John 14:6

I was on Facebook today, posting on my personal page and our ministry page, keeping up with and trying to use most of the popular social media venues for promotion and connection to the rest of the world when I happened across Sarah Palin's page. Of course, cynical me first wonders if she is actually the fingers on the keyboard but none the less, I scrolled down several of her posts, many of which have thousands of "comments". (In her defense, I did find a notation she had made stating this was her only valid and true Facebook account and any others that might be out there are not of her, by her or with her endorsement so, well at least that cynical question of mine was answered.)

She had posts about unions, White House budgets, Obama, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., America's enduring strength, the tragedy in Arizona just to name a few and the thought struck me again for the fifth or sixth time today "what do you stand for, Les?" I had literally been driving my elderly landladys' truck back from the garage for her when the thought just worked its way into my internal dialog, "what do you stand for, what do you believe in, what makes you want to rally and move and get energized?" It was not the first moment that this thought, for some odd reason, chose today to creep into my consciousness but there it was again.

A young friend of ours, just barely 22 now, is active in Young Republican's and the county Republican party here as well as other community oriented groups. She's vocal about many issues and has been taught at a young age to stand up for her beliefs through inclusion in organizations.

Other friends that Mark and I know and socialize with post through blogs and Facebook, Twitter and Linkd In social media sites those things that have their attention. They voice strong opinions, rant and state and dialog loudly about many subjects in our world, state, city and neighborhoods; everything from the current teacher funding cut backs affecting many Texas schools to the larger picture of the recent political turns in Egypt.

But for some reason, today, the thought has been nagging me? What do you stand for?

I work in prison ministry and some might say "well Les, obviously you stand for something and that's a pretty big something." I guess that's true and almost daily I deal with the obstacles that the men and women face as they enter the world outside the regimented walls of their temporary confinement. I am thrown into many facets of social injustice just by trying to help a very small handful of women transition from jail to life. Housing, employment, opportunity, social service barriers, credit histories and lack of resources to just exist for the first week once released from prison; these are but a few of the things I think about and talk about daily but what do I stand for? What cause will I throw my energy into and work my life to its end to change or solve or strengthen?

Then it hits me. It's clearly a part of one greater thing, one greater being, one greater cause that all these fall under and only ONE thing I stand for. And that ONE thing is not a THING at all but the great I AM.

I stand for Jesus Christ and ALL His teachings and ALL His ways and ALL His commands in my life which include seeing to the housing, employment, resources and lack of access to basic needs of the "least of these" He would have us remember; and not only remember, but with love and joy, SERVE.

I don't need a man made political party or an organization to follow His words with conviction and energy and vigor. For while following Jesus and stating His name with boldness may not be popular, it IS right, and lovely, and pure, and noble. Every cause which stands before us, the homeless, the hurt children, the widowed women, the incarcerated, the sinners and the saints of this world are all a part of the cause to which Jesus would have us address with our energies, resources, time and focus.

I may not stand for the popular causes and run with the popular crowd. Mark and I may quietly sit back and serve a handful of women at any given time that have come to our attention but we do so with love and caring and remembrance of a time when someone else did the same for us. We may be a small ministry with small resources, but we are working to solve the larger picture that the big organizations try to touch but sometimes only manage to do so with rhetoric.

Our lives are intimately involved, daily in the trenches where the needs hit the people smack in the face day after day as they wake up. And though we aren't yet serving thousands or even hundreds; the few we do serve feel the dedication to a cause, to a "thing" bigger than ourselves and we do so through personal service. And that service, that dedication to service isn't something of which we boast but something we do to honor the ONE who thought enough of us to create us, love us, rescue us and see to our eternal needs. So I would say, if I am boasting, that I am boasting for the wonder and power of Jesus Christ in my heart and in my life for He alone has made my heart open to taking a stand for something; something big; something lasting; something eternal.

What do I stand for? I guess as I drive down the road anymore I don't have to ask that question, I just have to find the courage to stand up and out for the less popular of causes, the less popular of opinions. I stand for this:

Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me" John 14:6

I stand for Him.

