I know the thoughts I think toward you......

Recently I've had the honor of giving my personal testimony at a women's retreat in Clifton, TX, a probation/parole support group in Round Rock, TX and now have been invited to Whitney, TX and into Lane Murray Unit with Linda Strom to again share the wonderful work of God in my life. I cannot tell you how much sharing God's amazing work with others means to me. I cannot begin to express how His love for me in my most sinful season and His use of me since that day on my knees has changed my heart and my life's direction. All I can do is share my story whenever He asks me to and pray His message and His words fall from my mouth.

But the beauty of our personal testimonies is not in the story itself; its in the process that continues as we walk with Christ in our life! My testimony doesn't end til the day He brings me home to Him and that alone is a miracle worth sharing! Each day He works with me, molding me as the potter does and slowly transforming my life into something beautiful that He can show the world - "This is my creation, made in my likeness...." I am His. I am humbled and made meek at the thought of His love for me, His attention to my life and His call upon me that was chosen just for me.

I have lived most of my life in the past, fretting over a misspoke word or hiding from a deed that caused me shame. I regretted lost relationships. I mourned old loves. I tormented myself over past opportunities. Hope wasn't something I felt in my heart because hope had to do with today and tomorrow but I was mired in yesterday. But scripture tells us "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" Heb 11:1 (NKJV) God has revealed my past to me only to share with me my need for Him but not for any purpose in His future for me. My new faith tells me He has other plans that have nothing to do with my past and only to do with His plans for me and I am reminded out of bondage comes His promise in Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (NKJV)

While I can live in the past and only see what is behind me, I gain nothing in my surrender and belief in my Lord Jesus Christ. Or I can choose to look forward to His promises of today and tomorrow! I can live with the assurance He knows and meets my daily needs and His plans for me are far more glorious than I could ever imagine.

I have no idea what He has planned. I only know that today I am to tell my story, He keeps adding to it and together with my face turned toward Him I am prepared to be His hands and feet.

I love my Lord, I love the story He is weaving in my life and I am grateful, gloriously grateful that He chose to use me. While I rush through my days and stop as often as I can to call upon Him, remember Him and look to Him; what a comfort it is to know "...I know the thoughts I think toward you..." are constant and never failing. To God be the Glory!

God’s Daughter

What a joyous thing it is when our prayers are answered, despite how they might look!

I was a single mother, raising two kids, holding down a responsible job that demanded both my time and my emotional energy but the work – well I truly loved it and felt I was making a difference. Problem was, I had problems of my own.

I was married in 1979 to the man I felt I would spend the rest of my life with but despite even my best laid plans, that just didn’t happen. Some blame me. Some blame him. All that doesn’t matter. What matters are the results of those decisions and the life that began that day in January of 1997. I went from almost holding on to sanity to a just barely sane existence cleverly disguised as a mother, student and professional volunteer director in the non-profit sector. My professional life grew as my educational goals were met but my heart remained broken and my spirit remained empty and void of substance.

As a child, my life looked pretty ordinary. I was the baby daughter of a professional father and stay at home mother. I had an older brother that enlisted in the Air Force at 18 and was gone for the better part of my high school years. Though my parents divorced when I was ten, we still looked pretty normal for the mid 70’s. Divorce was becoming less and less taboo. Single moms were entering the work force and shortly after I entered high school, my Mom took a full time job at a local dry cleaner.

I never really wanted for much. My mom was a responsible woman who paid her bills, had a couple of credit cards “for emergencies only” and for the most part kept all topics of financial management quiet. It was considered a personal topic. But though we lived in a modest apartment and I didn’t always wear the latest designer this or that, I still had much of what a teenager wants and needs. My mom’s family was close by, we had regular celebrations at Christmas and Thanksgiving and the 4^th of July. There were lots of things that normal families went through but there were some things that weren’t so ordinary. There were and probably still are secrets.

There was the “big secret” I held in my heart, the one no one else knew about. The childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my step grandfather that started at about age 12 and went on each visit until I was about 16 when I could come up with a viable enough excuse to cease the visits lay as a bitter secret I would not tell anyone until I was 35 years old.

I kept this secret and from all outside appearances, to most people I looked like an intelligent, accomplished, professional woman.

What I didn’t set out to be was a criminal or a convicted felon. I can honestly say that I didn’t put a lot of thought into what I was doing those three days I went on a spending spree at the expense of others. I just knew that something inside me no longer cared to keep up the sane exterior and a big part of me thought “you can do this, you’re smart enough to get away with it.” One December day I was working for the State, traveling almost daily, usually late into the night, leaving my 15 year old daughter behind and usually robbing Paul to pay Peter; keeping all kinds of financial wolves at bay. I was making a decent living and had child support but never did the ends seem to meet.

Christmas was approaching and I was again on the road to take a child from one placement to another. This 17 year old had disrupted each foster home placement and I was frustrated to say the least. Driving from Round Rock, Texas to Fort Worth to transport this young man from his second placement to his third placement, I watched the gas gauge drop lower and lower. Knowing I would have to use the last few dollars in my bank account to make the round trip, I remembered a gift card in my brief case designated for another foster family. Slowly, with conflicting emotions of “yes” and “no” I pulled the gift card out and stopped at a Target in Mesquite and filled the gas tank, bought some lunch and a charger for my cell phone. I tossed the card back into my brief case and finalized my trip back home to Georgetown.

At some point, something inside just snapped. I can’t explain it. I can’t justify it or rationalize it and even at the time I knew I was risking more than I was willing to lose but something in my moral barometer was just gone. My gas tank was full but the gauge that measured right from wrong was flipping and swirling around like a roulette wheel. The white ball bounced in my mind and I was clearly and quickly out of control.

That night, when I returned to Georgetown, I went to Target again to purchase a new sweater to wear to court the following morning. Part of my job included testifying in child custody cases and this was to be my first termination hearing in my career so I wanted to look the part. With the anger and resentment of the eight hour trip to Fort Worth, Mesquite and back home still raging inside me, I again pulled out the card and readied myself to commit another crime of theft. I walked through the store and picked out a few items, including several Christmas gifts for my own children (my budget was tapped and I had already told my children Christmas would have to wait until January again when I got my income tax refund, a common occurrence for us but something that this time just didn’t feel right.) When I got to the register however, the woman in front of me had left her credit card in the register machine and rather than pull it out and call her back, as the purchases were rung up I slid the card back in and walked out with yet another felony event under my belt.

