

What a joyous thing it is when our prayers are answered, despite how they might look! God heard my prayer that night and knowing who I was and how I had lived my life to that point, seeing my life from beginning to end and knowing what His plans for me had always been, He stopped me dead in my own tracks and decided it was time we talked.

My college educations didn’t save me. My high IQ didn’t save me. My knowledge of the law, my skills working with people, my ability to con my way into or out of most all situations didn’t save me.

My Lord Jesus Christ saved me. He called me into His family and greeted me warmly, lovingly and without reservation when I chose to invite Him in. With the help of visiting clergy and the slow and patient discipleship I was offered, I came to know Jesus as Lord and knew that nothing in my life would ever again be the same. Slowly God revealed to me His true nature, His full love and His attentive eyes upon my life.

It may have happened in a dark jail cell on the Southside of the Williamson County jail but God met me there. He calmed my spirit, stilled the raging storm inside my soul and allowed me to walk through six months behind bars when I didn’t think I could wake up there one more day. In time, He opened my heart to the reality of my life and the many things He had in store for me to do. He continues to work with me, walk with me and correct me when my flesh attempts to take over. I have learned to love Him, trust Him more and more and want to share with others that He can and will meet you wherever you presently find yourself. If He met me in jail, He’s willing to go anywhere, anytime to bring another of His children home to His heart.

Today, as my new husband Mark and I work toward building permanent transitional Christian housing for women coming out of prison and jail, I know God is at hand in our lives. Spirit House Ministries, Inc. was built to serve and glorify our loving God by meeting the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of God’s daughters. We are often confused, questioning and uncertain where and what to do next. But always, always with confidence we know God is at work in our lives and I am ever grateful He calls me “daughter”.

Just working

2010-07-19T20:54:00.001-05:00

Spirit House II is no dream job, the kitchen floor isn't something I'd be happy to be walking on and when we removed the refrigerator, well you don't even want to see that picture! But just like with Unit I, we knew the task before us was for a special daughter of Christ with no options and great fear about her future so we rallied up a team and started in.

Each time we take over a new unit we take over new projects. Mark and I are sure the day when we purchase our first home together, we will have so much experience in home renovations that nothing will be beyond what we feel ready to tackle!

The first weekend had Mark and his brother Ronnie, plastering holes in the walls and measuring for flooring tile, removing receptacle covers and outlet covers to prepare for painting and patching nail holes where pictures and posters once hung.

But here we are at Unit II; preparing for the release of our new sister, Bree, who is anticipating her release on August 12, in less than a month.

As with Belinda's unit, no matter how we put the pencil to calendar, we keep finding it takes about 1 month of Saturdays to get the work done and the beautification complete. That's just the manual labor. It usually takes me a week of phone calls to get utilities turned on in my name (can't get anyone to understand that they should be in the name of the ministry for record keeping but because these aren't commercial properties they just won't do it but I think I've ranted about that before!)

Then its the gathering of the volunteers! This past weekend we were blessed with two newly returned Army servicemen, recently back from Iraq. Their heart for service doesn't end at their deployment, it seems just a wonderful part of who they are and we thank them greatly for their humor, spirit and willingness to jump in!

Then the donations of furniture and household goods, clothes and hygiene and the normal stuff we all learn to take for granted came pouring in from the women's ministry at First Baptist Church in Copperas Cove. Nothing is too small and no detail was overlooked so when we begin to make pretty and finalize the unit it is sure to come together as perfectly as Spirit House I did.

In any one of these units as there are dozens of things you have to remember when putting the place together.

Think of the last time you moved into a new house. It probably wasn't a run down, slum area of your town (maybe it was?) but you still had so much to get accomplished. You scrubbed every floor, bathtub, toilet and cabinet inside and out. There was shelf paper to lay before the glasses went inside. There was shower curtains to hang, new rings for the curtain to buy because somehow you lost two of them on the move from place A to B. There was the new drapery rods that didn't work now on the new windows and the curtains you took with you were a lot more faded than the new paint you just put on the new walls. Details. Things you didn't think about but had to do something about to make it feel liveable and like home to you.

We do the same thing for each of these units as they come together and get them put in a condition that provides a haven for rejuvenation and demonstrates God's abundant love even in modest circumstances.

I'll be real honest. There are times when Mark and I get overwhelmed by the duty we feel bound to follow through on; providing housing and basic necessities to those the world would rather forget.

The same kindness was once shown each of us; through the pastor who took me in after my incarceration and through Mark's brothers and sisters in law after his DWI's. The love, kindness and provision has not been forgotten by us. It drives us to keep going. It always urges me to remember when I walked out of jail with relief and gratitude that I had somewhere to go. I had a shower, real shampoo and a bed waiting for me. Every detail I might need had been thought about. A room decorated, new bedclothes purchased. A table and chair brought in. A television with cable sat atop a dresser.

When the joy is seen on the faces of those we serve, we feel the gratitude and love from the women we house and write to and provide for. We revel in the relief and joy we are able to witness when they walk out the gates of prison. We feel the blessings in sharing this experience. In those moments I admit to wondering if I'm doing this for those moments, for those words of praise and thanks given my way. I cannot help but enjoy and bask somewhat in their expressions of gratitude toward me when I know the only reason Mark and I are able to do this is because of the abundant love God is sending through us. God keeps growing our business so we can grow the ministry. I never want to forget that God provides all and simply uses us to provide.

We don't want to ever feel we are doing this for any other reason than to show that God works in all places, through all of His followers and ALWAYS for His glory, not ours. I also know He is using a large army of volunteers, donors and others who are beginning to have the same spark fired in them to assist us in our mission to love God's daughter's out of the darkness of their past to the beautiful light of His future plans for them.

2010-06-29T21:27:00.001-05:00

Conferences are awesome. You are put in a room full of generally like minded people, coming together to solve problems, network, gain information and exchange knowledge. They serve so many wonderful purposes and I have the privilege of attending Prison Fellowship Ministry's Out4Life Conference in San Antonio, TX!

But unlike other conferences, this one has one up on most! God is here! He's here and He's working miracles! And today I was able to witness a miracle right as it was happening!

Last night, this conference was televised on the local news. That's a pretty common practice, right? Large group of folks gather for an interesting topic like prison ministry and the news decided to take a moment, no doubt for a "feel good" piece to round out the daily reporting of more negative newsworthy items. That's pretty awesome in itself.

But what is more awesome is how God works when His children gather and seekers seek Him.

Unknown to all of us at the conference, an ex-offender in the area, struggling and scared, was watching the news and came across the conference. God raised up in him the courage to find his way (by foot) to the Double Tree Hotel in north San Antonio, walk in to a roomful of people, not knowing what he might find or how me might be received, and simply ask for help.

He has now been connected with over a dozen folks who are working with him on housing, employment, legal and other immediate needs issues and it happened within minutes. Folks gathered around him to pray and then God's army of servants went to work to start finding him the support he needs to stay Out4Life!

If nothing else happens in this conference, and trust me, alot already has....witnessing our living, working, involved God in action in those moments made the whole trip worth while.

Tonight, when you lay your head down to sleep, pray for Daniel and the many men and women who seek God and are often rejected by the world, even the church! Praise God that Daniel was loved, embraced and is going to be cared for in the way the church is called to operate! And then thank God that He's there for you and your family and that you have a God that moves and acts and loves us so well!

Love, God

2010-06-24T14:42:00.003-05:00

Last night I talked to Juanita, the mother of an ex offender, out on parole. This strong, multi-lingual woman has taken herself from first generation American to impressive female business owner who has supported her two children through opening and running an English as a second language school in Mesquite, Texas. She has worked hard and earned her way. She is a Christ believing, spirit filled mother who for years has been tormented by her children's choices.

You see, both her son and daugther have chosen a life of drugs, night clubs, partying, laziness and fast money schemes.

Her daugther, the one with whom I was calling to inquire about was in WILCO with me back in '07. She was one of several who would spend their nights up reading Christian teaching books, the Bible and praying together. As the days passed, she was sentenced to 5 years TDC and was paroled out in February of 2008. I had picked her up from the Gatesville Unit and spent the day delivering her to her parole officer, and then to her family for a reunion that brought a lump in my throat.

During Monica's stay in TDC, I began vising her monthly to encourage her to continue her walk with Christ and to create after release plans that included church attendance, bible study and a real reconciliation with her mother most of all.

Juanita was so pleased to hear from me last night though she had nothing positive to report on her daughter She has no idea where she is living or working or how she is making her money. The only reason she knows she is still alive is because of the cell phone on their family plan that Monica uses; and when she doesn't receive Monica's payment for her portion, Mom, utilizing boundaries with her children, cuts off her phone which always prompts a call from daughter. But as she said, at least then I know she is still alive; otherwise I would have no idea is she is okay.

Juanita is tired, she is sad and yet she is also determined that strong boundaries with her children are the only thing she can do to remain focused on taking care of herself; because worrying and rescuing her children was literally killing her. What Juanita does know of her daughter's life is that she was going to the methadone clinic but back using heroine as well. She knows her daughter is always broke and always calling to beg for money which she will not supply. She knows she is struggling and lost again to "the world" that quickly drug her back from a jail saved seeker of Christ into a living in the flesh lost soul.

But here's the real tragedy and here is where I believe some real blame lays. The week I made arrangements to pick Monica up from her release, I had arranged to deliver her to parole and then to bring her from Mesquite to Georgetown to spend two weeks or so with myself and Pastor Joy (the same woman who walked me to my decision for Christ) to gird her up in her faith and spend some time outside the prison walls in a God centered friendship and fellowship. Parole agreed.....

until we arrived there in Mesquite and suddenly they decided they had several "classes" and appointments she needed to attend. None of which helped to encourage her faith or give her solid resources to lean upon until she could find a strong support system outside! Now I know that day I was much inconvenienced by all the driving but I didn't mind. Monica and I had a chance to enjoy a meal together, talk for the several hour drive to her home and for a time with her family as they just basked in the reunion!

The problem, however, was the lack of support by parole and their own bureaucracy to consider solutions outside their box. Faith based programs are showing the highest rate of success and yet secular systems such as probation and parole are not yet fully embracing these options.

Could this have made a difference in her life and her choices since release? The answer is obviously yes, it could have! It is a guarantee? Of course not. We are fallible, flawed humans who are always free to continue making bad choices. But when options are closed to us during those vital first days of transition, when direct discipleship is mandated as a "no go" for reasons that are legalistic, secular stubborness then a grave injustice has contributed to the problem rather than supporting solutions.

I am searching for Monica, hoping to find her and get a chance to remind her of our spirit filled days in F5. I know if God put her in my mind and heart, then He has a reason. Experience shows us that those who are faithfully discipled upon release have a far greater chance at success than those that don't. Changes must be made to insure that Godly relationships are not disrupted or interfered with by over zealous, under discipled authority.

Yes, as I reflect on my conversation with Juanita, I am infuriated that another child is lost to the world for the time being and that hands in authority in our secular world had a part in that.

There are no easy answers but to again, as always, rest in God and pray fervently for each and every woman He places on our hearts. "Monica, I'm here for you. Love, God"

I might be a little sleepy but God has other plans.

2010-06-21T14:48:00.005-05:00

When God moves in our lives its kind of hard to ignore.

You do things totally out of character. People respond to you in totally new ways. Closed doors open and open doors just slam shut. Energy levels go through the roof and things that have been weighing you down are checked off your "to do" list because they just magically get done and you stand back thinking "I' put that off for that long why?? That took me all of ten minutes!"

Okay, well maybe that's how God works in the world of the great procrastinators like myself and He probably works differently in your life! But the end result is just the same. Stuff gets done!!!!!!!!

Good stuff.

Exciting stuff.

I have to admit that last night as I saw the clock tick toward 1 AM I was hesitant to get to bed. Why? Because that meant Monday and a deskload of promises were all set before me that I had put off for too many days to count now. I slept late and I finally got nudged out of bed by my adorable husband who asked "Is it getting out of bed today or just hiding?" Like any good procrastinator I wanted to hide. Hiding is warm because you are still in your jammies, cuddled in the little nook of blankets you've wound around yourself and you can still play
"Leslie in wonderland" in your twilight dreams when you aren't quite awake and you aren't quite asleep. But alas Mark was headed out the door and I really was awake no matter how cozy I was so time was a ticking on by.

But lo and behold the minute I got my eyeglasses on my face and listened to my voice mail God sprang me out of bed and into action. By the time I sat down to lunch I was praising God and thanking Him for working so miraculously in my life, always in ways I would not have done or even thought of myself.

God is my God, my miracle worker and His Son, Jesus Christ, is my personal savior to whom I owe all glory and praise. It may sound trite and over used but without Him I am nothing and without the infusion of the Holy Spirit in my life I can do nothing. I am excited to be His and to watch Him work in my life, an ordinary life He makes extraordinary with each passing day He allows me to again be His servant.

My reach expands to new seeking women and the doors that are opened are the ones I know should be opened. I am victorious in all things and happy in heart and spirit that no man can touch! God has much to do and I am ever so grateful He is using me in His plans. I may get sleepy, I be tired; and I know when I lay my head down to rest, God smiles at His child sleeping so peacefully as I did when watching my own children sleep...but its now Monday morning and God has other plans.

He keeps showing up!

2010-05-21T17:40:00.002-05:00

The ladies I've been working with at the Woodman State Jail have really come a long way in the nine weeks we've been together. They moved from a detached, guarded collection of inmate numbers to a prayerful, spirit-filled sisterhood. The change and growth is amazing as I knew it would be!

When we started out, each lady came to the group knowing they would have to share their story and give an accounting of the wrongs they had committed as best they could remember and felt safe enough to do. You could see the wheels turning in their minds those first weeks as they determined what and how much to share. There's nothing surprising about their mindset; they don't live in a safe environment that garners trust among the inhabitants or the staff! The first few testimonies and accountings were, shall we say, guarded. Brief descriptions and stories that for the most part left the inmate intact, usually showing herself to be a victim as well. And why not? There isn't a one in there I will lay money who isn't a victim of at least one crime perpetrated against them! I've said it before and I'll say it as many times as I must, the world is a fallen place and each lady we meet has a story that includes harm done to them and harm they've done to others. I was no different.

