Yes, God's Got Her

She helps out in the chapel, during classes and works a job that starts at 3:45 am. She still smiles though. She feels the love of God and she knows that something inside has stilled her spirit. She's been working on a journal to document her journey and she has kept all the workbooks that she's finished. She's read them and re-read them.

She's an inmate.

She's been talking to a church member from her home town for two years now waiting for her parole answer to come back a "yes". She has a place to go and people ready to help her with all the challenges she will face. She is scared but she knows this time she's found a key she's never had before. She has someone, a Christian mentor, a woman willing to take her in, a plan with a real support system.

She's in love with God and she's learning to give her testimony. She turns red every time she does but filled with the Holy Spirit she's finding the boldness God gives to glorify Him. She's not waiting anymore. She's serving God by telling her story long before she gets out but she's counting the days. Even the Warden will miss her; everyone has come to know her as a true warrior for God and model inmate. Her behavior and demeanor has changed over time and she even sees the difference and wonders at where her patience and kindness is coming from.

She doesn't recognize herself. She's not the girl off the street. She's not the one turning tricks for a fix. She's strong and yet quiet. She reads and studies and is ready to take on the task of discipling others. She is ready. She has friends. She has a family that she hasn't met yet.

God's got her.

She is quiet the day she's released. She even cries because she feels she's leaving people behind, people who need her. She looks at the woman taking her back to her county and hometown but to a neighborhood she's never been. It's a Friday and all she can think is "Why can't this be Sunday, I need to praise God right now!" and then she remembers what she was taught, she can praise Him minute by minute, alone in her heart and she smiles and the car rolls on.

God's got her.

When she gets to church, she's introduced to the pastor and his wife, women in the women's ministry and other members of the congregation her mentor knows. Her head spins as they all hug and smile at her. They aren't making fun of her or talking about her, they are anxious to hear her testimony and how God worked in her life. They want her to attend their bible study, it started a couple weeks ago but they'd love her to join them. She smiles as everyone sings praise songs and she feels strangely at home.

God's got her. Someone in the congregation has some home repair work they need done and they offer her the opportunity to earn some money until she finds something full time. She paints a couple of bedrooms and gets to know them. They like her and she likes them. She works hard and remembers that passage about working as though working unto the Lord and she does. They watch her hard work and her meticulous skill. They tell some friends and another church members mentions his home decorating and repair business. It takes a few weeks but they offer her a job and she immediately says yes. She took classes on simple home repair, landscaping and painting interior and exterior work. She has the skill.

And God's got her.

It takes some time but slowly she saves money and another church member helps her find a car she can afford and her mentor takes her to get her drivers license. She's working and meeting once a month with her parole officer. Her PO is impressed with her progress and asks, "How is it you are doing so well?"

She replies,

"God's got me."

God's got her....

She's carried her bible almost everywhere they would allow her. She's read it each morning and night. She's faithfully attended each church service and bible study offered. She's brought others to Christ and accepted Him as her Lord and Savior. She's one of the most outspoken evangelists and she can quote more scripture than she can phone numbers she used to know by heart.

She's an inmate.

She doesn't wear her best navy blue dress and heels, pearl earrings and necklace. She doesn't curl her hair just so and check her makeup before walking into the big church on the corner, with the towering maple tree providing shade over the small playground fenced to the side of the chapel.

She wears white; white shirt, white pants, white tennis shoes if she's lucky. She carries a small print King James Version Bible she tries so hard to understand. She sings with her hands held high and tears flow as she stands in the presence of God and the church members who have come in to preach this Sunday.

Finally she knows what she's never slowed down enough to consider. God is real. He loves her and works in her life. She's behind bars, she believes, because God rescued her from herself. She talks about God at her work assignment and she lives in the faith based dorm. She wants a life different from anything she's ever known. She wants to live like the those that visit and teach. She wants to do so well outside that she can come back in to talk about the hope God provides.

Then she gets her answer. She has a release date and her head spins. She knows that in a few short weeks she will need to find a place to go. She starts making lists. Things to do that will make sure she's never here again. She has to find a church and she has to keep reading her Bible and she has to find a half way house because going home isn't safe or healthy. But she wants her children back and she wants a job that will support her and her children.

She gets a "yes" from a Christian transitional housing program and she's praising God that she has a place to go. She reads all about it and how they have Bible studies and church attendance and weekly service projects! Oh she wants to serve God! Besides this wonderful news she remembers all those classes she's taken so she has a lot to share with someone. She's taken so many classes and she's gotten a dozen certificates to show her parole officer how hard she's worked.

But...

Those certificates don't overshadow those boxes on the applications; "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

And the day she's released she is picked up by the housing coordinator and she tells her that she just wants to see her family for one night and get some of her clothes and things. The coordinator has seen this before and explains how its in her best interest to just take a night or two in the housing unit to prepare herself for her reunification with family and friends. She tries to give her best excuse and then says "I'm feeling really pressured now, I just want to see my family." And she is free, so the coordinator does as asked all the while knowing it would be the last time the coordinator saw this one until the next time she walks into a prison classroom.

She decided to go to a friend instead of a program. She decided to return home or to the place she was when she was arrested because they would take her back. Oh the programs she heard about sounded great while she was in jail but she reads the restrictions and the rules and she doesn't need that again. She just got out of jail and she doesn't need all that again. She can find a church and she can praise God and she will keep reading her Bible and pray when things get tough.

But...

Things are tough and she starts thinking, "I can do this." She forgets its God who does the battle for us. She forgets to ask God for help this morning and the next. And she doesn't open her Bible to remind her of what she learned. She has too much on her plate to take the time to do that. Besides, would she get so many no's if God were really on her side, and she starts believing the enemy. He's there telling her all about how God left her and forgot about her because her life is tough, tougher than she thought it would be this time because she has God.

Oh she went to church at first and to a recovery program there too but no one noticed her or even said hello. She did find someone who'd sign off on her parole paper that she attended the mandatory meetings as long as she'd sign off on theirs. That was something. But it wasn't God and it wasn't the focus on the Bible she remembered in prison. Things were different now. The God of the prison didn't seem to be the same God of the outside.

But...

She still prayed and she still wanted to believe all would be well. She would find a good job and she would have a great house and a pretty car soon. She was "standing on this" because someone told her to speak her desires over her life and her God would not forsake her. But it wasn't happening, at least not fast enough and that church family everyone talked about in all those classes, where were they?