I cannot really recall all that transpired from this point forward. Though not altered by drugs or alcohol, I was altered by a false and evil sense of anger and entitlement that pushed me to what I am told was a three day spree of using credit cards and gift cards that were not mine. I filled our pantry with food, loaded our tree with gifts and threw in several luxury items for my home and myself such as new bedding and clothing for my office attire. The woman, who had lived most of her life getting what she wanted, took that materialistic desire past the bounds of bad financial management and into the realm of felonious behavior. I was lost, emotionally and spiritually. I had gone from a spend thrift to a thief in the matter of days.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame my crimes on the abuse as a child or the broken home or the lack of money management skills I had been taught or the fact that I was pretty much a spoiled child most of my life. I don’t blame my crimes on being overworked or overtired. I don’t blame my crimes on anything other than myself and irrational bad thinking that today still shock my spirit and heart.

What I’ve come to know, however, is that when I sit down and talk with the women in jail and prison that I work with, their stories all start out a lot like mine. Some more tragic, some more simple, some more complex. But we share a common thread. We all came to a moment when our decisions, our best laid out plans fell on the sidewalk like a used gum wrapper and tossed about in the wind without direction or purpose, turning quickly to rubbish. We all felt but didn’t acknowledge that we lacked a loving relationship that felt constant and alive in our hearts and somewhere, one day along our life journey, we just gave up trying.

Less than a month after my crime spree, I found myself sitting inside the Georgetown Police Department and denying with all my might any wrongdoing (I had watched way too much prime time crime shows, I was pleading the 5^th and hoping they’d just take my word for things.) Finally, remembering I had one friend who was a lawyer, I asked to speak to her before I did anything else (yes, I “lawyered up”) and then called my son to insure my daughter, then 15 would be met at home when she returned from school.

I can pretend I wasn’t guilty but I was. I can pretend I didn’t deserve what I got but I did. I can blame it on everyone else or I can take responsibility for the fact that my choices have always been my choices; good or bad. But what I can never do is look back now with regret.

The short story of my life is that I had lived without God in my life my entire life. I had been an unchurched child grown into an unchurched woman who knew nothing about a loving God. I never knew there was a God who wanted more for me than I could even dream for myself. And while I was unchurched and unknowing about our Lord Jesus Christ, I had more than once prayed to a God out there somewhere, usually saying “if you are really there…” for something I felt I needed.

And the night before I was arrested I had prayed to God to “save me from myself”.

What a joyous thing it is when our prayers are answered, despite how they might look! God heard my prayer that night and knowing who I was and how I had lived my life to that point, seeing my life from beginning to end and knowing what His plans for me had always been, He stopped me dead in my own tracks and decided it was time we talked.

My college educations didn’t save me. My high IQ didn’t save me. My knowledge of the law, my skills working with people, my ability to con my way into or out of most all situations didn’t save me.

My Lord Jesus Christ saved me. He called me into His family and greeted me warmly, lovingly and without reservation when I chose to invite Him in. With the help of visiting clergy and the slow and patient discipleship I was offered, I came to know Jesus as Lord and knew that nothing in my life would ever again be the same. Slowly God revealed to me His true nature, His full love and His attentive eyes upon my life.

It may have happened in a dark jail cell on the Southside of the Williamson County jail but God met me there. He calmed my spirit, stilled the raging storm inside my soul and allowed me to walk through six months behind bars when I didn’t think I could wake up there one more day. In time, He opened my heart to the reality of my life and the many things He had in store for me to do. He continues to work with me, walk with me and correct me when my flesh attempts to take over. I have learned to love Him, trust Him more and more and want to share with others that He can and will meet you wherever you presently find yourself. If He met me in jail, He’s willing to go anywhere, anytime to bring another of His children home to His heart.

Today, as my new husband Mark and I work toward building permanent transitional Christian housing for women coming out of prison and jail, I know God is at hand in our lives. Spirit House Ministries, Inc. was built to serve and glorify our loving God by meeting the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of God’s daughters. We are often confused, questioning and uncertain where and what to do next. But always, always with confidence we know God is at work in our lives and I am ever grateful He calls me “daughter”.

Just working

Spirit House II is no dream job, the kitchen floor isn't something I'd be happy to be walking on and when we removed the refrigerator, well you don't even want to see that picture! But just like with Unit I, we knew the task before us was for a special daughter of Christ with no options and great fear about her future so we rallied up a team and started in.

Each time we take over a new unit we take over new projects. Mark and I are sure the day when we purchase our first home together, we will have so much experience in home renovations that nothing will be beyond what we feel ready to tackle!

The first weekend had Mark and his brother Ronnie, plastering holes in the walls and measuring for flooring tile, removing receptacle covers and outlet covers to prepare for painting and patching nail holes where pictures and posters once hung.

But here we are at Unit II; preparing for the release of our new sister, Bree, who is anticipating her release on August 12, in less than a month.

As with Belinda's unit, no matter how we put the pencil to calendar, we keep finding it takes about 1 month of Saturdays to get the work done and the beautification complete. That's just the manual labor. It usually takes me a week of phone calls to get utilities turned on in my name (can't get anyone to understand that they should be in the name of the ministry for record keeping but because these aren't commercial properties they just won't do it but I think I've ranted about that before!)

Then its the gathering of the volunteers! This past weekend we were blessed with two newly returned Army servicemen, recently back from Iraq. Their heart for service doesn't end at their deployment, it seems just a wonderful part of who they are and we thank them greatly for their humor, spirit and willingness to jump in!

Then the donations of furniture and household goods, clothes and hygiene and the normal stuff we all learn to take for granted came pouring in from the women's ministry at First Baptist Church in Copperas Cove. Nothing is too small and no detail was overlooked so when we begin to make pretty and finalize the unit it is sure to come together as perfectly as Spirit House I did.