But change comes when repentance is heartfelt deep and these ladies have started that journey to reconciliation with their God, their families, their communities and themselves. The stories are more detailed. The list of their victims are longer. The acceptance of one another deeper and more honest.

These women truly do amaze me. They are sharing details of their lives that their families do not even know. They are trusting one another with secrets and shame and guilt. They are finding acceptance and love and mercy from God through one another. It's a startling reality that life isn't pretty and that if we are brutally honest about our own lives, we have much to be forgiven for from a God who knows and sees all but waits for us to ask!

I am honored that I am a part of this process in their lives and I am strengthened and encouraged as I watch them each in their journey. They are God filling, God fearing women and they are changing. I too am changing and am being allowed another opportunity by God to address my own transgressions and short comings. I am allowed a new morning to start over when needed and to reproach myself in all things that need addressing. These women provide me the courage to step outside the walls of comfort that are often formed when things appear to be going right and well for us, and to look deeper into my life to find the hidden sins that seem innocent or small. I am reminded how far God has taken me as I watch these women struggle with forgiveness; the forgiveness they seek from themselves!

I am reminded of the early days in WILCO when my heart was peeled raw from anguish over the things I had done to my children, my family, my coworkers and my community. At this point in my life, God was not a part of the equation and I probably could not have handled that guilt on top of what I was already feeling. But God has His perfect plan for our salvation, our forgiveness and even our healing from our own mistakes. Once I had calmed enough to approach Him on matters of salvation and invitation, He then set about working on the matters of personal accountability and forgiveness. What I learned over time was that the two go hand in hand, both from God and from ourselves. I walked through every emotion I think God ever invented. I was tormented and angry and bitter and ashamed and fearful and snide and uncooperative and submissive and idle and anxious. How many ways did my heart turn?

As I watch these women recount their crimes and their lives, I watch them move in and through a dozen or more emotions in the stretch of a two hour session. I am moved by the way God takes them from place to place in their heart in order for them to fully examine with His care all that they have lived through and done.

In time, as with all seasons of our lives, this too will pass into the yesterday and new things will confront each of us. But I can be sure now that no matter what I face, what I decide, what I do; I have a God who loves me enough to be there with me and to carefully help me along angled roads I cannot traverse on my own. Each of these women are also learning to walk a straighter walk down curved roads and they are learning to rely on the same God I met back in 2007; the right now, on time, ever faithful God of love. He just keeps showing up!

2010-05-12T23:45:00.000-05:00

The phone rang today. I heard a recorded voice announce I had a call from "Trish", would I accept this free call? The recording then said "after your free call you will be directed to our operators to set up an account to continue taking calls from this number". I knew in an instant that our friend, "Trish" was trying to call from inside Williamson County jail. She answered, we said a quick hello and then just as she started to say "they are going to..." the call cut off. Literally within about 20 seconds our "free call" was disconnected.

I sighed and tried to move through the process of setting up our cell phone for a prepaid account. I tried to get them to quote rates to me. I tried to establish a minimum that was required to set up this "prepaid account". I spent about 45 messing around their website and on the phone trying to wade through the muck that is set up for friends and family to accept calls from those incarcerated. I somehow, through God alone, stayed calm but was not able to set things in motion. I wasn't about to give this outfit my credit card number! Uh no thank you! Then as I perused their website, to the best I could determine, they wanted to charge me $4.65 a MINUTE! Seriously!

I went to the county website, logged on to see our friend's booking information and realized why she was calling. She's about to be moved from Williamson County to Hays County. She's at day 39 and in no more than 45 days, the offense county has to come get her. She's pulling chain tonight and I know exactly why she is calling. She wants someone to know where she is!

So often, during the process of adjudicating someone, they are moved from county to county, then to state facilities; always without time or the ability to notify anyone. In this process a woman is taken by strangers from location to location. She feels alone, lost and scared. Already with an uncertain future, she is moved around by strangers and treated with little respect or concern.

I know, I know! She got herself in this predicament, why all the sympathy?

Simple. She, as well as you and I, is a child of God. She is a wonderfully and fearfully made creation. She is God's.

As the system works to pass her from jail to jail, court to court; she is a number and at best a last name. She is a rap sheet, a list of charges and a disposition.

I have a task to insure she knows she is not lost. The rest of this week will be calling Hays County daily to find when she hits the booking files. I can send her emails there and get a response for her. I can let her know she is remembered and cared for through Christ's abundant love.

I have many thoughts about the various services that have cropped up to provide phone and card and mail service to inmates. I have as many thoughts about the commissary system inside the jails and prisons. At times, what is done to the families and friends and ministry workers that attempt to continue loving these lost men and women incarcerated, it seems a crime in itself. I have to check myself as I walk through these circumstances that I leave the injustices to Him to handle; my task is clear.

I truly love that God puts on my heart the ladies that come into our ministry. They may be the worst of the worst but He asks Mark and I daily to love them and show them the reality that is Christ. Glory to God that He opened this wonderful ministry to us and Glory to God that somehow, in the murky darkness of this world, we heard Him and responded.

Trish is not alone. God won't let her be!

News!

2010-05-05T15:59:00.004-05:00

I was really excited to learn that I was included in this quarters publication, The Apologist, by the Faithful Steward Ministries and Faithful Steward Ministries Women's Outreach. I was included on pages 17-19. Hope you take a peek and take a look at some of the wonderful work they are doing in this ministry!

I love my job.

2010-04-22T14:44:00.002-05:00

I'm very excited today as I work toward bringing a prison ministry conference to Georgetown. Last fall I met a wonderful group of ministry workers with Restorative Justice Ministries. I told them I would love to work with them on having a conference more centrally located to include many of the Austin area after care programs. They were more than responsive.

We have a date set that I'm trying to coordinate with a local host church willing to give us the space needed for this event. Those calls are all made and I await a return call sometime this afternoon.

This is something I feel very prepared to do. I'm excited about the work and organizing an event. In an old life I did a lot of regional and national conferences; spoke at several of them and worked in bringing a national conference to the Austin area in 2001. It was an exciting time and connected me with many folks in the community technology arena. Today, as I work bringing together fellow ministry workers for a day of collaboration and strengthening our work I know I am working on something pleasing to the Lord and encouraging for each of us involved.

I am reminded that God is all about relationship; with Him first and one another as He has commanded. We are strengthened and encouraged by our relationship with God and that strength and encouragement moves through our relationships with one another. So many times we are quick to devalue interaction with others working in our same industry or job but we should be reminded that there is little work that doesn't involve other people in some way. Even those most solitary of work either impacts another or provides another with a service or tool for their life; there is little we can do that doesn't have a relational aspect to it.

In ministry, the very definition of the word is relational. Websters defines ministry as "an act or instance of ministering; ministration; service. the service, functions, or profession of a minister of religion." Notice how the word "service" is in both definitional parts. I challenge you to perform the verb "service" without some relational aspect. And in this I am reminded about the very core of what we do!

Whether we are serving the women coming out of prison or working with other ministry workers toward a common goal, we are in an act of service to God, to our clients, to our community and toward one another. I am strengthened by relationship and I strengthen relationships through service; through ministry. What a better way to celebrate and increase my impact for Him than through this upcoming conference and the work that goes into it. I love my job!

A Nation in Prayer

2010-04-21T23:48:00.001-05:00

This was shared with me from a dear friend. I had to pass this along. While I don't normally post from other's emails or commonly forwarded material, I felt this worth sharing.

Evening Prayer

Someone has said that if Christians really understood the full extent of the power we have available through prayer, we might be speechless.

Did you know that during WWII there was an advisor to Churchill who organized a group of people who dropped what they were doing every day at a prescribed hour for one minute to collectively pray for the safety of England, its people and peace?

There is now a group of people organizing the same thing here in America . If you would like to participate: Every evening at 9:00 PM Eastern Time (8:00 PM Central) (7:00 PM Mountain) (6:00 PM Pacific), stop whatever you are doing and spend one minute praying for the safety of the United States, our troops, our citizens, and for a return to a Godly nation. If you know anyone else who would like to participate, please pass this along. Our prayers are the most powerful asset we have. Please forward this to your praying friends.

Cleaning my desk

2010-04-21T20:38:00.004-05:00

Do you ever feel like you can't start a new project or even finish a half done one up before you get organized, cleaning all around your work space and then settle in for the creative stuff? For me that struck this week as I've quarantined myself at home for several health issues that just need time to pass and heal.

Yet God is tugging at my heart to finish my story, update my blog and work on putting together the stories that glorify Him. But today, even after moving my lap top back onto my desk (which took some clearing off itself!) I couldn't sit down and get a thing done until I had some room around me. The remnants of a recent retreat were still piled next to my desk; bags that hadn't been unpacked and stacks of paperwork, filing and just "stuff" abounding around me.

I see progress now though. My desk is taking some shape, yes a big pile remains that I know I have to go through but I am working through the details bit by bit.

Its far from perfect, but then again, so am I. We work well together, this little desk and I but I need some room!

God is working with me on many things right now; organization. Procrastination. Patience. Vision. Direction. I'm hearing the organization messages loud and clear and I become more discontent with the chaos around me. I think that's how God works with us too. He puts little things in our heart that say "I don't like this anymore." and we can start to see how changing that one little thing changes us inside. When I listen to that heart message, and act upon it, I am obedient. When I hear the message and ignore it, several things happen. I shut God out of my life, even unintentionally and I miss out on the blessing of His teaching.

I was taught that in Exodus as God gave Moses the ten commandments He said "I give you these commandments so things may go well for you," and I reflect on this even now. When I listen to God's commandments or direction in my life, things usually seem to go well for me. When I ignore that voice in the quiet, go my own way or orchestrate my own actions, I often find things get pretty mucked up in a hurry.

God has purpose and plan for each of us. He has direction He knows is in our best interest. He needs to refine each of us in order that we carry out His plan and purpose and I think He does this through a long series of events and choices and options. The more I listen and follow directions, the closer I am to seeing and understanding God's plan for my life. I am starting that with simply learning to hear His voice and acting upon what I hear. As silly as it may sound, today I really think God wanted me to get some things cleared away and cleaned up so I could focus on some tasks that need my attention.

I have taken time to get through surgery and recover from bronchitis, asthma and now ear infections. I am ready to work again and though I still need some quiet time to let the doctor prescribed medications take full hold, I have much I can do right here at my desk. But first, God said it clearly, you have to be able to find that desk.

Tomorrow I plan on study and prayer time. God has much for me to do and I need to hear what that is. I know no other way than to give the day to Him. I'll let Him take it from there.

Praying on Our Knees - In Touch Ministries - Dr. Charles Stanley 2010

2010-04-19T21:19:00.001-05:00

Praying on Our Knees - In Touch Ministries - Dr. Charles Stanley 2010

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Always pray.

2010-04-19T15:45:00.003-05:00

Mark and I have been talking a great deal lately about the ministry; it's growth track and it's future. It's been 7 mos. now since we made the step out in faith and started Spirit House Ministries. We did so we knew at the direct calling of our Lord and we felt confident in it's success. We have seen some wonderful successes to be sure.

But lately we've felt a sense of discontent with its progress and our vision. I have to admit I've even felt like chucking it all and finding some secular job so Mark and I could maybe buy our own home and have a few extra things! But I know these desires are not from God and that such a direction could seriously derail our spiritual growth as well.

Mark and I have never questioned that God brought us together for His special purpose. Our lives, so complex and filled with challenges, came together at a time when we both so needed the strength and comfort of another person. God knew our needs and saw to them in a special and unique way that only He can orchestrate. From our first date we talked about our faith, our love of Jesus and our desire to devote our lives to His purposes.

So these new aching challenges of direction and next steps has us truly in a crisis of the heart. Where does God want us to take His work? What are the next steps?

Our answer? Prayer. What else can we do but take our confusion and blurred vision to the maker of all, our Lord and Savior. For this ministry and our lives are His masterpiece, His work and His plan. We are not immune to the spiritual warfare that Satan would deceive us by. But we are armed with the strength that cannot be challenged.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,

for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. (Eph. 6:13-20 NLT)

Therefore, return to scripture, where truth lies and His desires for our life are mapped out. It is incumbent upon us all that our lives should be armed with God and our direction in any warfare should be at His leading. Our work, that of a battle against this world and our desires, and all that God would have us do must be grounded in scripture and grounded in His word. Nothing replaces a personal relationship with God, our father and His Son, Jesus Christ. If we are to remain in His will, then, nothing can replace our study of His word and deep, spiritfilled prayer.

Our ministry is nothing with our own efforts. We can work and work and go nowhere if we leave out the power of Christ in our lives. This ministry and this blog are but tools of God to use to increase His Kingdom and care for His children.

Mark and I agree, God is center first in our lives and this ministry is where He has placed us for His purposes. Our job is to listen and when directed, act. In those times when we have no specific direction, our task it to ask...ask and it will be given to you. It is time, Lord, Mark and I ask for your divine direction in our lives and the resources to carry them out. We are your servants.

I share all this with you today to show that all, even those whose lives are drenched in ministry, have times in which we feel lost and without direction, confused by the world and tugged at by things that might not be of His choosing for our lives. Being honest with you is my greatest gift. I believe we are in this together and learning from one another, even in times of turmoil, strengthen us in the long run for the battle of this fallen world in which we operate.

I promised this blog would be honest and the stories and writing would be true and accurate. I hope this too meets that standard as we move through the moments of our lives that are not always smooth and perfect. I pray that our lives and our struggles become comfort for others who wonder at their destiny and their purpose. And I pray. Always pray.

My editor

2010-03-18T18:31:00.003-05:00

I spent 182 days in Williamson County Jail. In a life of now 48 years, that doesn't sound like much time. Almost three years later, as I work to document those days, the staff, court personnel and the women I shared "our house" with I am slowly seeing it all in a very different way.

