Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Jesus wept.

I was once taught the shortest verse in the bible was "Jesus wept." (John 11:35)

Today I wept; I'm not sure if I wept with God, in submission to God, or because of God but I wept. Deep in my heart as I prayed for myself, my family, my sins, friends who are in times of despair and trouble, for endings and changes that I didn't understand, I wept. I cried out to God and I just let Him hear me in my most honest of places, sadness, confusion, resentments and angers that I know I have not let go. I bore my soul open as completely as I could to Him to receive His cleansing love and then I opened my eyes, picked up the phone and began my day again.

We have made large and radical changes in Spirit House, which of course should not surprise us as change seems to be God's way of putting us back into His will, but I cannot say I have done so without some guilt and sadness and confusion and yes, a tad bit of anger.

On Sunday night I found out another of the ladies I have ministered to since early 2010 is back in jail. A broken heart indeed and though I trust God is protecting her from herself, I am saddened and again wept for her this morning.

But the one thing I am most certain of; no matter how one interprets the passage, "Jesus wept." I know He did and therefore I know when I go to Him in tears, no matter their source, He understands and He accepts my weeping and hears my cries out to Him and I can trust His work that He immediately puts into motion. I know this because I trust His emotions, His weeping and His creation of our feelings. He gave us and created in us each and every emotion that passes through our hearts and because of this I can experience them, take them to Him and know without doubt that He understands them.

Yesterday was a good day; I accomplished much and felt totally buoyed by my Lord that He was seeing things get done that needed done and they were all happening so smoothly that only His hand could have been on the situation. The day ended with a frustrating conversation with Mark and for no other reason than we don't see eye to eye on how to close out some business in the old units and how to move forward in the new direction God is leading us. I can honestly say that neither of us has a clear direction right now and we pray and pray and still God hasn't given us that "booming" voice that we have been asking for, begging for actually.

So today I did all I knew to do; pray. And as soon as I began praying, I began crying. I cried out to the Lord and am confident that He is listening and acting. I have no fear that I wept for if my Lord wept over an event, His people or the condition of faith in the world; I too can weep and I can share this with Him who understands.

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