Thursday, October 1, 2009

Mindless pursuits

Sometimes its easy to live a mindless life with daily schedules, grueling work hours and to do lists that never end. We focus on the here and now. We check things off our list and move on to the next task. We drive to work and suddenly wonder about the highway we didn't see the whole way there. We eat dinner and by bedtime can't remember what we had. We click through tv stations and land on something that doesn't tax our brains or force us to reason. We lay down knowing tomorrow we will rise, start the day and the same mindless things will occupy our time.

I feel that way sometimes. I stare at paperwork, check off a list of must dos and can dos and will dos. I notice the clock and hours have passed. Sometimes Mark will ask me "what did you do today?" and I wonder, not really fast with an answer. I know I was busy.

I'm reading a letter from Kissy and she is anxious and excited about her upcoming release.

I remember the days counting down to my release; the plans, the thoughts of tomorrow, the arrangements to be made and the lists that have to be checked off. Yet, on my release day all I could do was sit in a sort of half daze. I walked out of the jail and the town I knew so well looked different. The evening sky was blue and clear. I hadn't seen the sky in months. Sitting in the van on the way to Joy's house I was on the phone with my Dad, leisurely talking and not rushed to get through a $5.00 a minute call. I watched familiar streets pass by my window. I took repeated deep breaths as we drove toward her house. In my haze I knew there would be no 4:30 meds call and no chow call at 5:30, I could sleep undisturbed and wake when my body had stored up some rest. I took in everything around me and it was a cloudy, sort of dream like movie in slow motion. I was fully in the moment and fully aware of the grace He had shown me through six months out of the world. I wanted this day to last forever as I just looked at everything as though I was seeing it for the first time.

The next morning we woke by 8 am in order to get to the courthouse and Megan's court date in hopes of assisting with her release. We were busy with preparing bibles for the delivery to the jail that afternoon and Joy still had several women to see before the day was done so I went into court so Megan could see a familiar face in the stranger crowd of the small court room. It wasn't long before my days of laying on my bunk, slowly reading scripture and spending hours in prayer were replaced again with lists, and to dos and schedules and tasks.

I hear Kissy's excitement and I know her desire to return to something normal and I wonder. I wonder if God intended us to rush through our days and spend so little time in prayer and attend to so many mindless tasks that we forget to pray or read or spend time alone with Him.

We are returned to a tv full of sights and sounds and temptations. We are returned to busyness for busyness sake. We quickly become wrapped up in life and plans and lists that it becomes a Sunday of Him and a week of us and it stirs my heart to know He intended we have something so much more. He created us to walk with Him in gardens and fix our minds on what is just and true and right.

It's 5:10 PM and I watch the clock turn minute by minute, frantically trying to finish this post before rushing out the door yet I rejoice. I am headed to bible study; a wonderful study with other women in my church and my busyness is the business of Him. I drive with purpose and thought. I fix my mind on what is just and true and right. I fix my thoughts on Him.

I have luxury in my life as I can schedule my days and monitor where my mind is taken. I am not wrapped up in the business of the world but can take moments when I need to in order to remember that our lives are not mindless ticking of time clocks but rather orchestrated destinies that He has given us and I walk calmly through my day, no matter how busy knowing it is always within my grasp to look at Him and talk with Him and share Him with others. That is luxury indeed.

I too have the mindless pursuits in my life; but because God is a grace filled and merciful God, He allows us to return to Him whenever we need, want or desire Him. He let's our minds drift and gives us the gift of choice to return to His pursuits. Some days are better than others but in those moments when our minds drift to places we often go, I think I'll be more mindful to fill my head with Him and if I travel down the highway and forget where I am, at least I'll be with Him and not some list somewhere.

He is my mindful pursuit.

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