Early on in my "stay" I began making notes of experiences, events, processes and people; the writer living inside me since I was a small child wanted to insure this very BIG experience wasn't lost to just another blurred memory. I wanted to keep alive everything I was going through and in the beginning it was for purposes that were less than noble, I wanted to figure out how to make money off my bad circumstances. That's the brutal truth. I wanted to write some "tell all" book to expose the injustices within the justice system and the often inhumane treatment that exists in our jails and prisons. Brutal, honest truth. Over time my notes became a scrapbook of words, a way to vividly remember the unique, diverse and interesting women that were housed in WILCO during that time. Monica, Kristan, Nichole, Lori, Patrica, Robyn, Cindi, Hope, Lee, Shannon, Olanda; the list of women and their stories are now a part of our joined history, now a part of my life forever.

Don't get me wrong. There was plenty to write about, the injustice was often quite real. The inhumane treatment not a figment of angry imaginations. I could write a book about that! But God put something on my heart that took this work and those notes in a new direction. He wants His daughter's stories, their testimonies to be clearly a reflection of His love. That's my task, starting with my own story and working right on through each and every story I was to hear, it was and is to be an accurate representation of God's Love and His Grace and His Mercy.

There was a purpose for my experience and in that experience God knew He had placed me where I could find a voice for my life. He also knew that I would never quiet until the stories were told and people could read them. I continue to work toward the goal of publication and I keep gathering stories and notes and interviews and conversations that tell how God has worked in the miraculous lives of the many women I came to know behind bars.

Not a one of those women will tell the same story. Their lives are unique blended experiences that are vividly alive. They may have drugs in common, or prostitution, or theft...they may share an abusive background or relationship. But they are individual women whose lives were continual choices, this direction or that. Some knew God from childhood, others discovered God in jail as I did, still others were being reintroduced to their loving Heavenly Father. Few that I met were unwilling to talk about God. I was probably one of the most stubborn in that regard! And as we talked, the conversations always took on a glow. There was something truly on fire in the dark hours when we would gather and speak quietly about Jesus and faith and what it means to be a Christian. No matter what might be going on in the tank or pod, when women gathered in the quiet to talk, something made the bars fall away and the guards disappear. We were alone with one another and with God.

You often hear that God sets man free and it is no more true than behind bars. When you feel His presence in your heart and with you right where you are, not even the cold steel and concrete of jail can make your heart feel trapped or caged. You are free in spirit and free in faith and free in love. God takes you from the empty night and brings you to His light. Those are the stories that we shared. Stories of how yesterday and today don't matter as much as the love our God has for us.

I will never forget those moments in jail when I sat contently on my bunk as though on my bed at home. Reading and writing and taking notes as though I was studying for a college exam and not writing on a steel bunk in county jail. I will never forget how God transported my mind away from the failure and shame of my actions to focus on our relationship alone.

And while I might have spent time planning my tell all book, God had other things in mind. Who am I to disregard my editor? He is the author and finisher!

2010-03-12T19:01:00.003-06:00

When I sit down to write on my book or blog, two things are always true, I am in a good mood and I am feeling inspired to share something even if I don't know what that "something" is. Today these truths hold firm. But it has me wondering...why am I so unwilling to write when I'm in a bad mood? What keeps me from sharing the negative feelings? Why am I so careful not to expose the bad the days, the unjoyful days, the days void of something happy and light?

Even as I write this, it is amazing to me how the words just seem to type themselves and a message, not what I intended but what God would have me write seems to get created and put on screen. I am thinking about the negative, always a part of our lives at some point in time, even if only for a moment, and I am reminded of the images of the "church people" of my past. The perfectly dressed, perfectly combed and brushed and curled with pearls church ladies that always made me feel frumpy and inadequate. I think of the men in suits that always looked so much more dapper than my husband, more dapper and somehow more successful that dropped their checks in the basket for all to see as the highly polished brass plate was passed by. I think of the children, all spit-shined with stark white anklets and severly pressed dress pants.

And how nothing negative ever seem to hang over any of them except my perception of my life in comparison to theirs.

Then one day, while still living with Pastor Joy, she drug me to a woman's retreat at our church. The ladies, like all the ladies of church I had ever known were dressed and polished, hair perky and perfectly cut, clothes ironed to perfection, jewelry in perfect balance with the clothes and colors. They gathered, chittering and chatting, anxious to hear our guest speaker, Linda Strom, who wrote the book "Karla Fay Tucker: Set Free".

Linda Strom brought a speaker with her as well and the day was a journey in both their testimonies and my perception of the perfect church ladies I had ever known began to change. As the day moved from worship to testimony to growing activities I saw these women in a whole new way. One exercise had us gathered in groups of four or five women; all to tell something about their struggles and the times in their life when they could not feel God close or leaned on Him the most.

I sat in my group, certain I knew what I was about to hear - stories about the twins having chicken pox at the same time or the struggle to deal with a gossipy neighbor. I was sure the stories would be guarded reflections of trifling "challenges" while I still wondered, fresh out of incarceration, how I would ever rebuild my life.

The first lady started, tears already welling in her eyes as she talked about the infidelity of her husband and how she wasn't sure they would ever see their way out of the debt he had racked up during his affair, let alone her ability to forgive and most past his betrayal. The next lady, in response to one of the days speakers shared her story about her rape she had always hidden away but now felt free to admit it was a part of her life. My criminal history and my own tortured past which included childhood sexual abuse as well didn't seem as dark and unfamiliar. Each woman shared more than I ever knew lived behind the leaded glass front doors on the perfect Norman Rockwell houses and I was more than surprised, I was relieved.

I had lived my entire life avoiding that place where I felt the most out of sync; church. I had lived my entire life feeling as though all the people there had much to feel blessed about and that is why they were there. I had little I could feel was praise worthy in my life and therefore I didn't belong!

Why, oh why do we think we have to put on shiny, perfect faces when the lives of so many in each and every church is made up of trauma, crime, violence, betrayal, and grief. Why do we feel compelled to put on a smile when there is pain deep inside us? Why must we present our lives as a testament to perfection separating us from the reality of life?

The truth is we live in a fallen world and each and every one of us are at some point affected by its fallenness. People are hurting and healing, grieving and coming to joy, addicted and recovering, betraying and reconciling each and every day. People feel less, inferior, unloved, unloveable, inadequate and small; but many are transformed by a BIG, more than enough God that sees them as His wonderful creations and we seek to feel that acceptable, uncompromising love every time we step inside the walls of His Church.

I had to go to jail, fail in every aspect of my life, be dragged to church and a woman's retreat before I knew the truth behind the faces...the contentment and joy that only God provides. I had to be desperate enough to change what my life had been before I could see that others shared my story and now my God. The brave and loving women who embraced me and shared with me their true lives that day changed the way I looked at church, myself and the perfect "church women" I had always loathed and envied.

I never want to be the negative Nellie that has to point out the bad in every situation or drone on about social injustice, crime, violence, bigotry, racism, the economy, politics and the state of the country and world. But I also don't want to ignore that the Church, the people who feel it necessary to present perfect lives need to have a voice and a place to share with the entire body of Christ all that they have lived through and all that God has done in their lives!

Our honesty with ourselves, each other and our wonderful God about the negative in our lives opens our lives to what God can do. Believing that faking it til we make it keeps us in control but gives God little room in our lives. Believing that God already knows the darkest parts of our lives invites Him in to do that only He can do. Being honest with one another gives us each a safe and loving place to rest together while we wait on Him to move in our lives.

I think of that day often, thankful in my heart that God again was revealing a truth to me about His church and His children. Just like the perfectly coiffed women of my torment, I saw the tortured, turbulent lives behind the make up and hair and perfect clothes. I saw that God made me just the way He intended; imperfect and living in this fallen world. He made me for His purpose and just like the lady in pearls next to me, I too have a destiny. No less or more precious than the family in the pew in front of me, I am His child, His daughter, His creation. And though my life has had its share of negative, He knew all of this even before He breathed life into me and I am as much His child as anyone else, just as loved, just as treasured. And like those many men and women in Church, I have secrets and fears and insecurities that I don't let the world see, for my own reasons.

To the women who shared with me that day, thank you. To my friends, sisters and church, thank you. Though you may not be willing or ready to reveal your truth to me, I know it's there and I love you. To my God who revealed this and many truths to me since we met, thank you, and I praise you for all that you are and all that you have done for me.

I am imperfect and I am loving it. I'm ready to share your imperfection too. I pray for you that whatever holds you back from an authentic life, you too are set free...because we are all one Body of Christ and all living in the same fallen world. God bless us all!

Spirit House I

2010-02-25T12:57:00.015-06:00

Where did the month go?

Oh, that's right, we were busy making our housing unit ready for our first resident! Mark and I have been so busy painting and hauling furniture and replacing kitchen counters and stocking shelves with all the things that make a household run, well...it's been tough getting back here to keep everyone updated.

I have pics! Boy do I have pics!

Let's start with our before pictures. The housing units really didn't look like much when we first walked in but I felt in my heart that both the partnership with Jesus is Love Outreach Ministries and Spirit House Ministries was a Godly one and with some love these units could be made into a home so I walked out in faith and said yes.

Spirit House is so proud of all our donors, the friends and family who have pitched in to make these units come alive with God's love and provision!

Tuesday I was blessed to meet our first resident as I drove to Gatesville for her release. It is always an amazing day when a woman walks out of bondage into light.
Belinda is no different. She's happy and full of hope in her Lord. That's all we can ask for. The look on her face is why we are called to do what we do and we can't ask for more than what you see here.

I am always humbled that Mark and I were both called into service at the same time; with the same devotion and heart. Each for our own reasons but together working toward the same goals to serve the same mighty God. Trusting always in His divine intervention in all things, we are ready to start on unit II and get out there for more donations and more support. Guided by His direction in all things, Spirit House takes shape and moves ahead. God is good....ALL the time.

So today there isn't a memory or some lesson learned, no deep thoughts or ponderings of what we experience with the women we serve. Today is a day of celebration for us as we see our heart's desire come to pass. We are a ministry that serves, we are doing what we said we would do and we are seeing God provide in ways we could not orchestrate. It's a wonderful day when one sees a plan come together, learning to let God do the planning is our hardest part. But we're learning. And He's doing.

The Church at work

2010-01-26T16:50:00.003-06:00

Our landlord had a screen door installed on our front door today. I am enjoying the wonderful sunshine while working as I can leave my solid front door open with this new contraption keeping the bugs and cold out. It's marvelous. I can watch the cars go by, hear the sounds of kids coming home from school and bask in the warmth of the sun as it slowly moves across the carpet. One wouldn't think that something as simple and common as a screen door could provide such joy but today I am just a kid again with this newly installed, functional item at my disposal and I want to praise God for the generosity of our landlord.

I recognize she did not have to install this door on our unit. We rented it without a screen door so we had no expectation of one nor should we have. Yet, when our landlord decided to move into the other half of the duplex to "downsize" she began upgrading little things for her own convenience and has included us in each upgrade she has done. There has been no added expense to us and she hasn't raised the rent in the two years we've been here, she just says she appreciates us as tenants and we are a blessing to her!

She continues to watch us ready ourselves for upgrading and renovating the housing units. She knows what we are about and what we do to serve the Lord. She has contributed painting supplies, carpet and the use of her pick up for transporting large items to Copperas Cove. She continues to demonstrate a love for us that is unique these days. We continue to keep her in our prayers and to be the most timely and conscientious tenant we know how to be.

The Church was meant to be this way. Yet today in our dog eat dog world we are often quick to forget the giving, loving and generous hearts that God created in us. While Mark and I work diligently to provide housing to a woman who may otherwise wind up homeless and without care; our landlord gives generously to us in simple ways that bring us joy and comfort. The sharing of our resources, the giving and spreading of what we have is an expression of Christ in us and I am humbled today to see evidence of it as the suns pours in and the cold is kept out.

Screen doors may not bring everyone the same joy I am experiencing, but I challenge each of us to look around and find the generosity sent your way today you might have overlooked. And I challenge each of us to find a way today to be a generous Christian to someone else. This is the Church at work.

Job descriptions

2010-01-25T20:09:00.005-06:00

We're gearing up for our first resident to join us in February but of course amid the busy work of painting and redecorating the housing units we still have clients whom we work with that are not part of our housing program. Those clients, whose needs are different but just as necessary make up a large part of my day. Whether I'm referring them to a professional service or engaging them in life coaching exercises, they too need the attention and time that only one on one can provide.

Over the weekend I received some distressing emails from a client who was released late last quarter and was blessed with a safe and warm home to return to with a loving partner who was there and ready to accept her back into his life. She is very fortunate. Blessed one might say. Yet amid all of God's blessings; a home, food, clothes, a car, even money for more frivolous things such as hair appointments and pedicures (a weakness of mine) she still feels so much anger, confusion, betrayal, fear and uncertainty in her life. It's difficult talking to her at times. In one moment she's rational and clearly sees God working in her life. In the next, she cannot shake off the old life, the old temptations, the anger and hurt that always explode in a rage of alcohol and drugs. She relapsed this weekend. After a night in a hotel and waking to remorse and shame the next morning she returned home to find a prayerful and forgiving spouse who laid out totally new ground rules to her. That was her one fall, in his home, he said. His sobriety and his stable life wasn't worth her chaos. The price was now too high for him. God, he said, told him to forgive her but to make clear he was not responsible for her ungodly lifestyle. One more time and he was done.

She called today and we talked. As we did, God was with us both and we were able to see how far, even in her relapse she was already healed by God's love. While she did choose drugs over other coping skills, this time, when she did she did not feel the physical compulsion to just keep drugging.

I always love when God just takes over my mouth and speaks words that I have no idea where they come from (of course knowing as its happening and always afterward that I had nothing to do with what was said!) I pointed out to her that the physical compulsion, the part that sends you back for more and more, the part any addict will tell you keeps you bound in the insidious spiral, was gone. During her incarceration, in letter after letter, she agonized over why God had not and was not healing her of her addictions. Why was He not healing her as He had done so many others! Today, as we talked, God revealed to her just how much He had already done in her. The compulsion was gone. The craving didn't rear its ugly head and in the dawn of the morning, the bad choice, the behavior, became manageable. Physical compulsions were almost more than a human can manage, behavior can be modified! God has already done in her body what she would never be able to cure or heal on her own; the physical compulsion simply wasn't there.