But...

There was a family she knew that would take her in and things would feel right again. So she went back there, and did just one line and had a couple beers before she set out to pick up a stack of applications. She felt like she could conquer the world! A friend lent her a car to go to an interview but the inspection sticker was expired and she hadn't quite gotten her driver's license renewed yet and the lights behind her let's her know she's got a problem and suddenly, in the heat of the moment she cried out to God, the one she put aside for a while.

But...

this time, when she takes those classes, she'll talk more about what brought her here and it's just a parole revocation. And she'll make better choices because she wants to stop this cycle and she cries and sobs through her story and she asks each and every teacher that comes in, "Do you know of any good programs I can go to after I get out?"

And...

She's praying to God and she's learning to hear His voice. She's different than the other girls in her class because she's got it this time, she's finally gets it, she's going to make it and God's got her back.

Looking for the loopholes

Have you ever looked at the Bible as some outdated, rule filled, life sucking book of do’s and don’ts that was going to make your life miserable trying to live up to a standard that you knew you never had nor ever could hit?

Having only ever viewed the Bible as a set of rules and limitations on life, and as an unchurched first reader in 2007 you can bet I was searching for anything that would provide me a loophole or two. You know, a way to go about my life as though nothing had really changed. Now one might think during those lonely hours in F5 of the cold, steel jail cell, I might have been inclined to want everything to change in my life. But the honest truth is there were only some parts of my life I was willing to exchange with God for the promise of eternal life. In some ways I felt determined to remain in one spot, one life with the addition of God somehow.

Pro 26:11 says, “As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.” And while I’m not thrilled with being compared to a dog returning to his vomit, the picture in my mind was jolting enough to reconsider my train of thought. I understood my life hadn’t been working and it hadn’t been working for a long time. In fact, it hadn’t been working for about as long as I could remember! So again, you would think I would be ready to have anyone take over the macro and micro management of my life; in other words, everything from the biggest plans to the tiniest details. But I wasn’t.

Hence my search for loopholes. After all, that Proverb was but one line in that whole book, right? I wanted to find loopholes. I wanted to find a few legal disclaimers that said I could hold onto those parts of my life I chose and give to God what I wanted! Frankly, I didn’t want to think about dating without the prospect of physical intimacy. That seemed archaic! And I didn’t want to think I could never have another drink again, that wasn’t my problem! I was a thief, not an alcoholic! And I couldn’t imagine being satisfied with a life of poverty, after all, I wanted what the guy next door had and more! And truthfully, I didn’t really want to have to work as hard as he worked in order to have it (but we’ll pretend I wasn’t that disillusioned.) I didn’t want to have to give away my money to some church because let’s just say I did earn it, wasn’t it mine? I mean, I DID earn it? And let’s not get on the “sin” thing, or was I already? No, no, no; I mean the big sins…….okay, so the theft thing, that’s in the big ten but seriously. Okay I guess the wanting my neighbors things, that coveting thing. Got it but…well, let’s not look too close at that list after all.

The fool.

So I read and I read and I read. I read each and every verse. I tried to understand the stories, then the Proverbs and listened to the sweetly flowing Psalms and tried to decipher the parables. I tried to find somewhere that I could keep my life but add God. I mean, I was adding GOD! Right?

Luk 9:23 Then he said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me.

Luk 9:24 If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.

Luk 9:25 And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed?

Well great, just great, I thought. In order to have eternal life, I was told that I must “confess with my mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in my heart that God raised him from the dead and I will be saved” but now, the very Jesus this passage spoke of that carved out my salvation was also the Jesus that told me I had to give up everything to follow Him? My loopholes were gone in a flash and I was at once convinced and convicted that the Christian life was more than just “adding God” to my life or my repertoire of words or God-speak. I was really being asked to do some very specific things that I might have God in my life!!! And loopholes didn’t exist!

Let’s face it. When we’re sitting behind bars, awaiting trial or a parole answer or a commuting of our sentences or a reduction in our probation; we’re counting on loopholes and a fine twist by a clever advocate! Now Jesus was my advocate directly to God and I had to count on Him to find loopholes for me!

In life, we’re always counting on loopholes.

I was asked to do the sermon at Woodman State Jail on December 30th, 2012 and the Lord just seemed to move in powerful ways. Not only did He give me a Word to speak over the ladies in two services but He taught me so much in the process. I wanted to share the sermon with you.
However, I also want to share the special story I ended the sermons with here. A friend, fellow scrapbooker and crafter, spent some time recently in NYC and she is sharing her story of a picture she snapped of a special moment during that trip on her blog. Amy had a wonderful time with all the sights and adventures of New York. But without fail our God also gave her a gift that touched her far more deeply than a few memories she will no doubt later scrapbook.

Here is the sermon, I hope you enjoy it.

We are in that unusual time of year where many people put a lot of focus on the New Year both looking back over the year just past and at the same time looking forward wondering about tomorrow. We begin making plans and often a consistent tradition as an American is that of the “New Year’s Resolutions”.

I have to admit I’ve made a lot of them and I can’t say I’ve ever kept a single one. If I have, only God knows which one(s) it might have been but I sure couldn’t tell you! I can promise you though they are made with the best intentions, they are filled with many things common to us all…But one thing I bet is for sure, in doing so, in making a New Year’s resolution, it seems we have to look back to our “failures”, our “weaknesses”, our “things not done” in order to come up with resolutions for this New Year!

As I often teach in the faith based dorm at Woodman State Jail, when I think about conferring understanding of a lesson, I often begin with a dictionary definition that we can understand so we’re all on the same page…let’s take a look at that definition…..our word for today….”resolution”.

Webster’s defines “resolution” as the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

So in other words, WE have determined upon a course of action.

Unfortunately my observation has been in our culture, by making New Years resolutions it seems we are often saying to ourselves that we did not do something right last year that this year we want to do….something we want to change….something we want to improve on that we feel we failed at in the previous year….some way we just didn’t measure up to some standard, would you say that’s true? And would say you that the standards you are measuring yourself by are the world’s standard’s, your standard’s or God’s standards?

For me, in most of my New Year’s Resolutions I have centered them around either my standards or the world’s standards and, I have harshly condemned myself in many areas of my life!