In any one of these units as there are dozens of things you have to remember when putting the place together.

Think of the last time you moved into a new house. It probably wasn't a run down, slum area of your town (maybe it was?) but you still had so much to get accomplished. You scrubbed every floor, bathtub, toilet and cabinet inside and out. There was shelf paper to lay before the glasses went inside. There was shower curtains to hang, new rings for the curtain to buy because somehow you lost two of them on the move from place A to B. There was the new drapery rods that didn't work now on the new windows and the curtains you took with you were a lot more faded than the new paint you just put on the new walls. Details. Things you didn't think about but had to do something about to make it feel liveable and like home to you.

We do the same thing for each of these units as they come together and get them put in a condition that provides a haven for rejuvenation and demonstrates God's abundant love even in modest circumstances.

I'll be real honest. There are times when Mark and I get overwhelmed by the duty we feel bound to follow through on; providing housing and basic necessities to those the world would rather forget.

The same kindness was once shown each of us; through the pastor who took me in after my incarceration and through Mark's brothers and sisters in law after his DWI's. The love, kindness and provision has not been forgotten by us. It drives us to keep going. It always urges me to remember when I walked out of jail with relief and gratitude that I had somewhere to go. I had a shower, real shampoo and a bed waiting for me. Every detail I might need had been thought about. A room decorated, new bedclothes purchased. A table and chair brought in. A television with cable sat atop a dresser.

When the joy is seen on the faces of those we serve, we feel the gratitude and love from the women we house and write to and provide for. We revel in the relief and joy we are able to witness when they walk out the gates of prison. We feel the blessings in sharing this experience. In those moments I admit to wondering if I'm doing this for those moments, for those words of praise and thanks given my way. I cannot help but enjoy and bask somewhat in their expressions of gratitude toward me when I know the only reason Mark and I are able to do this is because of the abundant love God is sending through us. God keeps growing our business so we can grow the ministry. I never want to forget that God provides all and simply uses us to provide.

We don't want to ever feel we are doing this for any other reason than to show that God works in all places, through all of His followers and ALWAYS for His glory, not ours. I also know He is using a large army of volunteers, donors and others who are beginning to have the same spark fired in them to assist us in our mission to love God's daughter's out of the darkness of their past to the beautiful light of His future plans for them.

Conferences are awesome.  You are put in a room full of generally like minded people, coming together to solve problems, network, gain information and exchange knowledge.  They serve so many wonderful purposes and I have the privilege of attending Prison Fellowship Ministry's Out4Life Conference in San Antonio, TX!

But unlike other conferences, this one has one up on most!  God is here!  He's here and He's working miracles!  And today I was able to witness a miracle right as it was happening!

Last night, this conference was televised on the local news.  That's a pretty common practice, right?  Large group of folks gather for an interesting topic like prison ministry and the news decided to take a moment, no doubt for a "feel good" piece to round out the daily reporting of more negative newsworthy items.  That's pretty awesome in itself.

But what is more awesome is how God works when His children gather and seekers seek Him.


Unknown to all of us at the conference, an ex-offender in the area, struggling and scared, was watching the news and came across the conference.  God raised up in him the courage to find his way (by foot) to the Double Tree Hotel in north San Antonio, walk in to a roomful of people, not knowing what he might find or how me might be received, and simply ask for help.


He has now been connected with over a dozen folks who are working with him on housing, employment, legal and other immediate needs issues and it happened within minutes.   Folks gathered around him to pray and then God's army of servants went to work to start finding him the support he needs to stay Out4Life!


If nothing else happens in this conference, and trust me, alot already has....witnessing our living, working, involved God in action in those moments made the whole trip worth while.


Tonight, when you lay your head down to sleep, pray for Daniel and the many men and women who seek God and are often rejected by the world, even the church!  Praise God that Daniel was loved, embraced and is going to be cared for in the way the church is called to operate!  And then thank God that He's there for you and your family and that you have a God that moves and acts and loves us so well!

Love, God

Last night I talked to Juanita, the mother of an ex offender, out on parole. This strong, multi-lingual woman has taken herself from first generation American to impressive female business owner who has supported her two children through opening and running an English as a second language school in Mesquite, Texas. She has worked hard and earned her way. She is a Christ believing, spirit filled mother who for years has been tormented by her children's choices.

You see, both her son and daugther have chosen a life of drugs, night clubs, partying, laziness and fast money schemes.

Her daugther, the one with whom I was calling to inquire about was in WILCO with me back in '07. She was one of several who would spend their nights up reading Christian teaching books, the Bible and praying together. As the days passed, she was sentenced to 5 years TDC and was paroled out in February of 2008. I had picked her up from the Gatesville Unit and spent the day delivering her to her parole officer, and then to her family for a reunion that brought a lump in my throat.

During Monica's stay in TDC, I began vising her monthly to encourage her to continue her walk with Christ and to create after release plans that included church attendance, bible study and a real reconciliation with her mother most of all.

Juanita was so pleased to hear from me last night though she had nothing positive to report on her daughter She has no idea where she is living or working or how she is making her money. The only reason she knows she is still alive is because of the cell phone on their family plan that Monica uses; and when she doesn't receive Monica's payment for her portion, Mom, utilizing boundaries with her children, cuts off her phone which always prompts a call from daughter. But as she said, at least then I know she is still alive; otherwise I would have no idea is she is okay.

Juanita is tired, she is sad and yet she is also determined that strong boundaries with her children are the only thing she can do to remain focused on taking care of herself; because worrying and rescuing her children was literally killing her. What Juanita does know of her daughter's life is that she was going to the methadone clinic but back using heroine as well. She knows her daughter is always broke and always calling to beg for money which she will not supply. She knows she is struggling and lost again to "the world" that quickly drug her back from a jail saved seeker of Christ into a living in the flesh lost soul.