Deserving lives

I always worry when a lady comes through our housing and then moves on to something new.  I know in my heart that we are "transitional" housing and even with the ups and downs we often go through, all the ladies are destined to move on; but it doesn't stop me from worrying. 

Are they moving on too fast?  Have they thought of everything?  Did they save enough money before moving into their own place?  Do they feel they can still call for support and help?  Do they know where to go and who to call if things don't go as planned?  Are they remembering to open the Bible in the quiet moments? the scary moments? the uncertain moments? 

It feels something like the day your child heads off to college or moves into their first apartment.  You want everything to go smoothly and you want them to protect themselves from a world that might not have their best interest at heart. 

For our ladies, the ones coming through our housing, they have often been at the wrong end of those decisions.  Many have stolen, taken advantage of or conned someone in their past.  But during their time in prison or jail, they met someone who changed their heart.  As corny or trite as it might sound, the profound truth is, they met their personal Lord and Savior and gave their hearts to Him.  Their lives started over that day; literally reborn into a new creation and because of this fact alone, they are like children, learning about the world from a new set of rules, lenses and beliefs.

His new creations are moving on and sometimes we hear from them, sometimes we don't.  When we do, it usually means they are wanting to share with us the excitement of their new lives, their jobs, small successes, the first time they paid their rent on time.  Simple things that we take for granted each day but for them, a triumph! 

When we don't hear from them, when they don't leave a forwarding address, it usually means that life got the better of them and their new life was too much for them.  They found it easier to go back to drugs, prostitution or places where they are likely to find themselves going back through the system.  Those are the ones we worry about.  The ones who couldn't take hold of the simple things like asking for help, finding new friends to support their new lives, finding healthy routines tend to choose the familiar.  The familiar that was easier but not preferable.

Mark and I come to love the ladies that walk through our doors; the easy to love and the not so easy to love.  We want the best for them and we view them with the same eyes that we view our children; with love and acceptance despite their sometimes difficult behavior.  We don't mean this in a condescending way but in a loving, caring way.  We simply have allowed God to open our hearts to seeing people for the wonderful creations they are in their individuality; with their own set of passions, creativity and talents. 

This week I will be at the Austin/Travis County Roundtable discussing the options and challenges of housing, employment, education and family reunification for those coming out of prison.  This group is dedicated to bringing together community stake holders in the reentry arena.  But what most don't seem to understand, what the vast majority of the communities in which we all live don't seem to understand is the larger picture from the smallest vantage point.  Each lady we serve represents someone who has something new to give; but are often not given the opportunity to contribute because of their past.  Reentry issues are issues for everyone to consider; from the foodstamps that are used by these reentry candidates to the social services that are used by each that tax our state and city budgets.  Those are the socio-economic considerations of the women in our housing.

They are important.  They are vital to making safer communities.  They are vital to the lives of individuals.  But they do not even begin to speak to the Christian values so many of us hold dear; taking care of our neighbors,  loving others as we love ourselves, loving our enemies, giving when we don't want to give; giving to those we don't find worthy of the giving.  Opening our wallets, homes, jobs to those that don't meet standards that are harder and harder to meet. 

Do you worry about your children? your family? your community?  Then I encourage you to worry about someone who's just been released from jail or prison.  They too have needs, often unmet because their needs and their lack can often be linked to their crimes and that makes them undeserving of our charity.  But I ask you; have you considered worrying about them?  Caring for them? Reaching out to them?  Consider how Jesus might respond to a closed door because of a crime, a sin; then consider how He might view your attitude toward one of His creations, one of the least of these His creations. 

I was one of those not that long ago.  I wasn't worthy of anyone's charity or care.  I know this.  I had committed crimes that cost my community and my state in court dollars, jailing/housing costs and even medical care while incarcerated.  I cost innocent community members a financial loss.  I even cost my family in storage fees, travel expenses and moving expenses for my daughter.  But in God's eyes, it didn't make me unworthy of His love, His grace, His attention to my life and because of this there isn't a single one of those that reach out to us that don't deserve our love, resources, time and energy to move them from lives in contempt toward their community to lives in communion with God and His children.