I have witnessed many repentant tears, broken hearts, hopeful smiles in the work I do but I have never witnessed the dawning of hope in quite the same way until today. God was at work long before we ever knew, doing what only He can do in us; miraculous healing.

There is nothing I can do to change or heal or cure any of the women that we work with. I have to rely on God to do what only He can do. I was humbled today as I watched Him at work realizing that while I am busy building a ministry to serve His beautiful daughters, He is at work doing what He needs done. And the overwhelming feelings I've been having lately about all there is to do in our ministry are diminished.

God wrote out our job descriptions.

Tonight I'm busy with paperwork and getting things lined up for the housing unit. And tonight God is busy doing what He does best, healing hearts. Anyone can do what I'm doing. God is amazing. I'm also thanking Him tonight for job descriptions. Who'd ever thought?

COURAGEOUS - The New Movie From Sherwood Pictures Announcement

2010-01-20T14:52:00.001-06:00

The new film by Provident Films; maker of Fireproof, Facing the Giants and Flywheel!

Do I need a Savior?

2009-12-10T02:45:00.002-06:00

When I was first released from jail back in July of '07 the last thing I wanted to do was talk about what I had done or even the fact that I had been in jail. I wanted to forget the embarrassing circumstances that brought me there and remove myself as far as I could from the guilt and shame I felt over what would be a part of my history forever. I was no longer a struggling single Mother doing a wonderful job of juggling it all but was now a "former inmate" or "ex-offender" or my favorite, "a known felon".

The truth was, most folks think those in jail and prison are flippant about their crimes, all intentionally and with malice committed to hurt someone and cause pain on others without remorse or afterthought.

The truth is, most everyone I met in jail regretted what they had done, were ashamed so much so that even among a "den of thieves" they dare not speak the truth about it. Most felt guilt for what they were now putting their families through, guilt about children left behind somewhere, either with other family or in the system. They felt shame they had lived a life so opposed to what they even believed to be right or good that to attach the crime to their very personage was so difficult as to sometimes cause great emotional scarring and turmoil. They didn't sit around joking and laughing about what they didn't get caught doing or plotting their next crime once they were free again. Oh sure, from time to time an off handed joke would float about but that wasn't the norm and in the quiet hours of night when small groups would chat and women would journal or write letters to the outside, the real stuff came flooding out. The tears of shame would fall slowly down faces bearing no make-up; nothing to hide behind. Pages would wrinkle from the torturous hours of writing and crying, as tears dropped onto notebook paper and curl the thin sheets.

I remember those hot tears of shame and guilt; remorse and anger and disappointment in myself. I remember all the emotions that flooded over me during my jail time and after. I wanted to flee outside those walls and pretend that wasn't my life. I wanted to forget that I was that "ex-offender" or "former inmate".

But the world doesn't want us to forget.

So I ask you, who are you? What label does the world put on you? Are you a doctor? A lawyer? A secretary? A mother? An accountant? A babysitter?

Now think about the worst thing you can think you have ever done? Did you have an abortion as a teenager? Did you steal someone's boyfriend in high school? Did you fantasize about a famous actor or sports figure? Did you drink too much in college or yesterday perhaps? Did you take home a few office supplies for school supplies for the kids last fall? Did you forget to scan that soda under your cart at the grocery store? Did you make out with your boss at last year's Christmas party? Did you wish you were someone else for a minute, living someone else's life?

Whatever you have done, no matter how big or small, there is a label for it and God says you are a sinner. Perhaps you are the worst sinner, a murderer? That abortion at 15 wasn't near as harmless as you once thought, not "just a decision". That relationship you came between, did that make you an adulterer or were you coveting something someone else had rights to? Perhaps you are just a drunkard or glutton? Doesn't harm anyone but you? Or are you a thief in those little disguised ways we push out of our minds?

Thankfully though, no matter what label we or the world attaches to our worst behavior, despite all that we do that is not pleasing to God, He still loves us so much that long before we were born to make our worst mistakes, He came up with a way back to Him. He devised a perfect plan and set it into motion so that our separation from Him would not be forever. His plan of redemption and salvation undermines our biggest, most heinous acts against ourselves, others and against God Himself.

And because of this I no longer have to fear the labels of the world but can walk with my head held high as I realize that I am forgiven. To the one who holds my destiny, I am as far from my sin as the east is from the west. Even more, my story has a purpose now. Even my worst decision, my biggest crime, is a story of redemption and forgiveness and it has a purpose. No, I don't take pride in the things I've done and there are some I still would rather never know what I had done but none the less, the past is past and my future is secure because of the one choice I made that trumps all others. I made the choice to make Jesus Christ my personal Lord and Savior, and because of this choice, if He chooses to use my shame-filled past to show His glorious love for each of us, it isn't for me to say no. For the gift He has promised me, the gift I can rely upon is far greater than the discomfort of a label in this world.

But I ask you, before you label me, think again about the worst thing you've ever done. Wear that label for a day or two, really honestly wear that label, then ask yourself this:

"Do I need a Savior?"

A God of Restoration

2009-12-08T22:19:00.006-06:00

For most of us, the holidays are a time of gift buying, baking, family and friends. We gather together, give more to charities and find ourselves in overly good and merry moods. I know I do.

I work in my little elf shop, making cards and writing out letters to friends I seldom remember the rest of the year in the hustle and bustle with work. I put down other hobbies and save my time for holiday pursuits. But not everyone I know has the luxury of turning their lives in different directions for the season. Their lives are dictated from sun up to sun down as any other day. They are the many women (and men) we serve at Spirit House Ministries who are currently incarcerated in jail or prison. They live their lives day in and day out without some of the simple joys that I have every day.

While I know most of these women committed a crime that landed them in their circumstances, I never want to forget that they are more than the crime they committed. They made choices and mistakes, that is true. Yet they are also women with stories, pasts, families. They are educated or uneducated. They are single or married. They are mothers or sisters or aunts or daughters. They are women who you might be surprised are much like you.

Because I work with these women and I have lived with them as well, I know another side to the stories you may think you know. I've laughed with them and cried with them. I've fought with them and shared with them. I've listened to their fear that the world is going on without them and heard them give thanks that someone has remembered them with a card or letter. I've shared pictures of my children as they shared pictures of theirs. I've whispered prayers with them and played cards with them all at the same time. I've been blessed to know them.

Tonight, while I was busy in my elf workshop, creating some greeting cards for Christmas gifts, my phone rang. It was a client and friend who was released from prison early this year. She struggled in her first weeks, trying to learn about God and her relationship with Christ while battling the lure of the world as it welcomed her back. In short order she found herself pregnant and wondering how this would all work out but determined, having lost custody of her other two children, that she would make life right for this one. I can hear you now, she has no business having a child! Some new life she is living, giving in to sin and creating a life she has no business raising. Smart one, she is, getting pregnant and thinking she can rebuild her life let alone take care of a new one. You know you're thinking it though you might not say it, I know this because I too wondered what she was thinking and what she was doing. And I am her friend and sister in Christ. I've discipled her for over two years and tried to be there for her during her walk in the world again.

Well, here she was on the phone talking about how she was finally getting all she ever wanted in life; a husband, child and home. She was "fat and broke and happier" than she'd ever been and she was rejoicing in the birth of her new son. She had plans in February to petition the court for custody of her oldest son, which was being supported by the case worker in Utah handling her son's case. She is soon to be reunited with him. She is experiencing the joys of communion with our Lord and is learning about the God of restoration we serve. Her new baby is a gift and she knows this. She believes God is giving her the life she's dreamed of because finally she is understanding who He is and what He wants to do in her life. She is finding a quiet, content life and she knows it is God at work in her life. She is finding faith and a joy that comes from a life of faith.

Hers is just one story of restoration and grace we are blessed to see each day. And while the holidays are a convenient time to give thanks to God for all He does for us, it is so fitting that during this time we can remind one another no matter our circumstances, thanks be to God who though while we were still sinners, died for us, ALL of us.

Amazing Grace

2009-12-04T07:16:00.006-06:00

Mark and I have been through our share of "stuff". We've had our challenges and I would hazard a guess we would both admit that most of them we have brought on ourselves. It wasn't so long ago, both of us would have tried to change things, manipulate those around us and find a way, albeit an imperfect way around the fixes we'd found ourselves in. I'm not too proud to admit that as I stood outside my office that brisk January day, looking down at the arrest warrants the Sheriff's officers held in their hands, the one thought going through my head was "I can get out of this, think, Leslie, think. What do I do?"

Sadly enough in that moment, the thought wasn't a plea to God or a repentant confession. Rather it was another round of mental manipulation that would assure I could get out of this rocky situation. I sat in the police station, a small gold bricked room with a table and three uncomfortable chairs crammed in still thinking about how I could best deny any guilt and get back to work. Logic was escaping me, work already knew what I was accused of doing, they were instrumental in my arrest and I wasn't welcome back there. Machines had been put into motion that all the talking in the world would not get me out of, not my best con or fastest thinking. The two officers asked me questions and I pretended not to know a thing about what they were talking about, all the while amazed how they could almost trace my steps. They asked questions, I denied knowledge.

When days of denial turned into weeks of incarceration, I didn't have anywhere to turn. It's hard to turn to anyone when we are in denial of our part in any circumstance. It would take months for me to understand that turning to God means little if we aren't straight with Him. Repentance is a big part of our relationship with God. He already knows what we've done but He awaits an honest and repentant heart. Yet grateful am I that in the very instant we come clean, lean on Him in all things and accept His ways as best our hearts know how, He is there for us; working miracles in our lives and answering prayers.

I've often said I don't understand God and that holds true today. I served a 1 year state jail felony 2 for 1 in county jail (grace grace grace) after I got on my knees and gave myself to the Lord. Mark's drastic reduction on a second offense (there are folks in state jail serving time for a second DWI offense) is nothing short of a miracle. Grace is all over our lives and if nothing convinces someone, pure grace should! Mark and I were both guilty. We deserved much more than we got. God dealt with us gently. Mark may be smiling and confident (as he says) in God, for me, God still amazes me. When He takes what we do and turns into a gentle lesson taught by a loving Father, we can do nothing more than be in awe of His grace and love.

But it all starts with a repentant heart.

Mark often says, "God knows your heart," and he's right. He knows when we have come to that place we cannot handle, when we need love and when we need correction. He works things out perfectly and provides a means out of our own messes when we see no way out. He waits for moments in our lives when our will has cost us the most and He comes in to show us amazing grace and love.

For Mark and I, God is more than the lyrics in a song, His handiwork is alive in our lives. His ways are perfect and because of that, I can do nothing but give thanks and continuously worship Him. For there is only one truth in my life, a truth told in lyrics but evidence none the less of our loving God:

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace.

(Amazing Grace - my chains are gone: Chris Tomlin)

Explosive blessings

2009-11-18T16:13:00.004-06:00

Mark and I have been listening to Joel Osteen for most of this year; we record him on our DVR and when we have a chance to sit down together and relax, we queue up a few weeks messages and just enjoy his inspiring way of teaching and preaching. For the better part of this year, he has been talking about "God's explosive blessings" and Mark and I continually kid about waiting upon the Lord to see them come (and sometimes forgetting about the part where He sees to our daily needs).

When Mark and I left our former ministry we knew we were also leaving some financial strength behind and we would literally be starting from ground zero but we were prepared to trust God for provision and as you've read and watched, you know provision is exactly what God saw to in our first weeks. Yet, nothing really prepared us for what God decided to do next!

As you know, I attended a 1 day conference in Gatesville where I met some wonderful folks in Copperas Cove who might have some housing and we might want to get together on making this housing become a reality. We left things pretty loose and it was one of the calls I knew I wanted to follow up on.

Monday I set out in the afternoon to meet with Francie Robinson of Jesus is Love Outreach Ministries. She and her husband own two small six unit apartment houses that they've dreamed of turning into transitional housing. Francie and I seem to hit it right off and as we talked we knew we would be working hard for the Lord to give His newly released daughters a safe and warm place to live while they put their tattered lives back together.

We are on a whirlwind now.

Spirit House Ministries is please to announce the partnership with Jesus is Love Outreach Ministries to begin renovation and conversion of their wonderful apartments into a Christ centered women's transitional housing program in Copperas Cove, TX. We praise God for His abundant and EXPLOSIVE blessings at this time when Christians can come together in a unified way and provide for those Jesus has called us to serve.

Joel was right, God's plans for us are far beyond what we can see or imagine and while so many details have yet to be worked out, we can see a glimpse into the plan God has laid out for a few lives here in Central Texas. For now, we are basking in the explosive blessings that He has given us, a place to start the first of what we hope are many Spirit Filled Spirit Houses serving women coming out of prison and entering their new life in Christ!

Which door?

2009-11-03T20:43:00.004-06:00

More and more I reflect on the time in jail and the day I walked out. I remember being led down the short hall from booking to the lobby and out to the front counter where one comes to jail to visit. I sat down on the small benches inside and looked around. The activity was familiar. It was just after five so family members were gathering to be escorted up to the visitation halls. But I just sat there watching and waiting for someone to tell me what to do.

In a few minutes I got up and went to the phone, dialing the number of Pastor Joy, hoping she was awaiting my release and my call. Then I sat back down on the bench. I was sure any moment someone would come along and walk me back to some unknown area, telling me I had no business being out there. I just sat. I had no idea how far away Joy lived so I couldn't begin to know when she would arrive, so I sat quietly. I watched the activity, wanting to move but so certain someone would yell my name and stop me in my tracks.

Slowly it came over me that I was free to go where I wanted and I could step outside to wait. No one was going to grab my arm or slap cuffs on my wrists. I had served my time and I was a free woman, as much a free woman as I could be on an extended period of 5 years probation. But I could walk outside without repercussion. I could walk out the dreaded door that led to freedom and a new life.

I have since found life to be much like that busy lobby with doors all around; walk through each one for different life experiences and outcomes. Some you have permission to walk through, some you would rather not walk through; but all of them are doors of choice. Months ago I made the choice to commit a crime. Months later, lives changed, I walked out a new door and into a new reality that was filled with faith, hope and Christ.

I had read in John 10:9 "Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. Wherever they go, they will find green pastures."