But here's the real tragedy and here is where I believe some real blame lays. The week I made arrangements to pick Monica up from her release, I had arranged to deliver her to parole and then to bring her from Mesquite to Georgetown to spend two weeks or so with myself and Pastor Joy (the same woman who walked me to my decision for Christ) to gird her up in her faith and spend some time outside the prison walls in a God centered friendship and fellowship. Parole agreed.....

until we arrived there in Mesquite and suddenly they decided they had several "classes" and appointments she needed to attend. None of which helped to encourage her faith or give her solid resources to lean upon until she could find a strong support system outside! Now I know that day I was much inconvenienced by all the driving but I didn't mind. Monica and I had a chance to enjoy a meal together, talk for the several hour drive to her home and for a time with her family as they just basked in the reunion!

The problem, however, was the lack of support by parole and their own bureaucracy to consider solutions outside their box. Faith based programs are showing the highest rate of success and yet secular systems such as probation and parole are not yet fully embracing these options.

Could this have made a difference in her life and her choices since release? The answer is obviously yes, it could have! It is a guarantee? Of course not. We are fallible, flawed humans who are always free to continue making bad choices. But when options are closed to us during those vital first days of transition, when direct discipleship is mandated as a "no go" for reasons that are legalistic, secular stubborness then a grave injustice has contributed to the problem rather than supporting solutions.

I am searching for Monica, hoping to find her and get a chance to remind her of our spirit filled days in F5. I know if God put her in my mind and heart, then He has a reason. Experience shows us that those who are faithfully discipled upon release have a far greater chance at success than those that don't. Changes must be made to insure that Godly relationships are not disrupted or interfered with by over zealous, under discipled authority.

Yes, as I reflect on my conversation with Juanita, I am infuriated that another child is lost to the world for the time being and that hands in authority in our secular world had a part in that.

There are no easy answers but to again, as always, rest in God and pray fervently for each and every woman He places on our hearts. "Monica, I'm here for you. Love, God"

I might be a little sleepy but God has other plans.

When God moves in our lives its kind of hard to ignore.

You do things totally out of character. People respond to you in totally new ways. Closed doors open and open doors just slam shut. Energy levels go through the roof and things that have been weighing you down are checked off your "to do" list because they just magically get done and you stand back thinking "I' put that off for that long why?? That took me all of ten minutes!"

Okay, well maybe that's how God works in the world of the great procrastinators like myself and He probably works differently in your life! But the end result is just the same. Stuff gets done!!!!!!!!

Good stuff.

Exciting stuff.

I have to admit that last night as I saw the clock tick toward 1 AM I was hesitant to get to bed. Why? Because that meant Monday and a deskload of promises were all set before me that I had put off for too many days to count now. I slept late and I finally got nudged out of bed by my adorable husband who asked "Is it getting out of bed today or just hiding?" Like any good procrastinator I wanted to hide. Hiding is warm because you are still in your jammies, cuddled in the little nook of blankets you've wound around yourself and you can still play
"Leslie in wonderland" in your twilight dreams when you aren't quite awake and you aren't quite asleep. But alas Mark was headed out the door and I really was awake no matter how cozy I was so time was a ticking on by.

But lo and behold the minute I got my eyeglasses on my face and listened to my voice mail God sprang me out of bed and into action. By the time I sat down to lunch I was praising God and thanking Him for working so miraculously in my life, always in ways I would not have done or even thought of myself.

God is my God, my miracle worker and His Son, Jesus Christ, is my personal savior to whom I owe all glory and praise. It may sound trite and over used but without Him I am nothing and without the infusion of the Holy Spirit in my life I can do nothing. I am excited to be His and to watch Him work in my life, an ordinary life He makes extraordinary with each passing day He allows me to again be His servant.

My reach expands to new seeking women and the doors that are opened are the ones I know should be opened. I am victorious in all things and happy in heart and spirit that no man can touch! God has much to do and I am ever so grateful He is using me in His plans. I may get sleepy, I be tired; and I know when I lay my head down to rest, God smiles at His child sleeping so peacefully as I did when watching my own children sleep...but its now Monday morning and God has other plans.

He keeps showing up!

The ladies I've been working with at the Woodman State Jail have really come a long way in the nine weeks we've been together. They moved from a detached, guarded collection of inmate numbers to a prayerful, spirit-filled sisterhood. The change and growth is amazing as I knew it would be!

When we started out, each lady came to the group knowing they would have to share their story and give an accounting of the wrongs they had committed as best they could remember and felt safe enough to do. You could see the wheels turning in their minds those first weeks as they determined what and how much to share. There's nothing surprising about their mindset; they don't live in a safe environment that garners trust among the inhabitants or the staff! The first few testimonies and accountings were, shall we say, guarded. Brief descriptions and stories that for the most part left the inmate intact, usually showing herself to be a victim as well. And why not? There isn't a one in there I will lay money who isn't a victim of at least one crime perpetrated against them! I've said it before and I'll say it as many times as I must, the world is a fallen place and each lady we meet has a story that includes harm done to them and harm they've done to others. I was no different.

But change comes when repentance is heartfelt deep and these ladies have started that journey to reconciliation with their God, their families, their communities and themselves. The stories are more detailed. The list of their victims are longer. The acceptance of one another deeper and more honest.

These women truly do amaze me. They are sharing details of their lives that their families do not even know. They are trusting one another with secrets and shame and guilt. They are finding acceptance and love and mercy from God through one another. It's a startling reality that life isn't pretty and that if we are brutally honest about our own lives, we have much to be forgiven for from a God who knows and sees all but waits for us to ask!

I am honored that I am a part of this process in their lives and I am strengthened and encouraged as I watch them each in their journey. They are God filling, God fearing women and they are changing. I too am changing and am being allowed another opportunity by God to address my own transgressions and short comings. I am allowed a new morning to start over when needed and to reproach myself in all things that need addressing. These women provide me the courage to step outside the walls of comfort that are often formed when things appear to be going right and well for us, and to look deeper into my life to find the hidden sins that seem innocent or small. I am reminded how far God has taken me as I watch these women struggle with forgiveness; the forgiveness they seek from themselves!