See if this is true for you – I’ve focused on my health and weight loss resolutions (who can relate?) to areas such as how I treat others, how I have handled conflict, how to manage my anger or tempter, how often I help clean my house or how clean my house is, what ways I’ve managed my finances, how many projects I’m going to finish that I didn’t finish last year and on and on and on.

And then I start looking at what I would call my “Christian-ness”, the amount of time I’ve spent studying or being in God’s Word, praying, focusing on my relationship with Him, serving in my church, attending regular services, tithing, ministering to others and giving more to His work than to my needs or my personal time.

Bottom line, in most of my resolutions and in most of our resolutions I can bet we would agree, we beat ourselves up pretty good, even when it comes to our relationship with our loving and gracious God.

Well, I believe God has something different to say about the matter…….

In fact, Phl 3:13 … (Paul says in his writings to the Philippians) Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, (repeat that to yourself…”forgetting the past”) How many of you can say you can “forget the past and look forward” in your every day thinking….now I’m not talking about those times when you are in bible study and God has you gently going through a recovery from something that needs to be removed and healed, I’m talking about our every day stuff where most of our superficial resolutions come from!

Paul goes on to write … in … Phl 3:14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us. (NIV) My Holman’s Christian Standard Bible Version says it this way in Phil 3:13-14, 16 Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead, I pursue as my goal the prize promised by God’s heavenly call in Christ Jesus And Paul goes on in verse (16) to say, “In any case, we should live up to whatever truth we have attained.

God is asking us to forget our transgressions, our mistakes, our backslides and let Him cover those with your repentance and His sacrifice to move on to the promises He has made you!

Let’s look back into the Old Testament to…Isa 43:18 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.”

Isa 43:19 says “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

Can you see how in our New Year’s resolutions so many that are caught up in the past; they literally become prisoners to the past, so much so that they find it hard to move on from it. Their New Year is focused on the past and what wasn’t or what they think shouldn’t have been there. While others become so immobile or passive, not wanting to go forward, they almost become content in their “comfort zone”, even when that comfort zone is not good for them they will stay there. Still others are so lost -- looking both in the past and in the future so much they miss the present; the blessing of the moments that would be spent with Him if only they allowed it.

I know of some people who live in past blessings, talking about what God used to do, and what it was like years ago, what He did once upon a time in the Bible. I also know people who are only remembering blessings they once recognized and could see and I know this because I can say I have been one of them. I could only see the moves of God in my life from one specific time but often I could not see how He is continuing to move in my life today or trusting that He is when I cannot see it clearly. So I make resolutions to take over my life and manage things for myself forgetting that….

God is a God of the “now”, today His blessings are for us to enjoy and live out. Each and every day we should reach out to God for a new blessing, a new in soaking of His Holy Spirit, to be filled daily, with something new in God.

If we look at Jeremiah 29:11 (a scripture I bet many are familiar with) it reads “I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.” Plans speak of a future event, not a past event….and not a criticism of past events but just of a future; but hear it clearly….His plans, not ours (known as resolutions) and yet can we hear God’s loving grace?

Nowhere does he talk about the past and focusing on what was. He doesn’t say “I know the plans I had for you if only you had kept this resolution or this promise to me…” He doesn’t say that and He never will because we are covered by His new covenant.

Another favorite verse of mine one might in fact focus on the past but listen to the words carefully and see if you can see God’s determination for you to look forward with hope and anticipation….

Joel 2:25 says “I will restore the years the locust have eaten.” Yes, it talks about events in the past but not without a promise for the future and a promise of restoration! He is stating a fact of history but saying….here’s your future in My Hands.

God isn’t worried about our past!

He’s worried about our today, our acknowledgment of Him and our relationship with Him as well as how we will proceed and what our focus for our today will be. When we accepted Christ, our pasts were washed clean in His sight. So why are we so unable to do the same for ourselves?

Now I know what you’re thinking……what about goals, plans, objectives. What about hearing God’s voice and trying to walk that out. Hey! If you are certain you are hearing God’s voice clearly and you know the plans He has for you then walk them out but don’t make them another “resolution” that won’t be kept. Walk them out with certainty and vitality! Be zealous in your goals and plans as laid out by God!

But what about those of us who aren’t certain that we know His plans for us, our purpose? And those of us who keep taking back the steering wheel from God. Where does this leave us? What will we focus on if not the things that torment us from our past or the plans we can make with our limited resources and our tunnel vision of this reality and this world?

Because if I’ve learned anything --This truly isn’t God’s plan for us! So let’s let God open up to you a whole new beginning where you can step forward; away from the failings, away from the broken dreams, away from the brokenness and sadness and disappointments of yesterday. Are you ready for that?

Mat 6:33 says, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, don’t worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself? Each day has enough trouble of its own.” If we’ve put tomorrow in God’s hands to let Him handle (I know, hard hard hard to do) and we’ve put yesterday in His hands because as His children we can…we now can focus on “seeking first His Kingdom and His righteiousness”….

God’s will for us is first to seek His Kingdom and in doing so aren’t we seeking Him? For is it not through Him that we find His Kingdom and His righteousness?

***I think of a time when I spent hours a day in study and reading the Bible. My time in the Word made it come alive for me and I felt I had all I needed. In fact, I was heard to say “I can do this; I have my God and my Bible, what else do I need?” And I walked that out for months with a confidence I have felt few times since….But soon the world crept in and I spent less and less time in the Word and less and less time reading the Bible and less and less made sense to me and the “aliveness” of His word seemed to fade. Not because He took it from me but because as the world climbs into our hearts, it pushes Him out. For it is His righteousness that truly gives us Him, and in our hearts as He dwells there, we grow in love and relationship with Him.

I can’t tell you the times I’ve missed this lesson and the times I’ve struggled with my relationship with Him but if I would put aside my worldly worries as directed in Matthew 6:33, I might find less battles within myself and more time to just enjoy Him and His presence in my life!

So how do I seek His Kingdom? Do you feel like you know? I’m not sure I knew until I started working on today’s lesson and I think I finally found some places to plant myself for a few minutes….

I think He gives us a firm direction in Philippians 4:8-9

Those in the faith based dorm or have been in J3 (that wonderful place God has planted me to serve in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice) have heard me speak many times on this very scripture and the more I read it, the more application in my life I find. At times I see this scripture as a way to help me view my fellow man and overlook the things I find that cause strife. I’ve used it to teach harmony and peace in the dorm. In fact I’ve taught often on this in the dorm, explaining that if we focus on the things of Philippians 4:8-9, we have little time to focus on the drama and trauma around them.