That gate or door provides a new life in Christ that changes everything about the women who walked into jail in cuffs and out the front door as a saved sinner. I am ever mindful of His role and place in my life. I had tried for 46 years to open the doors I chose to open. It was time to watch for the open doors that God created for me. Living on my own volition damned me to a life of fear and uncertainty. Living for God front and center made my life choices so much easier.

I will always remember that day, and I am reminded of it each time I have the honor to pick up a woman on her release day. I am reminded the fear and uncertainty that washes over each face as the day comes when the gates swing wide and the world is again beckoning. Often I hear the plea in letters long before they see that day, what had become familiar in the regimented schedule to a life of choices again...oh the fear! And with each letter I share with my sisters in white the joy of choice when Christ drives our lives.

Always I will remember, and always with Christ by my side; we share the joy He intended.

A busy Saturday

2009-11-02T22:18:00.003-06:00

Not often have I attended a conference or meeting that I felt was fruitful and informative and I've sat through dozens in my career.

Saturday was totally different. I attended a wonderfully organized and yet intimately informal gathering of Texas prison ministries put together by the Restorative Justice Ministries Network. Emmett Solomon, Anita Parrish and others brought together a group of dynamic ministries, representatives of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice, and others interested in the many facets of serving and working with those in prison in Texas.

As a relative newbie in the area of ministry, I heard testimony after testimony of faith and grace spreading through the many men and women serving and being served by the dedicated folks in ministry. As a seasoned non-profit professional, I was impressed with the many folks who took time out of their lives to update us all on regional and state concerns as it affects this unique ministry focus.

I look forward to all the connections and friendships that began on Saturday and I know God is moving in all of our ministries to reach out further and further to those we wish to serve. I could not know, some two plus years ago as I sat at a steel table in F5 of the Williamson County Jail that I would ever have the opportunity to function as a professional woman again. I only know that God has so restored my life and I want to share that same hope with the many women currently in prison or jail.

The warmth and care and love that was expressed to many of us there at the conference, and yes, there were several of us ex-offenders in attendance, was amazing. Yet everyone who took time out of their weekend to gather for a unified purpose I believe was energized and educated.

I am anxious to get started on a new regional conference in the Travis/Williamson County area and will keep everyone updated as things progress. What more could we ask except that God intervene and provide new opportunities for growth and collaboration among His many servants. I am grateful for this chance to expand my knowledge. I am grateful for the challenging work He has provided for me. More than anything I am grateful that while I was still a sinner, He died for me and so I am saved!

And that message is one that needs to be told to our sisters and brothers in white; therefore we gladly give up our Saturdays, Sundays and many days to follow in order to insure that no one goes without at least hearing the truth, His truth, His life saving, eternity impacting truth.

Abundance and chicken broth

2009-10-23T15:23:00.003-05:00

The house is filling with wonderful aromas, chicken is slowly boiling on the stove, bubbling its way to jerked chicken and homemade chicken stock. White northern beans are simmering with bacon, celery and onions; all they need is some warm cornbread. Apples are cooking down again into another apple crisp (we just didn't have enough last weekend) and I am again reminded how loved I am! How wonderful is the Lord who seems always to bring out my creativity in the kitchen when we are so broke and without funds for the weekend yet a banquet am I preparing.

I am often humbled by God as I lament some turmoil only to see His wonderful hand at work in my life. Today is no different. Mark woke early to start a project that I was to complete and get to the PO by 5 PM today; but once I woke, we knocked it out, removing the need for me to leave my cozy nest today at all! Mark and God both know how I often hate to leave my house, loving the joy of working at home and feel all safe and nutured in my own surroundings. Once that was out the door, I opened the pantry to begin the process of making sustaining food for us this weekend as our plans are another working weekend. In short order I was able to fill the house with the homemade smells of Grandma's cooking (thanks Grandma! for teaching me to cook and love doing it) giving me the perfect backdrop to get my real work started.

Mark is off to his full time job but his head is turned toward home; he too wishes we both worked out of the house as we love the cozy place we've created. Sometimes I'm afraid we'd become hermits as much as we love just being at home and working and sharing our time and faith through letters and writing and our work. I feel a bliss at this day that I have to give over to God. I am doing the work I love, reaching out to women who have become my family and dear friends. I am cooking and enjoying music and reading and learning. All the things I love to do and the Lord has provided me a way to live a life that can only be called abundant.

Sure, Mark and I are often pinching pennies and often trying to balance the income with the outgo. Sure, we sometimes have to forgo a fun event or decline an invitation. But when I feel blessed, when I have allowed Him to open my eyes so fully to see the abundance in my life despite the lack of funds then I have to share the wonder. Finding contentment in what He provides brings Him great joy. My Lord is pleased when He can see the pleasure boil over in my heart, spilling warmth all around me.

I love the smell of home cooking and the warmth of a cozy footies on my feet. I love having work to keep my mind alert and hobbies that make me smile. I am overjoyed with my Lord today. He loves me and on days like today I can see His love fully active in my life. And in these moments I am reminded His grace is enough for me. He does provide all I ever need. Even in times of draught, He works in me to adjust my needs to His ways. He is always present in my life and He can bring me through any darkness.

My blessings are to be counted and my ability to see His work in my life is the grace He provides. Joy in the everyday is the wondrous ways my Father often sees to my needs and I am humbled and content in Him. While the chicken stock cooks down and the beans continue to simmer, I can see my Lord and share this time with Him. When He takes our lives and puts on the heat, cooking us down to what we really are and what we really need, He creates in us something truly unique, something that cannot be rushed or imitated. This life He has created for me could not have been rushed either, for too early and I would not have appreciated it as I do now and too late, I might have not been able to see it as clearly as I do today.

Yes His grace is enough and because I trust in that, He gives me so much more! Glory to Him for He gives me chicken broth that makes my house smell wonderful and my heart remember.

Honesty

2009-10-15T21:20:00.002-05:00

I walked out to the visit and faced the last person I ever expected to see or wanted to see in that time in my life. My father stood on the other side of double steel doors and glass, peering through no doubt waiting to see what he couldn't imagine, his daughter in yellows behind glass. Inside I wanted to refuse the visit, turn around and go back to my bunk. He had flown 800 miles at his own expense to come face to face with my reality. He came to check on my daughter and assist my son with all that was on his young shoulders, and finally to face me and say all the things we'd never said to one another. Outside he no doubt wanted the same, turn around and pretend this wasn't real. The unwavering truth was here. I was in jail and he was staring through the visitation view window in unbelief. Of course, I had no mirror, no make up, no flattering clothing; not even a hair brush. I can't imagine how I looked but I know it wasn't what he was used to seeing when he sat across from his daughter.

We slammed each other, first he with the information from sources outside then me with the other side of the life that had come unraveled. We flailed at one another. We ranted and raved. We told truths we'd never been willing to speak. We held nothing back.

Then as we sat back, worn out emotionally and spent, he said what I had waited my lifetime to hear, "You are my daughter, I will always love you no matter what."

In the end I know today that what brought out the words I'd waited to hear had more to do with our honesty in that moment than anything else and today as I approach my heavenly Father I also know that my honesty with Him always gets His full attention and outpouring of love. Nothing means more than the real heart showing through. In truth, honesty was never my strong suit so coming clean with my Dad was not high on my list. Learning that nothing is hidden from God is a freeing lesson that allows the life giving relationship full bloom. While I may have lived my life hidden behind a clouded veil from family, friends and community, my life was never unknown or cloudy to God. He not only watched my life but knew its twists and turns before He chose to create me and therefore each breath I take is part of His plan for me. Despite myself, He chose me to be one of His children whom He would always love!

Why we cannot believe that kind of love exists for us is a mystery but when God finally unveils that wondrous truth to us, nothing is more warm and inviting than His Fatherly embrace and love.

I have been gifted with two loving Fathers and that makes me double blessed. I am fully aware that not all are so fortunate but even in the stark reality of some lives, our Heavenly Father is there to make up the loss of our earthly parents or family. It is reassuring to know that despite ourselves, our secrets and dark moments He is there waiting and listening for our call. No matter who you are, where you live, how much or how little your family...there is an abundance of love that is our inheritance.

My honesty brought me the love I'd waited for and my continued honesty keeps that love close and growing. I would never have known any of this had I not been brought to my knees in honest tears and repentance but God knew in my own time I would have more love than I had ever known. I love my fathers. Honest.

A shake down

2009-10-06T16:10:00.005-05:00

I sat on my bunk, as I did most days, watching her across the aisle. She was playing a one deck, handheld game she called "jail solitaire". She had been here for 326 days "fighting her case" and she was accustomed to being "bunked up." Everything about jail was familiar to her as she was rounding out almost a year of time. She flipped the cards three by three from front to back, sitting indian style on her lower bunk without a care to the chaos the guards were inflicting.

Down the way, on the first set of bunks I listened to the squeals and cursing of inmates as guards did their shake down. Mattresses were overturned and flung to the floor. Property boxes were dumped out on the steel bunk. Boxes of letters, cards and paperwork; once folded neatly were scattered about to be gathered later once the guard gave permission. They were searching for something. I could hear the chaos, the anger steaming up from the floor and billowing under the cut out walls that separated one aisle from another. As the guards made their way down the aisle and came to the head of the next, women filed out into the main walkway to wait.

Sam* sat quietly, playing her cards without a care. She hummed to herself, flipping card after card with an orchestrated purpose. I watched her, then looked at the women in the walkway, slapping their legs or throwing fists in the air as something was upended or thrown into the trash sack drug along behind a guard.

Shake downs happened about once a week. Sometimes because something was heard. Sometimes because of a snitch. Sometimes I think the guards just needed something to do. No matter, they always brought a tense mood, disgruntled inmates and self righteous guards in the end. This was homemade chaos for the purpose of chaos and generally produced very little. Oh perhaps a label wrapped stick pen made stronger and thus easier to write with because of the added stiffness; maybe a commissary sheet, its heavy paper cut out to be a stencil for card making. Seldom anything of any real significance. Contrived "cases" created for paperwork and busyness and to make a guard look alert and on top of her pod.

Always it instilled a feeling of "us against them". The inmate against guard. The system against the criminal. It reminded us that our lives were theirs and not ours. We had involuntarily given ourselves over to a group of people who unlike us had been caught in their indiscretions and were now paying an earthly price. We were no longer children of God but groups of people divided by attitudes and actions and bars. And it was in this involuntary state of inmate status that I grew to know the Lord and understand voluntary submission and service to Him. The State may have garnered my involuntary submission and because of this they received in return an involuntary cooperation. I did not seek them out and I did not always fall into alignment with their rules and agendas.

But through this involuntary submission I learned a great deal about the value of voluntary submission. I learned about the value of the gift of choice that God has granted each of us. In His plan for our lives He willingly stepped aside so that our relationship to Him could be one of choice. Whatever involvement we would have with Him would be because we chose to voluntarily submit to His ways and His love and in return receive His gift of salvation. Therefore, submission becomes a two way street of choice and redemption.

God forced nothing upon me. His agenda was based on His love for me. His justice perfect. His correction without flaws. His gift all I ever needed. While He might conduct a "shake down" in my life as I submit more fully to Him each day, I do not cringe as He throws things out for His purpose in doing so is not for His entertainment but for my safety and security in my future with Him. There is no chaos or randomness in His ways. There is no arrogance or haughtiness. He needs none. But rather, as I voluntarily place myself in His care, I am privileged to learn from my maker, the wonders of life and the wonders of His love.

He tosses my property box, clears my mattress and leaves for me the comfort of His arms tonight. And that makes for a very balanced relationship indeed.

Mindless pursuits

2009-10-01T16:09:00.004-05:00

Sometimes its easy to live a mindless life with daily schedules, grueling work hours and to do lists that never end. We focus on the here and now. We check things off our list and move on to the next task. We drive to work and suddenly wonder about the highway we didn't see the whole way there. We eat dinner and by bedtime can't remember what we had. We click through tv stations and land on something that doesn't tax our brains or force us to reason. We lay down knowing tomorrow we will rise, start the day and the same mindless things will occupy our time.

I feel that way sometimes. I stare at paperwork, check off a list of must dos and can dos and will dos. I notice the clock and hours have passed. Sometimes Mark will ask me "what did you do today?" and I wonder, not really fast with an answer. I know I was busy.

I'm reading a letter from Kissy and she is anxious and excited about her upcoming release.

I remember the days counting down to my release; the plans, the thoughts of tomorrow, the arrangements to be made and the lists that have to be checked off. Yet, on my release day all I could do was sit in a sort of half daze. I walked out of the jail and the town I knew so well looked different. The evening sky was blue and clear. I hadn't seen the sky in months. Sitting in the van on the way to Joy's house I was on the phone with my Dad, leisurely talking and not rushed to get through a $5.00 a minute call. I watched familiar streets pass by my window. I took repeated deep breaths as we drove toward her house. In my haze I knew there would be no 4:30 meds call and no chow call at 5:30, I could sleep undisturbed and wake when my body had stored up some rest. I took in everything around me and it was a cloudy, sort of dream like movie in slow motion. I was fully in the moment and fully aware of the grace He had shown me through six months out of the world. I wanted this day to last forever as I just looked at everything as though I was seeing it for the first time.

The next morning we woke by 8 am in order to get to the courthouse and Megan's court date in hopes of assisting with her release. We were busy with preparing bibles for the delivery to the jail that afternoon and Joy still had several women to see before the day was done so I went into court so Megan could see a familiar face in the stranger crowd of the small court room. It wasn't long before my days of laying on my bunk, slowly reading scripture and spending hours in prayer were replaced again with lists, and to dos and schedules and tasks.

I hear Kissy's excitement and I know her desire to return to something normal and I wonder. I wonder if God intended us to rush through our days and spend so little time in prayer and attend to so many mindless tasks that we forget to pray or read or spend time alone with Him.

We are returned to a tv full of sights and sounds and temptations. We are returned to busyness for busyness sake. We quickly become wrapped up in life and plans and lists that it becomes a Sunday of Him and a week of us and it stirs my heart to know He intended we have something so much more. He created us to walk with Him in gardens and fix our minds on what is just and true and right.