I am reminded of the early days in WILCO when my heart was peeled raw from anguish over the things I had done to my children, my family, my coworkers and my community. At this point in my life, God was not a part of the equation and I probably could not have handled that guilt on top of what I was already feeling. But God has His perfect plan for our salvation, our forgiveness and even our healing from our own mistakes. Once I had calmed enough to approach Him on matters of salvation and invitation, He then set about working on the matters of personal accountability and forgiveness. What I learned over time was that the two go hand in hand, both from God and from ourselves. I walked through every emotion I think God ever invented. I was tormented and angry and bitter and ashamed and fearful and snide and uncooperative and submissive and idle and anxious. How many ways did my heart turn?

As I watch these women recount their crimes and their lives, I watch them move in and through a dozen or more emotions in the stretch of a two hour session. I am moved by the way God takes them from place to place in their heart in order for them to fully examine with His care all that they have lived through and done.

In time, as with all seasons of our lives, this too will pass into the yesterday and new things will confront each of us. But I can be sure now that no matter what I face, what I decide, what I do; I have a God who loves me enough to be there with me and to carefully help me along angled roads I cannot traverse on my own. Each of these women are also learning to walk a straighter walk down curved roads and they are learning to rely on the same God I met back in 2007; the right now, on time, ever faithful God of love. He just keeps showing up!

The phone rang today. I heard a recorded voice announce I had a call from "Trish", would I accept this free call? The recording then said "after your free call you will be directed to our operators to set up an account to continue taking calls from this number". I knew in an instant that our friend, "Trish" was trying to call from inside Williamson County jail. She answered, we said a quick hello and then just as she started to say "they are going to..." the call cut off. Literally within about 20 seconds our "free call" was disconnected.

I sighed and tried to move through the process of setting up our cell phone for a prepaid account. I tried to get them to quote rates to me. I tried to establish a minimum that was required to set up this "prepaid account". I spent about 45 messing around their website and on the phone trying to wade through the muck that is set up for friends and family to accept calls from those incarcerated. I somehow, through God alone, stayed calm but was not able to set things in motion. I wasn't about to give this outfit my credit card number! Uh no thank you! Then as I perused their website, to the best I could determine, they wanted to charge me $4.65 a MINUTE! Seriously!

I went to the county website, logged on to see our friend's booking information and realized why she was calling. She's about to be moved from Williamson County to Hays County. She's at day 39 and in no more than 45 days, the offense county has to come get her. She's pulling chain tonight and I know exactly why she is calling. She wants someone to know where she is!

So often, during the process of adjudicating someone, they are moved from county to county, then to state facilities; always without time or the ability to notify anyone. In this process a woman is taken by strangers from location to location. She feels alone, lost and scared. Already with an uncertain future, she is moved around by strangers and treated with little respect or concern.

I know, I know! She got herself in this predicament, why all the sympathy?

Simple. She, as well as you and I, is a child of God. She is a wonderfully and fearfully made creation. She is God's.

As the system works to pass her from jail to jail, court to court; she is a number and at best a last name. She is a rap sheet, a list of charges and a disposition.

I have a task to insure she knows she is not lost. The rest of this week will be calling Hays County daily to find when she hits the booking files. I can send her emails there and get a response for her. I can let her know she is remembered and cared for through Christ's abundant love.

I have many thoughts about the various services that have cropped up to provide phone and card and mail service to inmates. I have as many thoughts about the commissary system inside the jails and prisons. At times, what is done to the families and friends and ministry workers that attempt to continue loving these lost men and women incarcerated, it seems a crime in itself. I have to check myself as I walk through these circumstances that I leave the injustices to Him to handle; my task is clear.

I truly love that God puts on my heart the ladies that come into our ministry. They may be the worst of the worst but He asks Mark and I daily to love them and show them the reality that is Christ. Glory to God that He opened this wonderful ministry to us and Glory to God that somehow, in the murky darkness of this world, we heard Him and responded.

Trish is not alone. God won't let her be!

News!

I was really excited to learn that I was included in this quarters publication, The Apologist, by the Faithful Steward Ministries and Faithful Steward Ministries Women's Outreach. I was included on pages 17-19. Hope you take a peek and take a look at some of the wonderful work they are doing in this ministry!

I love my job.

I'm very excited today as I work toward bringing a prison ministry conference to Georgetown. Last fall I met a wonderful group of ministry workers with Restorative Justice Ministries. I told them I would love to work with them on having a conference more centrally located to include many of the Austin area after care programs. They were more than responsive.

We have a date set that I'm trying to coordinate with a local host church willing to give us the space needed for this event. Those calls are all made and I await a return call sometime this afternoon.

This is something I feel very prepared to do. I'm excited about the work and organizing an event. In an old life I did a lot of regional and national conferences; spoke at several of them and worked in bringing a national conference to the Austin area in 2001. It was an exciting time and connected me with many folks in the community technology arena. Today, as I work bringing together fellow ministry workers for a day of collaboration and strengthening our work I know I am working on something pleasing to the Lord and encouraging for each of us involved.

I am reminded that God is all about relationship; with Him first and one another as He has commanded. We are strengthened and encouraged by our relationship with God and that strength and encouragement moves through our relationships with one another. So many times we are quick to devalue interaction with others working in our same industry or job but we should be reminded that there is little work that doesn't involve other people in some way. Even those most solitary of work either impacts another or provides another with a service or tool for their life; there is little we can do that doesn't have a relational aspect to it.

In ministry, the very definition of the word is relational. Websters defines ministry as "an act or instance of ministering; ministration; service. the service, functions, or profession of a minister of religion." Notice how the word "service" is in both definitional parts. I challenge you to perform the verb "service" without some relational aspect. And in this I am reminded about the very core of what we do!

Whether we are serving the women coming out of prison or working with other ministry workers toward a common goal, we are in an act of service to God, to our clients, to our community and toward one another. I am strengthened by relationship and I strengthen relationships through service; through ministry. What a better way to celebrate and increase my impact for Him than through this upcoming conference and the work that goes into it. I love my job!

A Nation in Prayer

This was shared with me from a dear friend. I had to pass this along. While I don't normally post from other's emails or commonly forwarded material, I felt this worth sharing.

Evening Prayer

Someone has said that if Christians really understood the full extent of the power we have available through prayer, we might be speechless.