But yesterday as I read what Paul had written, I began to see something new; God’s direction in finding Him, His Kingdom, His presence and His peace. Let’s read what Paul has been inspired by God to teach us.

Phl 4:8- 9 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. (Is it just me or is Paul describing Jesus?) Let’s go on to (9) Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me (remember, this is Paul talking, not me!), or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

He’s described Jesus and then described what Jesus has taught him (Paul) that he would like to pass on and in doing so has given us a resolution of where to put our energies not just at the beginning of the year but each and every day knowing as we have been taught, that God’s grace is new every day….

So I would leave you with this thought, if you are determined, as we all so often are – to make New Year’s resolutions, I might suggest what I have determined. First, be gentle with yourself as God is gracious and gentle with you. Focus on the scriptures for the areas that need the work God wants to do in you; it’s personal…and for me it starts with….

Mat 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Finally, Leslie, stop focusing on what you do not have but what is right in front of you, the Lord of Lord and King of Kings who invites you into His Kingdom!

And Leslie, focus on Phl 4:8- 9 … whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. In other words, focus on Jesus! And the God of peace will be with you.

It is in these next final passages that God shows His love for us, His desire for our attention to specific areas of our lives and of the world around us. I think if God would come to each of us and write our New Year’s resolutions for us, they would look much like these scriptures.

2Cr 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (And Paul continues to write) Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Paul isn’t saying to beat yourself up but to recognize where you are weak God can make you strong! Who needs a resolution if your King will step in where and when you need Him and just take over?

What resolution do we need if God’s Grace covers us and He is always at work in our lives except a focus on Him and His Word?

…(2Cr 9:8 And Remember God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. I would challenge you as I challenge myself….to focus not on our past year or a year ahead that we can beat ourselves up over….but to focus on what God is willing and able to do in our lives! Will we let Him? Will we resolve to focus not on what we didn’t accomplish or didn’t do or must do or should do but what God can do and what He longs to do in our lives?

A friend of mine is visiting New York City this week in anticipation of a New Year’s Eve on Time’s Square and she posted a moving picture of a man on his knees, on his folded coat, in front of a nativity scene. His head was bowed and his hands were folded in prayer. She said she sat and watched him for several minutes as she saw the sincerity wash over the man as he give thanks and glory to His King. She was so awe struck she snapped a quick picture because she wanted to remember this moment and the look on his face and she posted it on Facebook to share with us with this caption….“I resolve to filter out the noise this year and listen closer for God's will and direction. I've spent 2012 learning to trust Him. I have a feeling 2013 will not disappoint. Thanks be to God.” – Amy A. -- Please visit her blog at www.sewcialbutterfly.com

Rickey

I headed up to Woodman State Jail today and well, found out I wasn't scheduled to be there so the week kinda got messed up on me. The hard part of prison ministry is "getting into the prison" at times. The harder part is getting your heart to move the rest of your body when it doesn't want to go but it knows there are 40+ ladies depending on you! That's where I am in....in that mental place where its hard to do the right things because things aren't exactly going right your way!

Maybe you've experienced this? My heart knows I need to "feed" His sheep with as much teachings as I can while the pocket book smiles docilely up at you saying "gas money, no such thing here!" And you take a big deep breath, call each credit card to check for any open balances and then check your bank account one more time. And it's the holidays only you have no holiday spirit in you, just a lot of doldrums because like it or not, all you can think of is your own lousy situation.

Then you remember you're in ministry and you plant that fake smile on and you take out the last twenty from the "there's goes our Thanksgiving" envelope and you do what you know you should do! Go out and spend time with those so much less fortunate than we.

Because there are some. There are folks out there who have lost homes, family, their freedom, their ability to be with or call a relative. There are those who are listening not for car doors to let them know the family has arrived but for rocket fire above their heads. There are those who are behind bars who weather every storm with a Chaplain and a few clergy who give their time once or twice a week doing all we can to encourage, uplift, teach and share so that their lives might take a turn in a direction other than the one they walked in from, just this last time.

We know each of us can think of a reason to be sad, or feel less fortunate than another. We know we get covetous of friends or family who appear to have more. We get jealous at all those out during Black Friday who can afford to be there! Afford to be spending while we can't. And we begin to mope around like a baby, whining over little things and forgetting the big things.

Then I got home, to be greeted by a letter from "Rickey", an inmate on death row down in Florida. To say I had forgotten about him is a gross overstatement, I had not. To say it had been far too long since I've written him is a gross understatement! Rickey and I connected back in 2007 when he was sitting on death row for the murder consummated during a drug deal gone bad over 23 years ago. He was 18 at the time and was then in his early 40's. Today he's in his mid-40's and grateful for every day.

When I started writing Rickey he said he understood I was a good Christian woman and that was fine, he was just looking for someone to write to and a friend who would hear his story. Today, as he sits in county jail, facing over a two year battle there for a re-sentencing hearing, he talks about praising God and thanking God for each new day, another day he has been given.

You see, Rickey understands the joys of seeing a sunrise and knowing today is not "that day". He understands the value of a mailed letter with a story inside he can read and enjoy. He understands the value of a small gift of time or a few dollars on his books to buy pens and paper to keep up his own correspondence and he knows the joys of an extra dollar for a soda this month.

I think as I start out tomorrow and I think about our year, I'll think about that instead of the things I've been ticking off in my head of what I don't have. I think I'll reconsider my life in terms of his life and how sometimes I'm just a whiner, what God must think of that! Indeed!

Most of all, I'll look around the room and remember that though this may not be my perfect Thanksgiving, it is the one I have been given and I should be happy and rejoice in it.

There is joy everywhere if we just slow down, listen, wait and be amazed at it when it appears.

May God joyfully bless you this Season of Praise and be with you throughout the coming year.

They are not forgotten.