God bless all those who enter our home and God bless all those who walk through our housing programs.  And God bless you for caring, about them and about me. 

Ministry is more than numbers

Mark and I spent the weekend in Whitney, TX for a one day women's conference. Many of the women I had met at a conference in October of last year, many were new friends we had the privilege of sharing the day with. Through that conference I had been invited to give my testimony and talk about how that baby faith turned from a decision for Christ into full time ministry.

It was an exciting time of sharing and praising God for all He does in our lives. I cannot thank June Donohue, Barbara Spencer and the ladies of Women of 3 Crosses Ministry enough for having the confidence in me to invite me to speak and share my life with the faith-filled ladies that joined us after a week of snow and stormy weather!

We were a small group but as our praise/worship leader, Jay Johnson said "I'm not about numbers, I'm about souls, one at a time if that's what God does."


Let's rejoice and be glad in every day we are gathered in His Name!

Athens retreat brought out new compassion with all of us

God always has a plan and He certainly did when He put it on my heart to take the ladies in our housing unit to a one and a half day conference in Athens, TX in January.

I had been planning and hoping for a while that a friend and recent releasee, Samantha could join us but things couldn't get worked out to let her come. One of our board members, Jeannie, joined me in rounding up the T. and Mary C. when unexpectedly we were blessed with the arrival of a third resident, Amber. She was two days out of rehab and incarceration when we piled her in a car with all of us and we took off three hours from the housing unit to praise, worship and learn about our wonderful God.

We were able to enjoy the wonderful teachings of Lurna Cumby, whom several of our board members were able to enjoy at the October Psalms 34:18 retreat in Clifton; the keynote speaker, Leslie Vernick and the wonderful vocal stylings of Sandie Dickie. The Cowgirl Get Together is an annual event and was sold out this year to 1100 women. Already they are planning a larger venue for next year! What a wonderful treat for us all.

While I try very hard to provide learning materials and my own personal testimony to the women we serve as a means to assist each woman in her growth in her relationship with Christ, meetings and retreats like this are so much more powerful when added in the presence of such worship and praise that cannot be duplicated anywhere else with hundreds of women all of one heart.

To top off the great weekend, the ladies we took with us were able to meet some of the ladies heading up Women of 3 Crosses, women who have reached out to our friend, Samantha for quite some time while Samantha was still in her season of incarceration. What a joy it was to have a picture of sisters meeting for the first time and what a joy to watch new friendships in His Name form instantly.

As if all this wasn't enough, for those of us old enough to remember this pizza parlour, Jeannie and I were able to reminisce about our favorite pizza joint in Columbia, MO as we found one in Athens that looked the same! Still old style signs and building, we were thrown back to our youth and Jeannie's college days.....Columbia may not have a Ken's Pizza anymore, but Athens still does and wow, what fun to shoot a couple of quick pics on our way out of town.

Does God provide, yes He does! Does God heal, yes He does! It is hard to explain or describe what happens in the hearts of the women as they walk through their lives post jail time; but often it includes conflict among themselves, continued conflict with their families and conflict with the world; but for a brief moment, a weekend away, five ladies shared a hotel room, coolers full of food, and a day and a half of learning and sharing and basking in God's love. It makes the ministry so worth while!

God's view

Recently I had the privilege to speak at a woman's support group for those on parole or probation. I have attended these weekly meetings several times so when asked to speak, God was quick to lay upon my heart a message He has been developing in me over the last four years.

Max Lucado wrote a beautiful book for the children of his church in San Antonio called "You are Special" and I have read it several times since coming to Chirst, finding in it a lovely message of God's view of us in contrast to how the world views us. This child's story tells us about a people called Wemmicks who spend their days placing stars and dots on one another depending on their opinion of that Wemmick. And each Wemmick places alot of value and weight on these marks given. But the woodcarver, Eli, who made each of the Wemmicks has a different view of each one of them. He views them as special, unique and made perfectly.