Did you know that during WWII there was an advisor to Churchill who organized a group of people who dropped what they were doing every day at a prescribed hour for one minute to collectively pray for the safety of England, its people and peace?

There is now a group of people organizing the same thing here in America . If you would like to participate: Every evening at 9:00 PM Eastern Time (8:00 PM Central) (7:00 PM Mountain) (6:00 PM Pacific), stop whatever you are doing and spend one minute praying for the safety of the United States, our troops, our citizens, and for a return to a Godly nation. If you know anyone else who would like to participate, please pass this along. Our prayers are the most powerful asset we have. Please forward this to your praying friends.

Cleaning my desk

Do you ever feel like you can't start a new project or even finish a half done one up before you get organized, cleaning all around your work space and then settle in for the creative stuff? For me that struck this week as I've quarantined myself at home for several health issues that just need time to pass and heal.

Yet God is tugging at my heart to finish my story, update my blog and work on putting together the stories that glorify Him. But today, even after moving my lap top back onto my desk (which took some clearing off itself!) I couldn't sit down and get a thing done until I had some room around me. The remnants of a recent retreat were still piled next to my desk; bags that hadn't been unpacked and stacks of paperwork, filing and just "stuff" abounding around me.

I see progress now though. My desk is taking some shape, yes a big pile remains that I know I have to go through but I am working through the details bit by bit.



Its far from perfect, but then again, so am I. We work well together, this little desk and I but I need some room!

God is working with me on many things right now; organization. Procrastination. Patience. Vision. Direction. I'm hearing the organization messages loud and clear and I become more discontent with the chaos around me. I think that's how God works with us too. He puts little things in our heart that say "I don't like this anymore." and we can start to see how changing that one little thing changes us inside. When I listen to that heart message, and act upon it, I am obedient. When I hear the message and ignore it, several things happen. I shut God out of my life, even unintentionally and I miss out on the blessing of His teaching.

I was taught that in Exodus as God gave Moses the ten commandments He said "I give you these commandments so things may go well for you," and I reflect on this even now. When I listen to God's commandments or direction in my life, things usually seem to go well for me. When I ignore that voice in the quiet, go my own way or orchestrate my own actions, I often find things get pretty mucked up in a hurry.

God has purpose and plan for each of us. He has direction He knows is in our best interest. He needs to refine each of us in order that we carry out His plan and purpose and I think He does this through a long series of events and choices and options. The more I listen and follow directions, the closer I am to seeing and understanding God's plan for my life. I am starting that with simply learning to hear His voice and acting upon what I hear. As silly as it may sound, today I really think God wanted me to get some things cleared away and cleaned up so I could focus on some tasks that need my attention.

I have taken time to get through surgery and recover from bronchitis, asthma and now ear infections. I am ready to work again and though I still need some quiet time to let the doctor prescribed medications take full hold, I have much I can do right here at my desk. But first, God said it clearly, you have to be able to find that desk.

Tomorrow I plan on study and prayer time. God has much for me to do and I need to hear what that is. I know no other way than to give the day to Him. I'll let Him take it from there.

Praying on Our Knees - In Touch Ministries - Dr. Charles Stanley 2010

Praying on Our Knees - In Touch Ministries - Dr. Charles Stanley 2010

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Always pray.

Mark and I have been talking a great deal lately about the ministry; it's growth track and it's future. It's been 7 mos. now since we made the step out in faith and started Spirit House Ministries. We did so we knew at the direct calling of our Lord and we felt confident in it's success. We have seen some wonderful successes to be sure.

But lately we've felt a sense of discontent with its progress and our vision. I have to admit I've even felt like chucking it all and finding some secular job so Mark and I could maybe buy our own home and have a few extra things! But I know these desires are not from God and that such a direction could seriously derail our spiritual growth as well.

Mark and I have never questioned that God brought us together for His special purpose. Our lives, so complex and filled with challenges, came together at a time when we both so needed the strength and comfort of another person. God knew our needs and saw to them in a special and unique way that only He can orchestrate. From our first date we talked about our faith, our love of Jesus and our desire to devote our lives to His purposes.

So these new aching challenges of direction and next steps has us truly in a crisis of the heart. Where does God want us to take His work? What are the next steps?

Our answer? Prayer. What else can we do but take our confusion and blurred vision to the maker of all, our Lord and Savior. For this ministry and our lives are His masterpiece, His work and His plan. We are not immune to the spiritual warfare that Satan would deceive us by. But we are armed with the strength that cannot be challenged.

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,

for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. (Eph. 6:13-20 NLT)

Therefore, return to scripture, where truth lies and His desires for our life are mapped out. It is incumbent upon us all that our lives should be armed with God and our direction in any warfare should be at His leading. Our work, that of a battle against this world and our desires, and all that God would have us do must be grounded in scripture and grounded in His word. Nothing replaces a personal relationship with God, our father and His Son, Jesus Christ. If we are to remain in His will, then, nothing can replace our study of His word and deep, spiritfilled prayer.

Our ministry is nothing with our own efforts. We can work and work and go nowhere if we leave out the power of Christ in our lives. This ministry and this blog are but tools of God to use to increase His Kingdom and care for His children.

Mark and I agree, God is center first in our lives and this ministry is where He has placed us for His purposes. Our job is to listen and when directed, act. In those times when we have no specific direction, our task it to ask...ask and it will be given to you. It is time, Lord, Mark and I ask for your divine direction in our lives and the resources to carry them out. We are your servants.

I share all this with you today to show that all, even those whose lives are drenched in ministry, have times in which we feel lost and without direction, confused by the world and tugged at by things that might not be of His choosing for our lives. Being honest with you is my greatest gift. I believe we are in this together and learning from one another, even in times of turmoil, strengthen us in the long run for the battle of this fallen world in which we operate.

I promised this blog would be honest and the stories and writing would be true and accurate. I hope this too meets that standard as we move through the moments of our lives that are not always smooth and perfect. I pray that our lives and our struggles become comfort for others who wonder at their destiny and their purpose. And I pray. Always pray.

My editor

I spent 182 days in Williamson County Jail. In a life of now 48 years, that doesn't sound like much time. Almost three years later, as I work to document those days, the staff, court personnel and the women I shared "our house" with I am slowly seeing it all in a very different way.