Time is something we take for granted. I assume every morning that I will wake up to continue doing my doings. Arrogant, isn't it? When I see that it's been since July for a new blog to post, I am amazed and wonder where the time has gone! Ridiculous. No excuses. Just ineffective use of my time! You see, I spent a lot of time at Woodman State Jail in Gatesville, TX ministering to the women in our Faith Based Dorm. I spend a lot of time reading, sometimes studying; not enough time in the Word (and that's my confession to you!). I spend a lot of time with family, friends and crafting either at retreats or our monthly crops. But I have failed to keep you informed with our ministry and most importantly sharing the many stories that I have promised you; stories that help us understand better "the least of these my brethren" that Jesus asks us to care for and love. And it is the "least of these" I teach, meet with and share a good part of my week with as I go along. I have a dorm of 30-50 women who are hungry for a relationship with the Lord. I have challenges and difficulties each time I make the hour and fifteen minute trek up there. I counsel women on their faith walks, I counsel them on accepting their time inside, I counsel them on family problems including illnesses and deaths while they serve their time. And sometimes I just sit and listen as they talk. It is in those times I am reminded of my time inside the walls that keep out the world. I remember having no one familiar to share my deepest pain with; the pain of losing custody of my sweet daughter and the heartbreak this brought to my son. I remember having to turn to a stranger; a clergy who would let me talk and who would ultimately allow me the security of a place to go when I had no where to go.

I am reminded that life outside those walls went on; I would call my father and he would not have time to talk because he was headed to dinner with his wife. I remember letters that didn't come. I remember my son moving to Houston just after his sister so he could keep close eye on her because he has always felt responsible for her. I remember knowing that life did go on and I was in a place where life became mail call, chow and tv schedules; but little else. And I am reminded that Paul said "Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body." (Hebrews 13:3) for they are a part of the church. I remember Jesus' words, "35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers,[a] you did it to me.’" (Matthew 25:35-40) But just because I find myself busy does not mean that the ladies I serve do not deserve to have their stories told and while I visit them at least twice a week almost every week, I am aware of them as individuals. I am aware of them as lives with stories. I am aware of them as women seeking, stumbling and getting back up, when sometimes their burdens and tears weigh them down.

So when I'm absent, know that I am with them. My story and theirs will be back as I put more time into this blog and others. I will share my heart and theirs. All I ask is that you pray for this ministry, me, and all the women we serve. We all need you to agree with us in prayer to our mighty God who hears our pleas and loves us all. May the God of grace and mercy cover your life with His love.

To God be the Glory

So it's been a month.  Or two.  At last report we had quite a lot to report and yet despite all outward appearances, we had a few things on our mind that most might think would take our eyes off God and onto worldy matters.  But I can't help but smile and know that I am blessed and highly favored.

Somehow we continue to make it, make the dollar meet the month end; find our health hurdles and bumps better than we anticipated and our service to God the dearest part of our life.

I've had to take a little hiatus from my duties as dorm coordinator at Woodman State Jail because of my own health issues but I will, Chaplain and God willing, resume those duties August 1.  I miss the ladies and miss the connection and groundedness they provide in my life and in my walk with Christ.  I have found more than once that the more I study to teach and share, the more I grow and learn myself.  It almost seems a selfish endeavor!  God gives me the task to teach and in turn I learn and grow closer to Him.  What a plan indeed.

Most of all though this last month has been a real struggle in accepting personal physical conditions with some dignity and patience and I've exhibited neither. To pretend I had would be disingenuous to say the least.  I have at times been a downright baby about things, often forgetting that God has His hand on things, that others have and are facing much worse and that frankly, if asked to walk through this challenge, the manner in which I do it does in fact demonstrate some of my personal faith and trust in Jesus.

I am forever grateful that He is such a loving and forgiving God and Savior that I can come to him in my whimpering state and know that His love abounds over me.  Oh how I praise Him that I can rest on this truth above all else.  As I wallow in my bed, cry, sleep, seek the solace of nothingness during my physical trials, I know God waits patiently for me to seek Him out and ask for His help! 

Why oh why didn't I think of that last week!  Don't get me wrong.  As they took my pre-surgical blood draw  I prayed my way through that moment.  As they inserted the IV on surgery day I prayed my way through that dreaded moment (I really hate IV's!)  As they put that mask on my face to administer the anesthesia, I prayed for God's hand and His healing on the situation.  However, when I awoke and found out things did not go as I wanted, I found myself in quite a tizzy and frankly forgot all about those pre-anesthesia prayers for His will and care to be administered.  And yet, despite all, my faith in Him never wavered.  My will might have interfered greatly with the peace He gladly offered, but my faith in knowing He was in control still lay way back in my mind!

Now you may ask yourself, if she has such a tizzy, where does her faith come into play at all?

I can tell you that.  Only five short years ago had I gone through this ordeal, I would have blamed a God I didn't know or acknowledge for everything,  I would have used this whole situation to validate my absence of any faith in Jesus at all.  In fact, the mere fact I was facing any challenge of any size meant there was no God!  But today, tizzy or not, my way or not; I do not question His loving hand on my life.  I do not question His existence, His concern, His care, His love and His involvement in every aspect of this situation and many others in my life. 

Five years ago as I sat in a cold jail cell in late January I would have told you that God had nothing to do with reality and that you were a downright fool, sitting here with me in jail to think He did.  And I was as wrong then and grateful today that I learned all I learned; cold jail cell or not.

Now I have the utter privilege to share with so many women our journey's that grow us closer and closer to Christ; right now through my absence and soon through my return.  I will have something new to share as I walk through this valley and into the sunshine of His love.  I will have a praise report to add to my testimony of God's working in my life and I will add yet another time, another miracle, another distinct moment in my life where I can point to Him, the one who created the Heavens and Earth and say "He carried me yet again."

To God be the Glory.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

My last post.............New Years.  Yes a New Year it has been.  We've been through cancer surgery, my son's engagement, my husband's lay off and shortly after 5 days in ICU for something we are still trying to diagnose.  His oldest daughter's impending birth announcement rounds out four short months.  Challenge after joy after challenge.  A whirlwind.  A storm. 

But I am free.  I am 10 tens from freedom from 5 years probation which started this journey with Christ and this ministry.  I am free to enjoy the wedding and a new baby; free to walk with my husband through his lay off and his cancer surgery and all that goes with walking through life with a loving partner.  I am blessed.  I am without a doubt in a good place despite its outward appearances because I have the love of God walking with us.