It's 5:10 PM and I watch the clock turn minute by minute, frantically trying to finish this post before rushing out the door yet I rejoice. I am headed to bible study; a wonderful study with other women in my church and my busyness is the business of Him. I drive with purpose and thought. I fix my mind on what is just and true and right. I fix my thoughts on Him.

I have luxury in my life as I can schedule my days and monitor where my mind is taken. I am not wrapped up in the business of the world but can take moments when I need to in order to remember that our lives are not mindless ticking of time clocks but rather orchestrated destinies that He has given us and I walk calmly through my day, no matter how busy knowing it is always within my grasp to look at Him and talk with Him and share Him with others. That is luxury indeed.

I too have the mindless pursuits in my life; but because God is a grace filled and merciful God, He allows us to return to Him whenever we need, want or desire Him. He let's our minds drift and gives us the gift of choice to return to His pursuits. Some days are better than others but in those moments when our minds drift to places we often go, I think I'll be more mindful to fill my head with Him and if I travel down the highway and forget where I am, at least I'll be with Him and not some list somewhere.

He is my mindful pursuit.

Isaiah 62:2

2009-09-28T11:41:00.003-05:00

"...And you will be given a new name,
by the Lord's own mouth..."

Mark and I have done alot of praying and talking and dreaming and listening. I've talked to others in the community whom I've come to know well, other ministries and people that I believe could help me focus more clear on our path.

Sometimes walking in God's will means staying the course. Sometimes it means veering off the course you set and listening to a still small voice inside. This time it meant listening to others and watching Him begin the new work.

Mark and I have left FFSM and have created a new ministry; one that we hope glorifies God and works for the good of His chosen.

Spirit House Ministries was born last week and already we see His grace on what we want to do!

We've received our first contribution from community members; $500 to help create the legal entity and the IRS paperwork. This gesture alone makes us know we are headed in the right direction. These are not spendthrifts that throw their money around; they are savvy business men and women who give careful thought to whom they give and for what purposes.

We feel blessed and validated.

But even more important than this gesture of confidence was the gift we received from a group of male inmates at the Jester III unit this weekend.

Seven men, led by a man whom Mark and I have corresponded with and ministered to for over a year now sent us 60 US postage stamps out of their own personal commissary! They tithed to us! Several of the men involved wrote us notes and letters expressing their desire to support our efforts and to encourage us to continue helping their sisters in Christ. They reached into their own coffers, limited as they are and blessed us with their wealth. Each stamp represents a woman's name called at mail call, each stamp represents a sister in white who is seeking and loving the Lord.

This was no small gesture. Sure to the outside it is only $26.40 but it was all they had. So I wonder of all us out here who have $26.40, what are we willing to give up in order to reach out. Mark and I look at our pocketbooks and often decide against a dinner out to buy stamps or envelopes or printer ink. But tonight, while I'm mixing up some hamburger helper and wishing it was t-bone steak, I'll remember I could give the hamburger up too in order that a life be shared.

As I stare at those stamps on my desk, I am humbled. Living outside their walls, surely it is easier for me to do for these women, easier than what these men were willing to do and did!

So to Frank, Dale, Lee, Homero, Anselmo, Dave and Miguel - thank you for reminding me what it means to give and how giving should be with a joyful heart no matter its amount!

Panty hose and UPS

2009-09-21T14:50:00.000-05:00

I'm not having a good day. Dishes are piled in the sink and the dishwasher is full and needing unloading. The health insurance company at Mark's work claims not have to received our marriage license to begin my coverage. The bed isn't made. The bathroom tub won't drain. I'm just not having a great day and I don't like this unsettled feeling that I haven't felt in many months.

It seems to be settling in on me like a slow moving fog; hanging around and changing how fast I can move or in what direction. It seems to slow me down in all areas of my life, I can't seem to just shake it off. I don't like it.

I've been staring at my bible study lessons that I need to finish for Thursday's class at church. I can't concentrate. I have five letters that need a response. I've nothing to say. I have to call UPS about a bill we should not have received and I need to put on my learner hat in order to attend ministry school tonight. Immobility is not an option and yet here I am feeling stuck in this chair, stuck in this place of no movement and I keep telling God how much I need that energy He was providing just a week ago....where are you!

I have a lot of work to do and I know much of it stems from the changes happening in the ministry and the call that Mark and I have been in prayer about. We know God is calling us to a level of service we've never experienced and though we feel ready and are excited, the details that have to happen to move forward are in a stalled mode waiting for decisions by others. This indecision mode leaves me feeling like the proverbial duck out of water. My little webbed feet take slow, awkward steps. I was built more for smooth swimming than trodding slowly along.

I just fought with the scanner/copier for over an hour to get our marriage license scanned and emailed off to Mark. That is the sum total of my accomplishments today and it's already 3PM. I have class at 6:30 and have yet to curl my hair or decide on appropriate clothes. As I type this I wonder if anyone cares if I'm struggling today.

Then I remember.

God cares.

He cares about my bad hair days and He cares about my losses. He cares if I am happy or sad or angry or serene. We heard Joyce Meyer speak about how she learned to even turn her panty hose over to the care of God and I realize she's right. The scanner can become cooperative with God's help. The insurance company can find documents and UPS can reverse an unjust bill with His direction.

God cares about the frustrations in my day and over and over He has proven that to me. I tried to start the day without Him. I need to go back to bed, pull my bible on my lap and have a chat. Then I'll start my day over, this time with God by my side.

I think it's going to be a pretty awesome day!

Purpose

2009-09-18T05:05:00.001-05:00

I'm told that God often talks to us in our sleep. On nights like tonight I realize sometimes He keeps us awake for that chat. It's 5 AM and I have not been able to lay my head on my pillow. I am reminded of the women we serve who are not given pillows in prison, their hard steel bunks and thin hard mattresses with one sheet and one covering. My soft, warm bed is in the other room but God has me here, in front of my computer, talking to me.

He is reminding me of the blessing of my home, my health, my new friends, my work, my church. He has me looking around at the work piling up on my desk and the forms and letters that have needed attention for a while now. He nudges me. I pace my work and tackle today's problems today and tomorrow's problems tomorrow. I often tell Mark, "It'll all be here tomorrow to do, and new tasks besides. We can only do so much in a day."

Then I think of Lorainne and Raena and Patches. They describe their days beginning at 4:30 AM and going until lights out. They are assigned jobs; some day jobs, some night jobs. They have classes and chow and laundry and meds and a regimented schedule not left to their discretion. They are lined up and marched out. They are lined up and marched back in. Some spend hot days in the Texas sun hoeing fields and pulling up rocks for no apparent reason. Some are given jobs in the laundry room or chow hall. Some are given jobs in the boiler room and others are given desk jobs. There is little rest, little time for reading or writing their family. They manage quick letters in and out. The purpose in their lives directed by prison guards.

And I recall my days in county jail, where we were awakened at 4:30 AM, fed and let go back to sleep til chow call at 11AM. One generally tried to sleep again after basically killing time until chow at 4:30 again. Med calls in between but otherwise you were either on your bunk or at a dayroom table trying to watch a tv you could not hear. You were lined up at the cell door for chow and meds; cattle rustled up and back into the corral. No tasks, no classes, no real reason to be awake. Many women chose to be seen by medical so they could be given Seroquil or other mood stabilizers which allowed them to sleep 16 hours in a day. I remember those days of purposelessness.

But God has a purpose for each of us. In the night or day He reveals to each of us our direction in order to walk in His will for our lives. "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago." (Eph. 2:16) Tonight, with no one prodding my schedule and no one directing my tasks I am alone to listen to Him. He chose to keep me awake in order to focus my attention and call me to task.

I'm listening God.

God is good

2009-09-16T20:45:00.000-05:00

Mark and I have been struggling this week with some major decisions. I've been in tears and he's been in quiet reflection and we've both been bent in prayer, separately and together to seek the Lord's guidance. Again today I am amazed (and I find myself using that word so much but my vocabulary fails me for another) how quickly He is to respond to us.

As I began this blog Mark has encouraged me to begin writing or rather finish writing the manuscript from which this blog was birthed; I being the consummate procrastinator and working best under deadline or pressure have been putting this off. I talked to others about it and even tried to run some basic ideas by a trusted clergy and was quickly shut down so I really questioned whether I was wasting my time or in the real presence of the Lord on this. Yet the Lord was tugging at us that He had new things in store for us and the ministry we dreamed of seeing come to fruition needed new life and new vision. We spent so much of our time marketing and building community awareness of the ministry that the business of the ministry took over the ministry itself so we were anxious to hear what God truly has in mind.

Today I received my answer, and Mark his validation. Out of a desperate plea for guidance I wrote another gentleman who has stepped out in faith with his wife to begin their life in ministry with literally no means of support and no certain vision but a call on their hearts. I emailed him late last night and thought little of it. To my surprise, God has His own special way of using our errant actions for His purpose and I received a call from Jim, much to my surprise!

We talked as though we had been lifelong friends and he shared with me his wisdom as a faithful believer and his experience in his ministry both here and abroad. He encouraged me as a new believer and as a child of God. A stranger, all the way down in Florida, reached through the phone and took hold of my hand and relayed a message from God that he could not have otherwise understood.

God uses us all to touch the hearts, encourage the spirit and calm the souls of each other wherever they are. He is an amazing God that takes a simple email and turns it into a new friendship. He releases us from bondages we had no way of seeing and delivering us from directions that are not our path.

I called my friend, Elizabeth tonight and just hearing her voice and her warmth and understanding reminded me that Mark and I have friends that are our family and we are never alone because God's family is so large and so close no matter the distance of their address.

I'm waiting for Mark to get home and for Elizabeth to call back once her business dinner meeting is over. I wait to share the Lord's grace in our lives again and I am ready to take on the tasks He and only He directs me to do. It is so trite sometimes to hear but I cannot help it, God is good, ALL the time.

Phillippians 4:13

2009-09-15T14:32:00.000-05:00

Saturday morning was one of those days I could have stayed in bed all day with a good book and a large cold soda by my side. The rain pelted down, steady and cool leaving everything outside bathed in a crispy cleanness. It was delicious. But I had made a promise in my heart, therefore a promise to God that I would visit at least one of the women in Gatesville and so I pulled myself out of the warm blankets, off the pile of perfectly molded pillows to dress and head north.

My first priority was my dear friend Patches who served time with me in County jail so we had a long history. She saw me in my early days in Q pod and watched my torment first hand. She saw my heart bleed and soul cry out and tried to reach out to me even when I would have none of it.

I was worried about getting in to see her though because she had mistakenly listed me under my married name even though I cannot assume that name legally at this point in my probation so I knew there might be hitch to getting in for this visit. But I headed out armed with God and my marriage license and the names and TDC numbers of two other women just in case. And of course, if all else failed, I could go see our "favorite" as she refers to herself, Raena.

When I got there, prayed up on the trip, the Sargeant on duty carefully considered my documents and not only allowed the visit but had the desk guard change my information to that which was correct so I would have easy access in the future. The grace of God was all over the morning.

Patches, wiping the sleep from her eyes, looked tired and frail. She is thin, too thin. Her eyes are dull with pain and weariness. She is glad to see me but cannot muster the energy really to start talking and says, "Just tell me everything going on with you." We haven't see each other in over a year as she fled our housing and ultimately was led to a life on the streets and then back in jail where I find her now.

She needed to talk and I needed to see her. She is tormented by her marriage and a husband who has failed her as badly as she has failed herself. She is fearful of her future despite her deep belief that God is good. She still suffers from the ravages of a past that tells her she is not worthy. We shared two fast hours of fellowship and prayer and tears and praise reports. The Lord was clearly in us and with us though as we left with unfinished stories and things to talk about. I am reminded I must today sit down and write her but it was a blessing of a visit and as always I came home energized knowing that what we attempt to accomplish, we can in Christ, always in Him and He burdens our hearts so we continue

My next visit was hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I had taken two other women's names with me but with time for only one more visit, how do I choose? I pondered who for only a minute and chose the woman I was pretty sure had few to visit her and headed toward the Hilltop Unit. The rain continued to come down but my spirits were not dampened even as I stood outside the trusty gate and awaited entrance. Both my hair and the little blue entrance sheet were tattered by the time the guard pat searched and wanded me but I never the less was to finally sit across from Lorainne.

I had never met her.

I had written Lorainne for over two years now, exchanging letters and hopes and dreams. Lamenting our pasts and hoping in our futures in the Lord. She is a joyously victorious woman in Christ and my sister. That's what she calls me, her sister in Christ and refers to Mark as her brother in law in Christ. I know her to be energetic and vibrant and spirit filled. Her letters always make me feel special, make me laugh and make me think. I've enjoyed talking with her even when I haven't been in touch enough!

But to my surprise as I sat in that room awaiting her arrival, down sat an African American girl with soft brown eyes who will turn 42 but looked about 20, a wide grin and giggle. In all this time I had never pictured Lorainne as black but what a delight to see her smile at me as she realized my surprise! What sisters we are, my pale red head complexion against her warm brown skin as we hold hands across the table and say our very first hellos. She is quick to spill forth a praise report. Her 91 year old father's visit from Oklahoma as he said the very words she'd waited her lifetime to hear, "I don't care what you have done, I'm behind you 100% and I love you." Her medical review telling her that her HIV was "undetectable" and she smiled as she said "They don't know why but I do!" She had received her GED just last month, finally I had written after several months of silence and then bam, here I was to delight her day as she said. We spent a quick hour and a half talking about her plans, her hopes for parole in 2010 and her many blessings, we shared our busy days and our obstacles and our frustrations as though we were co workers in some office somewhere and not surrounded by gnarly guards and guns. We shared conversations and sodas and chips as though we were sitting in my living room and the time passed far too fast. Before we parted she asked twice when she would see me next. Laughing she asked if it would take another year and I assured her no!

As I walked to my car I heard my name and turned to see her waving as she walked back to her dorm. The sun hadn't quite come out but the rain had stopped and I unlocked my car to wonder at the grace of God; the visits He orchestrated today and the freedom in which I entered my car to leave, knowing it could have been me behind these barbed wire fences.