This analogy is played out in our own world. Labels are placed on us, good and bad. For those who have broken the law, those who have fallen publicly short of anyone's expectations, those labels can be permanently damaging and oppressing. The stark differences of how the world views someone who has broken the law and walked through the public process of adjudication and how God views us as believers has to be retaught or in many cases, taught for the very first time.

God's love for us and His names for us as children of His Kingdom exhort and lift us in ways that the world will refuse to do. As a woman walks through the world with her new worldly labels of criminal, felon, ex-offender, inmate, thief, drug addict, prostitute, worthless, unworthy; she begins to take on and believe those labels and because of the deep belief that takes root, she may continue to act out in the ways expected of her. Where there is no hope, there is often behavior that demonstrates no hope and faith in something different for one's life.

But God is the God of love, hope, and life abundant. He is the author and finisher of our life and grasping His plans for us and His gentle and tender view of us can mean the difference between living in death or rising in life under the covering blood of Jesus. Holding onto God's names for us can start us on a path of walking in the life the God created us to walk in. We are His creation.

We first see His image of us in Genesis 1:26-27

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness.”

So God created man in His own image;

He created him in the image of God;

He created them male and female.


He created you with His beauty inside you, made of Him and by Him. That is a wonderful picture to take hold of; we are of God, like God and in God in all ways. In our Spirit, He is there.

Psalm 139:13-18 tells us about our personal creation and His intimate knowledge of us.

For it was you that created my inward parts,

You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I will praise you because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful

And I know this very well.

By bones are not hidden from you

When I was made in secret

When I was formed in the depths of the earth

Your eyes saw me when I was formless.

All my days were written in your book and planned

Before a single one of them began.

God how difficult your thoughts are for me to comprehend,

How vast their sum total is.

If I counted them

They would outnumber the grains of sand,

When I wake up, you are still with me.

Look at the words used; fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful, planned. How wonderful that God took the time to plan us and our lives out perfectly. He cares for us, thinks about us and planned us Himself.

1 Sam 16:7

Man does not see what the Lord see, for man sees what is visible but the Lord sees the heart.

The Lord sees something deeper than what they world can see or know. God sees our heart. He knows who we are in Spirit, not just in our behavior or status in the world. His view is larger, grander, complete.

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

We are now something new, something intended by God. We are God's intentions. And He has special thoughts of us each day.

Some of those thoughts or identities are:

Daughters of the most High God

Heirs

Beloved

Chosen

Bought by the blood of Christ

Justified

Sanctified – the goal of sanctification is progressive conformity to the image of Jesus Christ.

Made right or righteous

Do not think for a moment that I am diminishing the struggles and challenges that face you as you begin your new life outside the walls of jail, prison or within the confines of parole or probation; for we have an unforgiving community and legal system that at times forgets they too fall short of the Glory of God as we did. Our challenge is in the public way we may have fallen short and the many laws that at one time were created to protect us that have become harsher and used more vindictively rather than protectively for the greater good.


For some, you may not have broken the law of your state of community but you have in a public way walked against the social norms that have made you outcast. You feel the harsh world labels that are placed upon you. I encourage you as well to think about God's view of you. His love for you is vast and unending. His delight in you is constant; His belief in you is unending. His call to you is perpetual.

Through my experience I have learned to trust in a God who is bigger than the court in which I stood, the jail in which I was housed and the state in which I continue to reside. I trust in a God who sees in me everything other than my sin, my crimes, and my failings. I trust in a God who can came not to condemn the world but bring life and life more abundantly. And this includes even me!

We live in a world where there will always be someone, or some organization or some group that wants to oppress us and keep us where they think we should be. But we will always be guided by and loved by a God who knows the larger picture and can help us get to where He wants us to be.

So no matter who you are, what you’ve done or how much you do or don’t have; remember that your God is in charge and waits only for an invitation to take you where He intended you to be! And when the world reminds you who they think you are with their labels and names and convictions; look to your God to remind you who you really are. Remove the dots and stars of the world and shine only in His light!