This week I was again in Woodman State Jail, working with the women in our new faith based dorm and freedom is something they are fighting.  Freedom in Christ while behind bars, while being yelled at by guards each and every day, while being corralled like livestock from one place to another and seeing freedom in their lives is almost impossible.  And describing freedom in the spirit, in the heart is so hard.  The letters pour in from family; deaths, divorces, children astray, family estranged.  Change and life go on about outside those walls and they are not free to participate in a meaningful way and they fight and they clamor for word from anyone who will listen to them.  They desire to be mothers, sisters, daughters, helpers, friends, lovers, wives.  They desire to take what little faith walk they have begun and instill it into a new life but often...so often, before they get a chance to walk it out, their faith is tested and tried by so many and the smoldering fire just now ignited is tamped out by unknowing or unequipped staff.

It is 3:34 am in Georgetown, TX and I lay in bed, husband next to me and all I can think about is the tears I have shed today over my physical struggles, my husband's physical struggles and a family misunderstanding that has both of us in a place of emotional pain.  Yet, with  Facebook and text messages and a phone laying beside me in bed, it is hard to whine and whimper when answers are instantly at my disposal.  And the ladies I watch tear up each time a new situation occurs where a call can't be made and they wait, hoping for a letter which could be timely or weeks after something major in their life has changed. 

Everything in me knows, both in my life and in theirs that God is sovereign and in control.  God knows my needs and their needs.  He hears our hearts and he weeps with us as we struggle in this life.  He knows what He intends for us and He knows what He cannot do for us in this moment and what we must go through in order to develop into who we must be.  Yet, those tiny faces, blurred in a sea of white broadcloth uniforms, taking all sense of individuality away from each of them, they stay with me as I drive home and each word I spoke that night comes back to me.  Was it what God wanted to say, did I allow the Holy Spirit to operate or did Leslie operate tonight?  Did I surrender the microphone to God or did Leslie preach her sermon?  Did anything touch any heart?  Did someone hear something that will get them through this moment?

And today, what words did I remember as I cried, ached and laid in bed in pain from my own personal physical challenges.  Did I listen for God or did I forget what I taught?  Is God asking something of me I feel ill equipped to handle or did I surrender so He could use me as He wills?  Did I hypocritically stand up and say one thing and experience something else entirely when it came my time to take on the will of God, His burden on my shoulder?

Four months is only 2/3rds of the time I spent in WILCO and it drug by there but flew by out here.  Now these last ten days are slowing down, each one dragging along and what a silly clock to watch it seems until I remember that it is God's glory in my life that brought me to this place of freedom I never thought I would see.  I will be restored a citizen of my country with all the rights and privileges of citizenship I once thought gone.  I leave the 120 degree dorm in which the women, clothed in heavy broadcloth lay at night hoping to make it another night in a heat beyond what we think we can endure; and I climb into my Ford Escape, turning the ignition on and immediately cranking up the A/C so that I might feel the cool sooner than later. 

Joy walks in my life as I never thought I would see.  I look at the smile on my son's face and I know God restores all and all I can do is pray that each of the women I interact with get the chance for restoration to those that they yearn for and desire.  I pray that cool air passes over them and I pray for their joy to be felt deep in their heart more than the trials of life inside takes a part of them.

God my heart is yours to pour out, so teach me how to give freely of it, without restraint.  Give it the way Jesus did as He encountered each and every person.  Let my heart reflect His.  Let my words become His words.  Let my life become His instrument.  Let me just get out of the way and walk in your will for my life.  Let me know and cherish joy and let me walk through the breaking as it needs to happen. 

Let me be still and know...........and know you are God.

All New Years start with........

resolutions.

Don't they?

Mine seem to and in most cases the year ends with a new list looking a lot like the old one.   But some things get marked off and some things continue as they should.

One year my list was to increase my service to God and His Kingdom.  Not a bad resolution and one I should keep, increase and stay focused on without lag.  I can be busy with the busy of life but I cannot be too busy to serve God.

And for me, serving God means serving women in prison through other ministries; discipling them as best I can as I was discipled and showing them the love they can trust, God's love through my eyes and heart and time.  I feel wonderful in prison (knowing I can walk out of course) but working with these women and sharing with them the hope that is theirs as well as mine.  I love taking the time to teach and listen and cry and walk with them through their journey.  I come home feeling blessed and joyful and happy!  I cannot tell you how much!

I just finished up a session of Celebrate Recovery with the ladies in 3E at the Lockhart Unit and celebrated their 6 month graduation from the faith based dorm.  What a joy it was to get to know each and every one of them.  I watched faith grow, faith questioned, change happen and God working.

These ladies, despite their fears of sharing too much, trusting others or God, dug in deep and worked hard to find the areas of their life that at this moment they were ready to deal with and let God heal.

Seeing them each week, singing praise songs side by side, working through a tough curriculum made each week a new experience but a joyful part of my week.

I already miss them.  Some I continue to hear from; others I do not.  I am moving on to the Woodman Unit teaching Beth Moore's Breaking Free and facilitating Bridges to Life Groups on Monday nights.  I will adore working with these ladies as well and I will find connection, family and love as I do so.

My New Years resolution; just keep doing what I'm doing and loving God, my family and His family as He commands me to do to the best of my ability and with more reliance on the Holy Spirit to pour out that love, the love I once so needed and now so need to share.

May God richly bless your New Year and may He direct your path to your ministry.

The holidays.........

Happy Holidays?

I don't think so. It's Christmas. It's Christ's birth celebration.

And we gather round our families, dinner tables laden with the most savory foods and wonderful desserts. We exchange gifts. We may even sing carols and participate in church programs. We are busy and filled with a special joy that at no other time do we feel.


But there are places that aren't laden with wonderful foods and gifts all around. There are women and men who want the day to pass quickly and quietly so they don't have to ponder their families "out there" without them.

They sit behind their bars and may receive a hygiene package from the Salvation Army or a small pack of necessities given by a ministry here and there. But they are not allowed to share with one another if they can afford commissary and another inmate cannot. They are not allowed to watch every sappy Christmas movie on TV. They are not even in some units allowed to gather together simply to break out in carols if they choose.

I was fortunate during my incarceration; because I did not miss Thanksgiving or Christmas. I did not miss out on the holidays that in our family were of the highest importance. I may have missed other holidays and birthdays but I was home in time for the holidays and I cannot imagine what my state of mind might have been had I had to spend Christmas behind bars.