Grace, God's beautiful and restful grace was present in my life and in my heart. And again, He found a way to minister to my spirit while I attempted to minister to others, I am reminded how little I can do without Him. Then I am reminded "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil. 4:13)

Be still

2009-09-11T15:07:00.000-05:00

I received a letter today from a woman whom I've written for over two years now. It was a short one page letter and I've stared at the screen for quite a while trying to come up with words to respond to her. I'm speechless. My heart is aching but my mind is numb.

She is scheduled to be released in a few short days and she has no where to go. I cannot get a letter to her in time so I can at least pick her up and the Chaplain will not return our calls. Our housing is full to capacity and my heart is in my throat as I watch another woman being released with a bus ticket and a $50 check. She has no clothes, no place to lay down her first night and she is to make it in the world with no one beside her. I don't know if she has found a halfway house yet. Her letter says, "I should be released this month. It's my target month. I have completed everything they told me to. I haven't heard anything since I got my answer in November. I have no one to call and find out. It doesn't matter at this point. Things will be the same - bumming, pathetic and alone. Some things never change."

She is defeated. She is facing a life she doesn't want to return to and yet, her solutions look no different than her life four years before.

"Where are you God?" I ask as I rack my brain for a solution. I'm overwrought and without power. I am helpless. She is helpless. I have tried for two years to be light and salt in the world and I am reduced to feeling as though my hollow words were just that in her life. As I read her letter I am defeated. I feel sad and worry takes over.

Then I know there is little I can do but let God take over. Psalms 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth." (NIV) The NAS version says "Cease striving and know that I am God..." and the GWT says it this way, "Let go [of your concerns]! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth."

I am still.

Tonight I can lift this woman up in prayer and I can reflect back on my own dark days in county when I knew all that faced me was a Salvation Army shelter and hard days walking the streets. When God didn't walk with me and I didn't know Him my thoughts were dark. When life had little to offer and I was helpless alone I could not hear Him.

And yet I know this precious child of God, defeated now, can be delivered and in her deliverance God can be glorified.

Monday will be a crazy day I'm sure as I begin calling again and working the solutions God rests on my heart to pursue but for now....I need be still, to hear His voice.

When choices hurt

2009-09-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

I sat next to Hannah*, sharing a moment of quiet as she read my bible and I looked at pictures from another table mate. I was inside the Halbert Unit in Burnet, TX with Mike Barber Ministries as a counselor; an opportunity to take in the Word of God to more women serving time in our Texas prisons. These women, all serving for a drug related offense were in a Substance Abuse Felony Prison for 6-9 months. They shared a common history with one another; it was amazing the common history we shared as well.

Hannah had asked if she could read my bible, so I slid it across to her as I was handed pictures from another inmate. As I sat sharing the pictures with another woman, smiling as she showed off her parrot, her cat, the trailer house her mother lived in where she would return once released and the flowers out front she had planted last Spring, I heard a gasp from Hannah. She quickly slide the Bible away from herself and said, "What is that doing in there?"

My bible, the one I was given during my tenure at County Jail, was a Students Life Application Bible and contained small boxes called "life application notes" and in bold orange letters were written the word "abortion". They seemed to float off the page and bounce between us, taunting Hannah and lingering there without excuse.

"Well," I said, "Let's take a look at what it says."

Hannah was unwilling to take the Bible back in her hands. I knew in a moment she felt convicted, the shame seemed to wash over her face like a tidal wave; salty and warm but not comforting at all. Overpowering. As though she would be washed out to sea and forgotten.

"Why is it in there? Why was that the first page that opened?" I suddenly realized she felt a mystical voice was trying to reach out from the pages and condemn her.

"My guess is it opened easily to that page because I spent so much time there myself."

She slumped back in her chair and just looked at me.

Together we read Psalms 139:13-16 and she stared at the words "beautifully and wonderfully made".

"This is what makes me know God doesn't love me. I killed my baby. I hurt something He made. I had an abortion and things have been bad ever since."

"Do you really think God condemned you of this, Hannah?" She nodded her head, her small braids bobbing on her head in agreement, her eyes wide with fear. If there were any time that I truly have felt the Holy Spirit take over my words I think it was in this moment and I knew there was a reason, God's orchestration, that I sat at this table.

"Hannah, have you asked God to forgive you?" Again she bobbed her head yes. "Then surely as we can stand on His word, it is done. He has forgiven you and forgotten that sin; it is said your sins are as far from you as the east is to the west."

She listened as the words continued to pour forth. "Just as I have asked God to forgive me for my abortion some 30 years ago, and just as surely as you have, He, in His glorious wonder has forgiven us. Believing in our own salvation and forgiveness in His eyes is the very foundation of our faith, isn't it?" She blinked and flashed a small half grin at me. "I know He forgives you and I know He forgives me. I am so grateful for that!"

She shook her head now not taking her eyes from the Bible laying between us.

"I know God forgives," she said.

"Then when will you forgive yourself Hannah?"

Sometimes quiet is a comfort and in this moment Hannah was taking in the quiet comfort of what God wanted her to know. He knew she struggled so with an old decision He had already handled and He let us just sit with His forgiving grace in fellowship with one another.

"That's it, isn't it? It's all me. I'm the one condemning me now. I'm the one hurting myself because I hurt my baby. He's...He's not mad at me anymore." We smiled at one another and the dinner sound was called. I rose from the table to walk out with my other counselors so the inmates could be lined in the hall. "You'll come back and talk to me, won't you?"

"Of course," I smiled and walked off, so amazed at how God can take over a conversation and handle what I am ill-equipped to do.

Hannah and I spent the rest of the weekend together, talking and enjoying one anothers company. We had women join us as we talked and talked. They would see our lively and constant conversation and want to be a part of it. All the while God was gently working with Hannah on past choices and she was learning to give even those hurtful choices to God to fix for her. She was letting go of guilt and shame and torment so God could weave His love in her heart and I knew, no matter how her life had gone God was letting her know He forgave her and she was worthy of His love.

I've thought about Hannah often since that day in the dayroom of the Halbert Unit. I've had many opportunities to reflect on my choices and the choices we watch the women make as they walk out the doors of their prison. Some repeat the old choices and find the same results at the end; others make new choices that seem so uncomfortable at first but somehow don't seem to land them back in bad circumstances. But God put a new lesson on my heart that day, even the most hurtful choices I've made, God had a solution for them. He would fix what I had muddled and do it in a way that could only scream His artistry at work. He would use my worst mistakes for His glory so everyone could see His powerful love.

I'm grateful I can rely on Him and the stronger I grow in faith, the more I can rely on His word to direct my new choices. He gives us ample direction in the Bible and in the life of Jesus. He helps us understand wise direction and destructive folly. He has provided us a blueprint for life if we will simly open our hearts to hear. Much of the pain we live through could have been avoided had we only sought His wisdom first but even when we don't, He is always there when we call His name. Ready to heal broken hearts, forgive sinners and raise us up to Him in Glory on the day He returns. Our futures are bright despite our best attemps otherwise because of His plans for us.

As for the past, I gave that to God.

Prayer matters

2009-09-09T11:11:00.000-05:00

Everyone asks about prayer. Am I praying right? Why aren't my prayers answered? Am I supposed to say something special? Should I be on my knees? Should I close my eyes? Does prayer work? Does prayer even matter?

I won't speak from a place of authority or all knowledge, heaven help me, I don't know what the right or perfect prayer might look or sound like but I do know prayer works. Even my stumble through the words, become speechless, big sigh prayers work so I know yours do too.

Oh I have as many stories as you do, about prayers that seemed to go unanswered. Prayers for healing and jobs and loneliness and relationships. I've prayed probably all the same prayers. I prayed as a Christian and as a non-believer (don't let anyone tell you that non-believers don't pray, I sure did just in case....) Some answers were crystal clear, other prayers seemed to fall on deaf ears. And I tried them all, on my knees, in a quiet room, with my eyes closed and with them open. I prayed while driving, cooking, watching a movie. I prayed for myself and I prayed for others.

And with all this praying I was constantly trying to figure out the right way.

As I knelt by my bed the night before I was arrested, I was down there praying that I not be arrested, that I get away with my crime and in that prayer I promised never to do what I had done ever again. Whew! I was safe, right?

Well on the other side of prayer is our Lord. He listens and He considers and in His perfect knowledge and justice and love He works in our life that which will do the most for us in His will for us. He cares for us in ways we generally don't understand or cannot see as was the case the night I prayed for His protection literally from myself! And then sometimes His care is all over a situation and cannot be denied as it was as I prayed for the care of my children and for a safe place to go after I was released.

Now as I look back on my life, and all the prayers I've said and all the promises I've made to God during my life I realize as a believer or non-believer He still cared for me and loved me so deeply. Even with my back turned from Him He still tried to reach me through His love and provision. The night on my knees He heard me. He knew what was best for me and He knew that He had the chance to work in my heart if I were to be stilled for just a short while. Looking back now I see all the ways He was constant and present in my life despite myself and I have to give the glory to Him!

Prayer is a complicated matter; it involves His will and plan for each of us, His timing which we seldom understand and so much more we cannot know. But prayer is also a simple matter involving a plea to our heavenly Father who listens and considers. It's a conversation of the heart. Its a time of Thanksgiving and gratitude. It's a time of worship and wonder. It can be a thought, an audible conversation, a song. Or it can be just a chat we have with the One who will and can do and is in constant control. It is most defintely a constant part of a life in Christ. And yes, prayer matters.

Dirty laundry

2009-09-08T11:31:00.000-05:00

I have boxes and boxes of old clothes out in the garage. My clothes. My kids old clothes. Boxes of them. I've kept them and moved them more times than I should admit. Mark is patient about them, he knows they are part of the letting go of the past part of my life that God is still working on with me.

God and I both know that as I move closer to Him I have less need of the past but still He allows me to cling on to some of the dirty laundry until I just don't need to anymore.

Some of it I can clean, renew, refresh and use again. But much of it has to be just tossed. Putting my new heart and body in old clothes of the past with remnants of a different life would be much like the pouring of new wine in old wine skins. God has transformed my life, my heart, the very essence of who I am; cleansed me anew. I need to respect that. Pouring myself back into old clothes that reflect a lifestyle not in tune with my walk with God today is becoming easier and easier.

I was out in the garage last night sorting through many of the clothes I used to wear, clothes that screamed for attention and perhaps were purchased only to provoke a glance. I came across a pair of shorts that I held up to Mark.

"Do you think if I can fit into these again, I should wear them?" I asked.

"Well, not outside anyway," my husband replied.

I tossed them in the trash along with many of the old reasons I would have purchased much of what is stored in those boxes.

The dirty laundry out in the garage, crammed in broken, worn out boxes, all represent a life past. Now I'm just working with God on getting the courage to quit sorting and just toss. Old wineskins shouldn't be given a chance to ruin new wine.

Holding on

2009-09-07T18:45:00.000-05:00

In writing this blog I find myself returning over and over to memories of my time behind bars. I was so lucky, I spent six short months in a county jail, not far from my home and familiar surroundings. I knew out there somewhere were my wordly possessions that my family had preserved for me in a storgae unit and someday, with God's help I would have a place to set up my bed, arrange my books and hang my clothes. It was a comfort to me. It gave me reason to hope and something of mine to look forward to someday.

Many of the women we work with have lost everything; and while I felt I had as well, the rock bottom losses many face are beyond what I think I might have been able to endure. When Mark and I married in the Spring of '08 I unloaded my entire two storage units to set up house. We had everything we needed; dishes, pots and pans, couches, chairs, desks, dressers. A complete house. I hung my unpacked wardrobe in my closet and stacked dishes in cabinets. Within a couple weeks we were moved in and settled.

But often I am asked to transfer a woman's "property" to her family or friends as she is moved to a prison facility away from county jail and the contrast in loss stops me short.

One woman asked that her "property" be mailed to her Mom. It consisted of a watch, a Wal-Mart gift card and a small silver ring. Her clothes weren't worth salvaging and I can only imagine the conditions she had been living in prior to her arrest if that was the best she had to wear. Another woman has her wordly goods packed in two large suitcases and one duffle bag; clothes mostly, a couple of books, a make up bag. Each time she is released from prison she sorts back through the bags and suitcases and starts over. It is what she owns and she is grateful to have "real clothes" to feel whole again.

I worried alot over my possessions while sitting in county jail. I argued with my Father about how long the storage units should be kept and why bother if he was just going to let it all be sold in a few months anyway. Those possessions meant the world to me and I couldn't see that God provided all I had, He would surely provide again someday. I wanted to hold on. As time has passed I find myself sorting and resorting much of what is still left in the garage. Mark is out there today rearranging all my wordly treasures but more and more I am able to let go of such things.

In my life I've seen God replace everything of value to me; my home is replaced with a quiet little place that Mark and I lay our heads. My children, though no longer at home, are still my best friends and they stay in close contact with me, their love evident each time we are together. My job and career path I had planned is a memory but the work I do today means so much more to both myself and the ones we serve. Family now gone from my life have been replaced by new brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. God has given me the resources for food, new clothes, new jewelry, sheets for my bed and all the things I thought were forever gone. God even sees to my comfort; new fluffy pillows, curtains for all the windows match and flutter in the breeze, a grapevine wreath hangs by my bedroom window just to look pretty.

Sometimes I dig through a box or look around to try to find something I knew I once owned and cannot find. Usually I find out it was thrown out during the packing of my life but always I see how God has replaced it with something new. He has not failed me and He does not fail any of His children. He also makes it easier and easier to see how little I need beyond Him.

I guess I should go help Mark continue cleaning out our garage, I just don't need so much stuff anymore.

It's a choice.

2009-09-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? How many times had I heard that in my life and wondered what the heck they were talking about? My son's Pastor asked me that and I remember all I could say was "I guess not." It seemed like such a magical question and all I could think was surely if I had, there was some amazing alarm bell in my heart that told me instantly that I was saved, I had faith, I knew God.

"Christians" walk around asking non-believers as they called us, this question over and over. They want us to make this proclamation but it doesn't make sense to me. I don't know what it means? How could I "accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior" when nothing religious or spiritual or magical had happened to me? I must be someone condemned because I didn't have this magical something inside that told me I had, or should, or could?