Bringing in 2011

Crucial to a life in Christ for the new believer after a period of incarceration rests in one’s adoption by a supportive Christian church family. This connection provides them with a sense of belonging and inclusion into society. The crux of Jesus’ final commandment is love shared between Christian brothers and sisters. Once an inmate experiences prison life and the resulting societal rejection; any sense of spiritual connection becomes jeopardized. Feeling the full onslaught of daily pressures, coupled by the roadblocks put up by their reduced legal and citizenry status allows openings for old desperate habits to surface. Feeling love within a church family can remind the new Christian that God especially loves them.

1 Cor 12:22

In fact some parts of the body that seem weakest and least important are actually the most necessary. And the parts we regard as least honorable are those we clothe with the greatest care. So we carefully protect those parts which should not be seen while the more honorable parts do not require this special care. So God put the body together such that extra honor and care are given to those parts that have less dignity. This makes for harmony among the members so that all the members care for each other. If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad.

I got a call today from a woman I have discipled since Feb of this year. Upon release from TDC she was placed on probation and they required, no matter what support she had elsewhere, within a new church and Christian family, to return to her county of offense and transfer after obtaining $1000 through employment. She could not accept a job in another area of the state without first meeting this requirement. Her probation officer also required her to "reside" at a predetermined "halfway house" that currently allows for 5 minutes of prayer/church time a day. She can attend a church which they have chosen that lasts less than 10 minutes.

As we spoke today, I could hear her plea for help and support. We talked about where she had been and how her time there must never be forgotten. She passionately talked about her battle to remember where she was just two short weeks ago. She has already seen a roommate relapse. She's already heard most of her "bunkies" moan about getting up at 6:30 AM; she gave a lecture to them about what time they were all required to wake in prison (3:30 AM if they wanted clean clothing for the day). She's already in the battle of her life in the program that the County is requiring she walk through and it has nothing to do with her new walk with Christ, her new status as a daughter of the most High God or her new determination to be a Godly woman after God's own heart.

I would like to say that I seldom get riled up about "the system" to the point of wanting to take action and it's a tough system to really battle but when I hear the pleas of one having no one else, no family or old friends who would support her decision to walk a new life and she truly is struggling to remain faithful to her prayer time and study time in God's word, how can I not speak out.

Not every woman who walks out from behind the bars of a county or state facility have the luxury as I did; to stay with a woman who wanted nothing more than to see me grow in faith and my relationship with Jesus Christ. I was blessed and I remember to this day that wonderful gift of time to help form in me a new creation; a new woman.

Every believer is a part of "the church" and every believer has some obligation to offer forgiveness and opportunity. The longer I work in prison ministry, the more I realize that there are plenty of ways to serve in prison ministry at arms length if that is all one can feel comfortable doing.

As we start 2011 in just a few days, I thought I would help you with a list of things to consider:

* call your local larger employers and advocate for "second chance" employment opportunities

* find out about employer tax credits and bonding programs available for those offering ex-offenders the opportunity for employment

* consider business opportunities for yourself where you might be able to build an ex-offender friendly environment

* help educate employers about the challenges faced by new releasees including probation and parole meetings, AA and other 12 step meetings and other requirements placed upon the ex-offender

* talk to your local ministries serving this population and find out where the struggles remain

* educate yourself about the ways ministries struggle to offer all the services needed and the agencies that might best coordinate and work cooperatively with these ministries, then find out who you know who might work at such agencies; help make connections within the body of Christ

* talk to your church family about locating those in the congregation who can and are willing to offer their professional services to someone coming out of prison; medical, dental or legal assistance as a ministry function

* encourage your church to take on a prison ministry as a mission field

* embrace the few men and women who may enter your church who have served time, they are reaching out to see and feel God's love; remember that you might be the only glimpse outside the cell doors they see of Him

* donate clothing, food, grocery and super store gift cards, hygiene products, writing materials, journals, stamps and envelopes, calling cards and study materials to your local housing ministries including women's prison ministries

* consider "sponsoring" a woman's entrance into a halfway house or transitional housing program (usually $200-300)

* call your County officials and get involved with their reintegration planning in your local area; they have a state mandate to have a program in place

*get educated about your local community; how many ex offenders are being released back into your county and home town so you are aware of the needs

* finally, pray, each and every day that a new child in Christ coming back out into the free world can and does find what they need to succeed.