Especially in the early days of my time behind bars, those times when I did not have a relationship with Christ, Christmas would have had a far different meaning to me and I would have focused totally on what I was missing and what I did not have and could not do. I would not have focused on the birth of our Savior and the grand plan the God of all had put in place.

I pray as you gather round your tables and trees and gather in celebration; that you say a prayer to the one who came to save, for each and every man and woman currently behind bars. I pray you lift them up that they find peace and the love that only God can provide during this very special time of year and no matter your circumstances or what you face, realize you are blessed beyond measure. You are out here, reading this blog, preparing for your "holidays" and hopefully focusing on the great "I AM". He was born a baby, brought the Good News to us that we can be saved and died on a cross for each and everyone of us; even the least of us we may want to forget about.

Pray for them. Those you might call your enemies. Pray. And be thankful and joyful. Christ is born.

Learning to love

Last night I finished rereading the letters I had written to my father during my incarceration. Wow.

I remember thinking I was writing pleading, but loving letters of apology and remorse. Our memory is jaded in times of stress to say the least.

Bottom line, I was angry. I was bitter and hateful and striking out at the only person that seemed to be working the most to take care of my life details and staying in touch with me through it all! I not only lashed out at my father through almost all the letters in the first two months but I confessed just about every negative, horrible, criminal, immoral act I had ever committed for great shock value! I was "off the chain"!

Then "the letter" - the letter after the night I accepted Christ and I could read something new. A peace, a calm, a resolve; but more importantly a reaching out to my dad that I cared and I was sorry and I truly wanted something different. I expressed my confusion at my life without blame and anger. I wrote about my childhood memories and experiences with a broken but hopeful heart. I wrote page after page that sounded like a different person than before.

Then there was silence.

My Dad sent me all the letters he could find that I had mailed to him during my time in jail; letter after angry letter for two and half months...then "the letter"...then silence.

When he sent the letters to me he included a short note:

Hi Hon:

Here are all that I can find.

There seems to be a large gap in correspondence from the end of April until shortly before your release. That may be due to more phone calls - I dunno.

Love,
Dad

Due to more phone calls? There were very few calls during that time. I remember going from constantly calling and constantly begging to a time of peace with God as I read the Bible and walked through the first few months of my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I knew, when I read the short note that there were no missing letters. There was a special time in which I was totally focused on God and the only letters I wrote were to the clergy, Joy, asking questions and writing about what I was reading.

I do remember that time; a special, private time that God and I became friends. A time alone when He told me things I had never known about Him and about me. A time when my heart was softening, my words were changing and my actions were focused more on others than myself. I was talking with others about God, I was reading and sharing when asked and I was spending time alone rather than in the fray of things.

My final letter to my Dad before I was released was gentle, kind, hopeful but somewhat scared of the future. I thanked him for all he had done and talked about what it had been like inside. I described a sincere desire to have God heal my heart. I have him a glimpse of the women I had met (without the purpose of scaring him or manipulating him into action.) I talked about how Joy and I were talking about creating a ministry and what that would mean for my life outside of here. I even said I realized now how all this was the best thing to ever happen to me as I knew I was on a downward spiral that wasn't going to end well.

Mostly I talked about life in jail; the legend of Jeffrey (the jailhouse ghost) and singing with the girls during times of levity. I talked about seeing people differently and learning to have tolerance where anger and arrogance had always been.

The letter was eight pages long and expressed everything I had been through and how my life was going to change but I was okay with that, no matter how hard.

I had learned that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13) and that meant walking out the doors and living a life Christ would approve. I was changed. And I think it showed in this last letter. I was 35 days away from release and I was focused on my son's birthday, moving in with Joy and reassuring him I was fine physically and emotionally.

And it ended with:

"...I am sorry for all I've put everyone through but in the end its done some really wonderful things. For one thing I've been able to finally see how much my own Dad loves me; something I never believed before. It has to be all uphill fro here. I'll be in touch soon but maybe not before I am out. I love you. Les"


As insane as it seems, I learned to love in jail.

Excuses and Explanations

I was facing my attorney through the glass window; he asked "Were you on drugs? alcohol? something I can use a defense?"

"No," I replied, head down, hands folded in front of me.

"They have you on camera, there really isn't any way out of this. But if you can give me your reasoning, what you were thinking."

A few weeks later, standing in the court room, the prosecutor asked "Do you have a drug or alcohol problem?"

Then the Court Clerk, conducting the pre-probation interview asked the same thing. "What were you thinking? Do you have a drug addiction or problem with alcohol?" She was angry and barely kept her voice from echoing through the room. She kept at me, "What were you thinking, give me an excuse for this kind of behavior!"

Everyone wanted a reason, an excuse really, that would allow them to be okay with my crimes. Heck, didn't they know I wanted the same thing? I wanted a really good excuse that would allow me to just walk away from this and get the pity and leniency that others were being shown.

I told my attorney about my childhood sexual abuse, about how lonely and scared and tired I was. I told him about working long hours for the Department of Family and Protective Services and how I was owed over $1200 in travel expenses and money was non-existent for me. I told him lots of things; excuses but not explanations.

I didn't want to sound like I was making excuses, in my heart I really wanted to take full responsibility and I wanted people to see that in my eyes and hear it in my voice and realize that I felt true repentance and shame and guilt; not at getting caught but at what I had done. I wanted them to know I wasn't just some "habitual criminal" that thought I deserved whatever I could get and yet........

There are no excuses or explanations or any words that make bad judgment, bad decisions, bad behavior okay. It is what it is. It's a mistake, some worse than others but all just big ole mistakes. But it's really more than that; it's sin. It's a break from God's moral law and His best idea of who we are. And it is only Him that can make us clean and pure in His eyes again.

But praise Him for so long ago, thousands of years before I would make my "mistakes", He would make a way to preserve, redeem and reconcile He and I. Praise Him for knowing and for creating my salvation long before anyone would know I would need it and praise Him for allowing me the opportunity to need Him so much that I would break down every objection to Him I ever had so that I could accept His free gift of forgiveness, mercy, grace and love.

I've often heard the women I work with say "I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to explain what happened." The crazy truth is there is little difference between an excuse and an explanation. The truth is I have suffered some of the same tragic experiences that they have; some more, some less. But our past is not an excuse or explanation of our choice of sin. The bible tells us that our sin nature is part of our flesh; and we can either walk in the flesh and go about sinning or we can call upon the power of the Holy Spirit to help us walk with Him and follow only His will for our life.