Sitting in Q pod, watching the "Christians" sit down and talk with the visiting clergy, I wondered as I often had in my life how they came to believe what they did and what must it feel like to have or be a part of that special group that I could not join. As a child, I was not part of a church or religion. More than once I can remember someone asking "well what are you?" and I didn't have an answer. This made me feel left out. "We don't go to church," was always my answer but I knew people thought less of me because of this. So watching this division play out, even here in jail was strange. Heck, we were all guilty of a crime or indiscretion which pretty much leveled the playing field. Yet again I was not part of the bible study groups or the clergy visit groups or the groups of women that gathered around to read their bibles and gossip. I was an outsider.

So what did it mean to "accept Jesus Christ" and "be a Christian"? Pastor Joy listened to my comments and questions, my objections to "church" and why I could never bring myself to this point of faith that others had. And she reduced it to a statement that finally made sense.

"It's a decision, it's simply a choice and it's your choice."

I walked around with this for a long time. I watched a girl named Chelsea open her bible, sitting on her top bunk and read it for a few minutes and put it down.

"Do you believe everything that's in there and do you understand it?" I asked.

"Yes and no, I think. When I read it, I see things that don't make sense start to make sense and I feel okay with the things in the world that don't make sense, not making sense. But it makes me feel good and okay with my life no matter what when I read it, so maybe whether I understand it or not doesn't matter. Somehow it just helps me."

I'm not sure that helped alot but at least I saw a "Christian" who wasn't sure what they had and confessed sometimes it didn't make sense to them even if they did feel it worked for them.

I learned when I was in 1st grade that 1 plus 1 equals 2 and I believed that. I've operated with that truth ever since. At the time, I didn't question it, I just believed what I was told. The obstacle to faith as an adult was I had never been told what the truth was. So it became harder and harder for me to accept something based on faith without proof. How was I to go from firm non-believer to seeking with all my heart and all my soul and all my mind? Jesus tells us that if we will bring the faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains. Moving me from non-believer to Christian was just such a mountain, so I decided to bring the faith of a mustard seed and see what would happen. Here's what I found:

One can decide to believe the world is flat or the world is round. If we decide the world is flat and ends at the horizon, then our world and our potential are limited by that reality. We stay operating with that belief system and our power to go beyond what we can see limits us. However, if we decide the world is round, that the horizon is never ending then our world and our potential in that world become never ending. We become powerful because our potential and our options and our choices become never ending. So it is with a faith in Jesus Christ.

I decided that I would simply accept that Jesus Christ was God, my God and let Him be ruler of my life. This took my world from a flat, limited space to a never ending potential ; broad and wide and full of wonder. Did something magical happen? Well yes, I guess it did. All the limits that the world would impose on me I could now turn over to Jesus Christ. He would define what my limits were and He would decide how small my word would be. Only He would define my horizon. Amazingly, and yes, He continues to amaze me every day, the God of the Bible, the one that parts the sea and raises the dead never fails to show me His limitless power and sovereignty. And that is magical indeed.

Jail Mail

2009-09-04T09:33:00.000-05:00

Mark leaves for work around noon. The house becomes quiet; leaving me with the whir of the air conditioner and an occasional car passing by our house. I stare at stacks of letters from women in prison; ones asking for our "orange" bible and others whom correspond with me regularly. They are the women I refer to as my "jail mail". I love their letters. They inspire me, keep me focused on God and remind me of where I came. Mostly though they are my friends, long distance, that I get to know word by word and letter by letter. I get to unwrap their uniqueness with each new post to me. It's like a gift. When God sends a new gift my way, I rip open the package (the envelope) and devour it and anxiously sit down to respond. Then I wait by the mail box for their return!

When I sat in WILCO all those six months I think I can count on two hands the number of letters I received from family and friends. I didn't sit up during mail call because my name was seldom called. After a while you just accept that your family is letting you fall as low as you must, you don't wait for their encouragement because it is not forthcoming. Women walk around the pod sharing letters and pictures and cards. They smile and laugh and cry as they read their gifts from the outside. I sit on my bunk, aware of the aloneness. I make excuses why my children aren't writing. I remind anyone who asks that my family have turned their backs on me. My lack of letters is a measure of my aloneness. It's part of my punishment.

As women are released they promise to write. They never do. As they pull chain* others promise to write them once they are released, they won't forget. They always do.

I got out and made those same promises but God put something on my heart that said I could not let these women down. After about a month outside, I got on the computer, looked up the status of the women I made promises to, found them at their TDC sites and wrote to them. Some wrote back. Others did not. Others wrote back months later thanking me for not forgetting them. Each one said they could not believe I remembered. I knew how much jail mail meant and I wanted to honor my promise.

God honors His promise to us each morning as we wake. He honors His promise each time we find a nugget of gratitude in our hearts for He puts that nugget there so we can feel His love. Through me, God shows His love letter by letter that no one is forgotten.

Jail mail is more than a letter to a friend, it is a letter from God. As I write each letter I ask God to write the words He would have that woman hear and I hope I follow His direction. And in each letter God reveals a new lesson or truth to me. It is a gift exchange of sorts; from woman to woman sent by God.

I love my jail mail. God talks to me and He talks to them as I write. Sometimes I think it's the most important part of my job.

*"Pull chain" is the jailhouse term used to describe the transfer from one facility to another within the jail or prison system.

Jeffrey

2009-09-03T11:22:00.001-05:00

Jeffrey is the local jailhouse ghost. The legend says he was an inmate convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison. That night, after court, he hung himself from his cell (having been in those cells, I've never quite figured out how but that's probably another story.) You can't spend time in Williamson County Jail and not hear about Jeffrey. Guards and inmates alike claim to have seen him walking the corridors of the jail; both old and new. It's said he turns on sinks and showers, flushes toilets and rummages through property boxes. They say he's a slow moving shadow of darkness that lurks late at night looking in at those sleeping in their bunks.

I never saw Jeffrey but I did see the darkness that lurks in the corners of the jail and courthouse. I saw men and women; on both sides of the bars ruled and manipulated by the spiritual warfare that is a very real part of this world. I saw injustice masked as justice and power wielded by those that had no discernment. I saw drugs and alcohol rip apart lives and families and careers and even walks in faith. I saw greed and anger drive decisions rather than love. I saw Satan hard at work; be he called the devil or Jeffrey I saw spirits and demons in human form take hold of good people and turn temptation into action and action into darkness.

With such iconic phrases as "the devil made me do it" and "could it be satan?" one might be quick to dismiss the very real presence of dark forces and spirits among us but the Bible isn't shy about talking about them and neither should we be as Christians walking in this very real world.

Spiritual warfare may be the temptations that cause us to stumble, the obstacles that stand in our way of victory, the people who hurt us or the actions we take. It is that contrary thought that takes us from focusing on Him to focusing on the world. It is anything that has us question our walk with our Lord.

Jesus knew all about temptation and it is recorded so we might know its reality today.

Jesus was tempted with wealth, power, even food. He was asked to test God and worship false idols but with the power of the Holy Spirit, having been baptized in the Spirit Jesus was triumphant and walked away to begin His ministry. And it is with the power of the Holy Spirit He ministered to the needs of many, cast out demons, claimed victory over storms, calmed the seas, healed the sick and raised the dead. And it is this Holy Spirit He sent to us as our Helper.

In our ministry we are often called to walk with a woman who is tormented by demons creating temptation and urgings in her life. She may walk fully in the flesh and put value only on what she can see; not relying on God or believing in the devil who works to pull her far from her Lord and Savior.

Darkness may walk the halls of the jails and prisons of our world but we need not give in to that darkness; whether it is called Satan or Jeffrey, we each have the power to overcome and live free and victorious lives in Christ. Mark and I have embarked on a study of the Holy Spirit, this third person of the trinity and in this study we are learning much about the power available to us today through Him.

But first we are dealing with dismissed charges and a parole revocation with a new client but an old friend. Should be a big day. I wonder if this client remembers the trick I played on her about Jeffrey while we were housed in C12? Perhaps I wasn't walking so victoriously back then.

Forgiveness

2009-09-02T12:03:00.000-05:00

I was convicted of theft; credit card abuse. On a grand scale this meant I stole someone's credit card and used it. On a personal level it meant I was in jail and my family was devastated and my children were left to fend for themselves and my mother was alone in her apartment crying and I was alone in a holding tank waiting to become part of "general population".

The courts needn't do anything. I was doing a fine job of banishing myself to the dark recesses of hell. I would never, ever forgive myself for what I had done to a stranger, my family, my children, and myself. Never!

Flash forward. One of our client's is released from prison and finds her bank account and food stamp account cleaned out. She calls us. Both Joy and I. How did this happen? Her billfold was missing from her purse. Every dime from her account was gone. We had possession of her clothes and purse for months.

The Sheriff called me. Did I use her card? (Of course they thought I did.) Am I sure I never used her card? Where did I live? How tall was I? Date of birth? Height? Eye color? Standard questions ma'am. Now I'm dealing with a client who has accused me of a crime I had nothing to do with, business partners angry because I am being accused and me, hearing a small voice that says "you still have to minister to this woman," and knowing I was hearing God.

Flash back to jail; a visit from my son, tears streaming down his face as he says "Next time Mom, just buy us a card, we'll understand. You didn't have to do this." He understood and forgave me even while his heart was breaking. A letter from my daughter, "It's just like you have always told me Mom, I may not like what you did but I will always love you." She listened to all I had tried to teach her and came out loving me as I taught her to do even as she was pulled from her home and transplanted far away.

I was slowly learning that God forgives. Even if I didn't. Even if the world didn't. His word says so. My heart tells me it's true.

This week I head into Austin with Joy to visit this client. She is angry and sure I was the one to blame. Now she tells Joy she never meant to implicate either of us. She needs us again. She accused me of stealing from her and despite all she had done, she "didn't steal from nobody ever," so how could this happen to her? What did I have to say about this? Now again I'm called by God to show her comfort and love despite the precarious position with local authorities her call and accusation put me in for a few moments anyway.

Mark is angry. He's my champion and not ready to let bygones be bygones. He reminds me that she played with my freedom and my life and the ministry when she accused me. He reminds me that a transformed person might give someone the benefit of the doubt and he's right. He reminds me the fear and tears I lived in those first few hours of her accusations.

I had been advocating for her from the moment she was re-arrested. I had advocated that we continue to write to her even though she had used drugs in the ministry home and had tried to outsmart our drug test. I advocated that we send her money on her commissary books in prison. I advocated for her even though all evidence was she had used our services and tried to con us. But I remembered she was a scared woman, just like I had been and I remembered I just needed someone to tell me I wasn't a bad person; that I was forgiven. She is scared and penniless and needing someone to fix things for her. Being out of prison is often more scary than being in. Nothing is certain out here; not food, shelter, clothes. Nothing.

The very night the Sheriff called to question me God whispered in my ear and it had something to do with forgiveness and love. If my children can show me that sweet grace when I turned their lives upside down, surely I can show the same for someone who walks the world as afraid as I once was. And if God can forgive me for all I've ever done in my life and all I will ever do, surely I can extend that grace beyond myself.

Someone stole from our client. She lashed out at those that have helped her the most. I think that's the business we're in.

I think God is teaching me a few things too.

Where do I really begin?

2009-09-01T10:15:00.000-05:00

So as I start this blog it occurs to me that the retelling of my entire story; well that is, after all "the book" already begun long before I gave birth to this blog idea. How much do I tell? What do I share? There are a million things that have gone on since the day I walked out of county jail and in my heart, it is those things on which I want to focus; the transition, the paralysis, the ministry, the bumps in the road, the engagement and marriage, the walk we take every day with new women.

And then again, there's God at the center.

The learning, ever new, ever deeper. The friendship and love that grows first from Him then from me.

Many have heard the story; I sat at a stainless steel four stool table in the day room at county jail; Q pod it was called, to talk to someone about the devastating news that my daughter was moving to Houston to live with her father and be rescued from the clutches of a "criminal". I was tired, hungry and worn out from gallons of tears shed and all I could say to the quiet clergy who sat there was "First of all I just want you to know, I don't even think there is a God. But I really need someone to talk to." What a segue into any conversation, but with a woman of God? She had to think to herself "Just another inmate, doesn't really know the refinements of proper society!" She's honestly never told me what she did think in that moment, remind me to ask her!

Back to my thoughts, where to begin. Tackling this giant stuffed panda in the room, I have no idea where to start. Do I bring you up to date or jump in with the daily challenges and choices in the ministry, the struggles and the victories? Or do I retell the story and then jump in? One doesn't want to make a hash of things but what to do? So as I've done here I'll retell the story as it appears to relate to today and see how it goes.

Today I sit at my desk with a pile of jail mail in front of me; all begging responses and another stack of more administrative things to be dealt with, a UPS bill from our shipment from Tyndale House for 160 bibles they assured us would be free shipping. Mark (dear hubby you will meet as time goes on) tells me to put on my "CPS voice" (a former life) and get 'em! There is the current call from Pastor Joy updating me on our resident client struggling with car issues. I need to clean my house, after all, all weekend was a blur of a garage sale fundraiser activities to raise badly needed funds for the ministry....oh yes, and there's the ministry you haven't been introduced to yet....Foundation for Success Ministries, Inc.

So that's my day. I start it feeling tired, but uplifted. It's now Tuesday and yes, much to do. First I think I'll spend a few moments in prayer.

I need God.

In the beginning.....

2009-08-31T11:35:00.000-05:00

I cannot say this is something I would have found myself blogging or writing about. This surely isn't or wasn't in my grand plan of life. But today, a transformed and changed woman, as someone who didn't know where life was taking her, as someone with a passion for writing and a new passion for the One who gave me the passion I am sharing with anyone reading the journey from desperate inmate to evangelizing lay minister as it were.

On January 29th, 2007 I was arrested for theft. I was a middle aged, white, professional with two children; one still living at home, one out on his own. I was, as we all are, underpaid, overworked and flat out tired. I made a spontaneous, life changing decision. On the outside, it looked devastating. On the inside, with the help of our Lord, it became the sole defining moment of my life.

This is that story and the story that continues.