Make a choice that 2011 is the year you get involved, get excited about Christ and the changes he makes in the lives of those behind bars. Remember that most of the individuals currently serving time WILL see the light of day. Most come out wanting to change but few have the support, coping skills or new tools to make it.

As true believers, you know Christ today works in the lives of ALL his children! He is working inside some dark places that many of you will never see or know about. He is alive and well inside the county jails and prisons; changing the hearts and lives of many hurting women inside and those leaving. He is stirring the desires for change in them and perhaps even in you as you read this!

We know this! But we also know that what brought many to their time of incarceration is a powerful force that preys on the weak and without God and prayer, the darkness easily can take over. Don't let it. Love your new sister in Christ as you meet her or help those who are working hard to serve in this unique mission field. Just take action.

Tomorrow I'll be making phone calls and writing letters to insure that those who are working with my friend get a full picture of her support network she will have when she can make it to our ministry housing. Tonight I will lift her in prayer.

God bless you all as you look to 2011 with hope and faith; as you reach out to God to show you how best to serve His Kingdom and how best to walk out your love for Him and His children.

I know the thoughts I think toward you......

Recently I've had the honor of giving my personal testimony at a women's retreat in Clifton, TX, a probation/parole support group in Round Rock, TX and now have been invited to Whitney, TX and into Lane Murray Unit with Linda Strom to again share the wonderful work of God in my life. I cannot tell you how much sharing God's amazing work with others means to me. I cannot begin to express how His love for me in my most sinful season and His use of me since that day on my knees has changed my heart and my life's direction. All I can do is share my story whenever He asks me to and pray His message and His words fall from my mouth.

But the beauty of our personal testimonies is not in the story itself; its in the process that continues as we walk with Christ in our life! My testimony doesn't end til the day He brings me home to Him and that alone is a miracle worth sharing! Each day He works with me, molding me as the potter does and slowly transforming my life into something beautiful that He can show the world - "This is my creation, made in my likeness...." I am His. I am humbled and made meek at the thought of His love for me, His attention to my life and His call upon me that was chosen just for me.

I have lived most of my life in the past, fretting over a misspoke word or hiding from a deed that caused me shame. I regretted lost relationships. I mourned old loves. I tormented myself over past opportunities. Hope wasn't something I felt in my heart because hope had to do with today and tomorrow but I was mired in yesterday. But scripture tells us "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" Heb 11:1 (NKJV) God has revealed my past to me only to share with me my need for Him but not for any purpose in His future for me. My new faith tells me He has other plans that have nothing to do with my past and only to do with His plans for me and I am reminded out of bondage comes His promise in Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" (NKJV)

While I can live in the past and only see what is behind me, I gain nothing in my surrender and belief in my Lord Jesus Christ. Or I can choose to look forward to His promises of today and tomorrow! I can live with the assurance He knows and meets my daily needs and His plans for me are far more glorious than I could ever imagine.

I have no idea what He has planned. I only know that today I am to tell my story, He keeps adding to it and together with my face turned toward Him I am prepared to be His hands and feet.

I love my Lord, I love the story He is weaving in my life and I am grateful, gloriously grateful that He chose to use me. While I rush through my days and stop as often as I can to call upon Him, remember Him and look to Him; what a comfort it is to know "...I know the thoughts I think toward you..." are constant and never failing. To God be the Glory!

God’s Daughter

What a joyous thing it is when our prayers are answered, despite how they might look!

I was a single mother, raising two kids, holding down a responsible job that demanded both my time and my emotional energy but the work – well I truly loved it and felt I was making a difference. Problem was, I had problems of my own.