Early on in my "stay" I began making notes of experiences, events, processes and people; the writer living inside me since I was a small child wanted to insure this very BIG experience wasn't lost to just another blurred memory. I wanted to keep alive everything I was going through and in the beginning it was for purposes that were less than noble, I wanted to figure out how to make money off my bad circumstances. That's the brutal truth. I wanted to write some "tell all" book to expose the injustices within the justice system and the often inhumane treatment that exists in our jails and prisons. Brutal, honest truth. Over time my notes became a scrapbook of words, a way to vividly remember the unique, diverse and interesting women that were housed in WILCO during that time. Monica, Kristan, Nichole, Lori, Patrica, Robyn, Cindi, Hope, Lee, Shannon, Olanda; the list of women and their stories are now a part of our joined history, now a part of my life forever.

Don't get me wrong. There was plenty to write about, the injustice was often quite real. The inhumane treatment not a figment of angry imaginations. I could write a book about that! But God put something on my heart that took this work and those notes in a new direction. He wants His daughter's stories, their testimonies to be clearly a reflection of His love. That's my task, starting with my own story and working right on through each and every story I was to hear, it was and is to be an accurate representation of God's Love and His Grace and His Mercy.

There was a purpose for my experience and in that experience God knew He had placed me where I could find a voice for my life. He also knew that I would never quiet until the stories were told and people could read them. I continue to work toward the goal of publication and I keep gathering stories and notes and interviews and conversations that tell how God has worked in the miraculous lives of the many women I came to know behind bars.

Not a one of those women will tell the same story. Their lives are unique blended experiences that are vividly alive. They may have drugs in common, or prostitution, or theft...they may share an abusive background or relationship. But they are individual women whose lives were continual choices, this direction or that. Some knew God from childhood, others discovered God in jail as I did, still others were being reintroduced to their loving Heavenly Father. Few that I met were unwilling to talk about God. I was probably one of the most stubborn in that regard! And as we talked, the conversations always took on a glow. There was something truly on fire in the dark hours when we would gather and speak quietly about Jesus and faith and what it means to be a Christian. No matter what might be going on in the tank or pod, when women gathered in the quiet to talk, something made the bars fall away and the guards disappear. We were alone with one another and with God.

You often hear that God sets man free and it is no more true than behind bars. When you feel His presence in your heart and with you right where you are, not even the cold steel and concrete of jail can make your heart feel trapped or caged. You are free in spirit and free in faith and free in love. God takes you from the empty night and brings you to His light. Those are the stories that we shared. Stories of how yesterday and today don't matter as much as the love our God has for us.

I will never forget those moments in jail when I sat contently on my bunk as though on my bed at home. Reading and writing and taking notes as though I was studying for a college exam and not writing on a steel bunk in county jail. I will never forget how God transported my mind away from the failure and shame of my actions to focus on our relationship alone.

And while I might have spent time planning my tell all book, God had other things in mind. Who am I to disregard my editor? He is the author and finisher!

When I sit down to write on my book or blog, two things are always true, I am in a good mood and I am feeling inspired to share something even if I don't know what that "something" is. Today these truths hold firm. But it has me wondering...why am I so unwilling to write when I'm in a bad mood? What keeps me from sharing the negative feelings? Why am I so careful not to expose the bad the days, the unjoyful days, the days void of something happy and light?

Even as I write this, it is amazing to me how the words just seem to type themselves and a message, not what I intended but what God would have me write seems to get created and put on screen. I am thinking about the negative, always a part of our lives at some point in time, even if only for a moment, and I am reminded of the images of the "church people" of my past. The perfectly dressed, perfectly combed and brushed and curled with pearls church ladies that always made me feel frumpy and inadequate. I think of the men in suits that always looked so much more dapper than my husband, more dapper and somehow more successful that dropped their checks in the basket for all to see as the highly polished brass plate was passed by. I think of the children, all spit-shined with stark white anklets and severly pressed dress pants.

And how nothing negative ever seem to hang over any of them except my perception of my life in comparison to theirs.

Then one day, while still living with Pastor Joy, she drug me to a woman's retreat at our church. The ladies, like all the ladies of church I had ever known were dressed and polished, hair perky and perfectly cut, clothes ironed to perfection, jewelry in perfect balance with the clothes and colors. They gathered, chittering and chatting, anxious to hear our guest speaker, Linda Strom, who wrote the book "Karla Fay Tucker: Set Free".

Linda Strom brought a speaker with her as well and the day was a journey in both their testimonies and my perception of the perfect church ladies I had ever known began to change. As the day moved from worship to testimony to growing activities I saw these women in a whole new way. One exercise had us gathered in groups of four or five women; all to tell something about their struggles and the times in their life when they could not feel God close or leaned on Him the most.

I sat in my group, certain I knew what I was about to hear - stories about the twins having chicken pox at the same time or the struggle to deal with a gossipy neighbor. I was sure the stories would be guarded reflections of trifling "challenges" while I still wondered, fresh out of incarceration, how I would ever rebuild my life.

The first lady started, tears already welling in her eyes as she talked about the infidelity of her husband and how she wasn't sure they would ever see their way out of the debt he had racked up during his affair, let alone her ability to forgive and most past his betrayal. The next lady, in response to one of the days speakers shared her story about her rape she had always hidden away but now felt free to admit it was a part of her life. My criminal history and my own tortured past which included childhood sexual abuse as well didn't seem as dark and unfamiliar. Each woman shared more than I ever knew lived behind the leaded glass front doors on the perfect Norman Rockwell houses and I was more than surprised, I was relieved.

I had lived my entire life avoiding that place where I felt the most out of sync; church. I had lived my entire life feeling as though all the people there had much to feel blessed about and that is why they were there. I had little I could feel was praise worthy in my life and therefore I didn't belong!

Why, oh why do we think we have to put on shiny, perfect faces when the lives of so many in each and every church is made up of trauma, crime, violence, betrayal, and grief. Why do we feel compelled to put on a smile when there is pain deep inside us? Why must we present our lives as a testament to perfection separating us from the reality of life?