I was married in 1979 to the man I felt I would spend the rest of my life with but despite even my best laid plans, that just didn’t happen. Some blame me. Some blame him. All that doesn’t matter. What matters are the results of those decisions and the life that began that day in January of 1997. I went from almost holding on to sanity to a just barely sane existence cleverly disguised as a mother, student and professional volunteer director in the non-profit sector. My professional life grew as my educational goals were met but my heart remained broken and my spirit remained empty and void of substance.

As a child, my life looked pretty ordinary. I was the baby daughter of a professional father and stay at home mother. I had an older brother that enlisted in the Air Force at 18 and was gone for the better part of my high school years. Though my parents divorced when I was ten, we still looked pretty normal for the mid 70’s. Divorce was becoming less and less taboo. Single moms were entering the work force and shortly after I entered high school, my Mom took a full time job at a local dry cleaner.

I never really wanted for much. My mom was a responsible woman who paid her bills, had a couple of credit cards “for emergencies only” and for the most part kept all topics of financial management quiet. It was considered a personal topic. But though we lived in a modest apartment and I didn’t always wear the latest designer this or that, I still had much of what a teenager wants and needs. My mom’s family was close by, we had regular celebrations at Christmas and Thanksgiving and the 4^th of July. There were lots of things that normal families went through but there were some things that weren’t so ordinary. There were and probably still are secrets.

There was the “big secret” I held in my heart, the one no one else knew about. The childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my step grandfather that started at about age 12 and went on each visit until I was about 16 when I could come up with a viable enough excuse to cease the visits lay as a bitter secret I would not tell anyone until I was 35 years old.

I kept this secret and from all outside appearances, to most people I looked like an intelligent, accomplished, professional woman.

What I didn’t set out to be was a criminal or a convicted felon. I can honestly say that I didn’t put a lot of thought into what I was doing those three days I went on a spending spree at the expense of others. I just knew that something inside me no longer cared to keep up the sane exterior and a big part of me thought “you can do this, you’re smart enough to get away with it.” One December day I was working for the State, traveling almost daily, usually late into the night, leaving my 15 year old daughter behind and usually robbing Paul to pay Peter; keeping all kinds of financial wolves at bay. I was making a decent living and had child support but never did the ends seem to meet.

Christmas was approaching and I was again on the road to take a child from one placement to another. This 17 year old had disrupted each foster home placement and I was frustrated to say the least. Driving from Round Rock, Texas to Fort Worth to transport this young man from his second placement to his third placement, I watched the gas gauge drop lower and lower. Knowing I would have to use the last few dollars in my bank account to make the round trip, I remembered a gift card in my brief case designated for another foster family. Slowly, with conflicting emotions of “yes” and “no” I pulled the gift card out and stopped at a Target in Mesquite and filled the gas tank, bought some lunch and a charger for my cell phone. I tossed the card back into my brief case and finalized my trip back home to Georgetown.

At some point, something inside just snapped. I can’t explain it. I can’t justify it or rationalize it and even at the time I knew I was risking more than I was willing to lose but something in my moral barometer was just gone. My gas tank was full but the gauge that measured right from wrong was flipping and swirling around like a roulette wheel. The white ball bounced in my mind and I was clearly and quickly out of control.

That night, when I returned to Georgetown, I went to Target again to purchase a new sweater to wear to court the following morning. Part of my job included testifying in child custody cases and this was to be my first termination hearing in my career so I wanted to look the part. With the anger and resentment of the eight hour trip to Fort Worth, Mesquite and back home still raging inside me, I again pulled out the card and readied myself to commit another crime of theft. I walked through the store and picked out a few items, including several Christmas gifts for my own children (my budget was tapped and I had already told my children Christmas would have to wait until January again when I got my income tax refund, a common occurrence for us but something that this time just didn’t feel right.) When I got to the register however, the woman in front of me had left her credit card in the register machine and rather than pull it out and call her back, as the purchases were rung up I slid the card back in and walked out with yet another felony event under my belt.

I cannot really recall all that transpired from this point forward. Though not altered by drugs or alcohol, I was altered by a false and evil sense of anger and entitlement that pushed me to what I am told was a three day spree of using credit cards and gift cards that were not mine. I filled our pantry with food, loaded our tree with gifts and threw in several luxury items for my home and myself such as new bedding and clothing for my office attire. The woman, who had lived most of her life getting what she wanted, took that materialistic desire past the bounds of bad financial management and into the realm of felonious behavior. I was lost, emotionally and spiritually. I had gone from a spend thrift to a thief in the matter of days.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame my crimes on the abuse as a child or the broken home or the lack of money management skills I had been taught or the fact that I was pretty much a spoiled child most of my life. I don’t blame my crimes on being overworked or overtired. I don’t blame my crimes on anything other than myself and irrational bad thinking that today still shock my spirit and heart.

What I’ve come to know, however, is that when I sit down and talk with the women in jail and prison that I work with, their stories all start out a lot like mine. Some more tragic, some more simple, some more complex. But we share a common thread. We all came to a moment when our decisions, our best laid out plans fell on the sidewalk like a used gum wrapper and tossed about in the wind without direction or purpose, turning quickly to rubbish. We all felt but didn’t acknowledge that we lacked a loving relationship that felt constant and alive in our hearts and somewhere, one day along our life journey, we just gave up trying.

Less than a month after my crime spree, I found myself sitting inside the Georgetown Police Department and denying with all my might any wrongdoing (I had watched way too much prime time crime shows, I was pleading the 5^th and hoping they’d just take my word for things.) Finally, remembering I had one friend who was a lawyer, I asked to speak to her before I did anything else (yes, I “lawyered up”) and then called my son to insure my daughter, then 15 would be met at home when she returned from school.

I can pretend I wasn’t guilty but I was. I can pretend I didn’t deserve what I got but I did. I can blame it on everyone else or I can take responsibility for the fact that my choices have always been my choices; good or bad. But what I can never do is look back now with regret.

The short story of my life is that I had lived without God in my life my entire life. I had been an unchurched child grown into an unchurched woman who knew nothing about a loving God. I never knew there was a God who wanted more for me than I could even dream for myself. And while I was unchurched and unknowing about our Lord Jesus Christ, I had more than once prayed to a God out there somewhere, usually saying “if you are really there…” for something I felt I needed.

And the night before I was arrested I had prayed to God to “save me from myself”.

What a joyous thing it is when our prayers are answered, despite how they might look! God heard my prayer that night and knowing who I was and how I had lived my life to that point, seeing my life from beginning to end and knowing what His plans for me had always been, He stopped me dead in my own tracks and decided it was time we talked.

My college educations didn’t save me. My high IQ didn’t save me. My knowledge of the law, my skills working with people, my ability to con my way into or out of most all situations didn’t save me.

My Lord Jesus Christ saved me. He called me into His family and greeted me warmly, lovingly and without reservation when I chose to invite Him in. With the help of visiting clergy and the slow and patient discipleship I was offered, I came to know Jesus as Lord and knew that nothing in my life would ever again be the same. Slowly God revealed to me His true nature, His full love and His attentive eyes upon my life.

It may have happened in a dark jail cell on the Southside of the Williamson County jail but God met me there. He calmed my spirit, stilled the raging storm inside my soul and allowed me to walk through six months behind bars when I didn’t think I could wake up there one more day. In time, He opened my heart to the reality of my life and the many things He had in store for me to do. He continues to work with me, walk with me and correct me when my flesh attempts to take over. I have learned to love Him, trust Him more and more and want to share with others that He can and will meet you wherever you presently find yourself. If He met me in jail, He’s willing to go anywhere, anytime to bring another of His children home to His heart.

Today, as my new husband Mark and I work toward building permanent transitional Christian housing for women coming out of prison and jail, I know God is at hand in our lives. Spirit House Ministries, Inc. was built to serve and glorify our loving God by meeting the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of God’s daughters. We are often confused, questioning and uncertain where and what to do next. But always, always with confidence we know God is at work in our lives and I am ever grateful He calls me “daughter”.