The truth is we live in a fallen world and each and every one of us are at some point affected by its fallenness. People are hurting and healing, grieving and coming to joy, addicted and recovering, betraying and reconciling each and every day. People feel less, inferior, unloved, unloveable, inadequate and small; but many are transformed by a BIG, more than enough God that sees them as His wonderful creations and we seek to feel that acceptable, uncompromising love every time we step inside the walls of His Church.

I had to go to jail, fail in every aspect of my life, be dragged to church and a woman's retreat before I knew the truth behind the faces...the contentment and joy that only God provides. I had to be desperate enough to change what my life had been before I could see that others shared my story and now my God. The brave and loving women who embraced me and shared with me their true lives that day changed the way I looked at church, myself and the perfect "church women" I had always loathed and envied.

I never want to be the negative Nellie that has to point out the bad in every situation or drone on about social injustice, crime, violence, bigotry, racism, the economy, politics and the state of the country and world. But I also don't want to ignore that the Church, the people who feel it necessary to present perfect lives need to have a voice and a place to share with the entire body of Christ all that they have lived through and all that God has done in their lives!

Our honesty with ourselves, each other and our wonderful God about the negative in our lives opens our lives to what God can do. Believing that faking it til we make it keeps us in control but gives God little room in our lives. Believing that God already knows the darkest parts of our lives invites Him in to do that only He can do. Being honest with one another gives us each a safe and loving place to rest together while we wait on Him to move in our lives.

I think of that day often, thankful in my heart that God again was revealing a truth to me about His church and His children. Just like the perfectly coiffed women of my torment, I saw the tortured, turbulent lives behind the make up and hair and perfect clothes. I saw that God made me just the way He intended; imperfect and living in this fallen world. He made me for His purpose and just like the lady in pearls next to me, I too have a destiny. No less or more precious than the family in the pew in front of me, I am His child, His daughter, His creation. And though my life has had its share of negative, He knew all of this even before He breathed life into me and I am as much His child as anyone else, just as loved, just as treasured. And like those many men and women in Church, I have secrets and fears and insecurities that I don't let the world see, for my own reasons.

To the women who shared with me that day, thank you. To my friends, sisters and church, thank you. Though you may not be willing or ready to reveal your truth to me, I know it's there and I love you. To my God who revealed this and many truths to me since we met, thank you, and I praise you for all that you are and all that you have done for me.

I am imperfect and I am loving it. I'm ready to share your imperfection too. I pray for you that whatever holds you back from an authentic life, you too are set free...because we are all one Body of Christ and all living in the same fallen world. God bless us all!

Spirit House I

Where did the month go?

Oh, that's right, we were busy making our housing unit ready for our first resident! Mark and I have been so busy painting and hauling furniture and replacing kitchen counters and stocking shelves with all the things that make a household run, well...it's been tough getting back here to keep everyone updated.

I have pics! Boy do I have pics!

Let's start with our before pictures. The housing units really didn't look like much when we first walked in but I felt in my heart that both the partnership with Jesus is Love Outreach Ministries and Spirit House Ministries was a Godly one and with some love these units could be made into a home so I walked out in faith and said yes.



Spirit House is so proud of all our donors, the friends and family who have pitched in to make these units come alive with God's love and provision!



Tuesday I was blessed to meet our first resident as I drove to Gatesville for her release. It is always an amazing day when a woman walks out of bondage into light.
Belinda is no different. She's happy and full of hope in her Lord. That's all we can ask for. The look on her face is why we are called to do what we do and we can't ask for more than what you see here.



I am always humbled that Mark and I were both called into service at the same time; with the same devotion and heart. Each for our own reasons but together working toward the same goals to serve the same mighty God. Trusting always in His divine intervention in all things, we are ready to start on unit II and get out there for more donations and more support. Guided by His direction in all things, Spirit House takes shape and moves ahead. God is good....ALL the time.

So today there isn't a memory or some lesson learned, no deep thoughts or ponderings of what we experience with the women we serve. Today is a day of celebration for us as we see our heart's desire come to pass. We are a ministry that serves, we are doing what we said we would do and we are seeing God provide in ways we could not orchestrate. It's a wonderful day when one sees a plan come together, learning to let God do the planning is our hardest part. But we're learning. And He's doing.

The Church at work

Our landlord had a screen door installed on our front door today. I am enjoying the wonderful sunshine while working as I can leave my solid front door open with this new contraption keeping the bugs and cold out. It's marvelous. I can watch the cars go by, hear the sounds of kids coming home from school and bask in the warmth of the sun as it slowly moves across the carpet. One wouldn't think that something as simple and common as a screen door could provide such joy but today I am just a kid again with this newly installed, functional item at my disposal and I want to praise God for the generosity of our landlord.

I recognize she did not have to install this door on our unit. We rented it without a screen door so we had no expectation of one nor should we have. Yet, when our landlord decided to move into the other half of the duplex to "downsize" she began upgrading little things for her own convenience and has included us in each upgrade she has done. There has been no added expense to us and she hasn't raised the rent in the two years we've been here, she just says she appreciates us as tenants and we are a blessing to her!

She continues to watch us ready ourselves for upgrading and renovating the housing units. She knows what we are about and what we do to serve the Lord. She has contributed painting supplies, carpet and the use of her pick up for transporting large items to Copperas Cove. She continues to demonstrate a love for us that is unique these days. We continue to keep her in our prayers and to be the most timely and conscientious tenant we know how to be.

The Church was meant to be this way. Yet today in our dog eat dog world we are often quick to forget the giving, loving and generous hearts that God created in us. While Mark and I work diligently to provide housing to a woman who may otherwise wind up homeless and without care; our landlord gives generously to us in simple ways that bring us joy and comfort. The sharing of our resources, the giving and spreading of what we have is an expression of Christ in us and I am humbled today to see evidence of it as the suns pours in and the cold is kept out.

Screen doors may not bring everyone the same joy I am experiencing, but I challenge each of us to look around and find the generosity sent your way today you might have overlooked. And I challenge each of us to find a way today to be a generous Christian to someone else. This is the Church at work.