Today I hope I walk more in the Spirit than in the flesh; I hope as I walk along people see the glow of Him in my life and they don't have to ask "Give me a reason why you did that?" but instead ask "How is it you can do that, I want to live like that!" And I can say, "There's only one explanation and His name is Jesus Christ!"

I hope someday someone will say that to me.....that someday they will want what I have in my heart and they will want it because the way I walk through life shows something that they don't often see. But mostly I want to live a life free of excuses and explanations; living more for Him and less for me.  Everyday, I want to live more in a way that doesn't have a need of excuses and explanations.  Every day I want a chance to say "I do what I do because I have Jesus." and know that is the only explanation that is valid.  Anything less is an excuse for poor living and poor living is sin.  Rich in the Lord; poor in sin.  Explain away that, if you can.  .

We went out to the Lockhart unit, our fourth trip taking Celebrate Recovery Inside to the faith based dorm and as always God is working in each lady; some resistant, some ambivalent, some hungry and anxious. But we do see things happening.

While our ministry sits in a season of sowing and fertilizing; of gathering and refocusing, I am enjoying the time I am spending with God of Hope Ministries and Bridges to Life. They are keeping me humble, grounded and feeling lifted up to the Lord.

Ecc 3:1-8

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.

Change is something no one seems to do well.  From changes in our lives, our relationships or our routines.  Change is something I learned about in jail; change from this dorm to that, this tank to that, this bunk to that; this schedule and routine to that.  I didn't like it but it wasn't my choice and I learned for the first time in my life, it was a part of life.

The same holds true for how we spend our time, who we have in our lives and what we can count on to be true.  God tells us nothing stays constant in the world we see but Him.  There is a time for everything and everything changes.

My ladies in Woodman and Lockhart live with change.  They live with the overpowering knowledge that tomorrow they could be wisked hundreds of miles away from one unit to another and not just a few doors down but literally to a city and unit that they have no idea where in the state it is; but they must go because the handcuffs that bind them are hard to break.

Out here in the world we think our lives are our own but we forget that we are His and He has plans that are in motion.  We can fight it but the seasons He lays out in our lives are the seasons we will walk through and trusting His purpose for them is the trust we lay at His feet if we are believers.

Change is our part of our lives.  Sowing and reaping, living and dying, laughing and crying, tearing and mending, speaking and silence.  Our family learned this recently and I am reminded that in the end days especially we will find times of turmoil and toil; brother against brother; believer against non believers and change we did not want or could not forsee is a part of a grander plan.

I can only take peace from what I know is constant.  I have a loving, forgiving, everlasting Father in Heaven, whose plans for me are grander than this station in which I find myself and this circumstance that seems so hard.  Our task is to walk through changes and not let the changes change us unless we are certain it is of God's molding and firing but trusting He has our back in all things and He is our rock in the storm.

I pray that today.  My house is shaken but my faith in Him is not.  I'm holding on.

Vengeance is mine.........

I have to admit, I've been watching the Casey Anthony case for the last month.  I had strong opinions about her guilt or innocence and having stood before a judge and a room full of people angry and filled with disdain to say the least toward me personally, I had some idea how it feels to be "judged" by strangers.

As the trial progressed I was sure she was guilty and I was sure she would be convicted; I also became, like many, convinced she would face the death penalty. 

But I had other thoughts as well.  I wondered about her salvation, about whether she was being ministered to and whether she was getting the loving support of Christians who could look past her actions (or alleged actions) to tell her the Good News of her Lord and Savior.  Had she faced the outcome of lethal injection, I DID wonder, who is considering her afterlife and her reconciliation with God.

And even today I wonder who is talking to her about her relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Despite the actions of our lives, we all fall short of the grace and glory of God.  And each and every one of us, in little and big ways have sinned in the eyes of a purely just and righteous God.  In the passion of the headlines and the opinions we form based on news and what we believe our knowledge to be, we often forget that the ultimate questions aren't in this life and in our behaviors as much as our ultimate relationship with Jesus.

I avoid most posts about current events.  I focus on the ladies that we have served and those I meet as I walk into the TDCJ units.  I focus on the ladies I can talk with and share my story with that I hope provides hope and a new look at life as it relates to a life "in Christ".  But this case brought home many emotions in me that I wanted to share; I have been judged and not liked due to my crimes.  I still feel the sting of how my crimes were catagorized and the outcomes today.  I still cannot practice my profession and its still up in the air if I ever will be able to do so.  But I am not the person I was then and I have in my life someone who overshadows all that the world has to say about me.  I rejoice in that.

More than what we think about any case or person we see on the news, the outrage over their actions, the disgust that we somehow are "above" that action or person; we need to remember that we are sinners.  All.  Sin lies deep in each of us and none of us will avoid standing before the Lord. 

No matter what you think about this case or others; remember that our right standing with God is what comes first.  Focusing on our own relationship with Christ will help us deal in a gentler manner with others.  I am reminded of a famous tele-evangelist saying "We aren't called to judge anyone; we are called to love." 

Yes, I agree the heinous acts of some make it hard to "love them" and to find sympathy but if we hope to find ourselves standing before the Lord with more than negatives on our list of "things to discuss" we might want to summon up some emotion outside of hate, rage and anger toward others.  I may still believe Ms. Anthony guilty of her crimes but I am reminded of God's words...."'Vengeance is mine,'saith the Lord." I must leave it in His hands and focus on me and my relationship with Him.  I have to sigh, then look to Him.  Heavenly Father, I ask only for peace and for all hearts that need your love be filled to the full.  In Jesus name, Amen.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/07/casey-anthony-jury-reaches-verdict/1

Germination

Its been a while. Time passes so quickly we cannot even keep up. Our days are busy, fast and filled with tasks and keeping up with a blog, a business or three and a ministry! Things suffer. This is one of them.

I wished I could say we've moved from our old address and set up housing in a new location but that's not the case; yet. I wished I could say our ministry is growing by leaps and bounds and God is blessing it over and over but it appears He has us in a season of germination.

What I can say is that while we wait on what the Lord directs us to do, we are filled with a happy anticipation that our will is in line with His will and we walk with an assurance that things will come in time.

Right now, we build businesses in the hopes that someday we can employ those coming out of prison and give them liveable wages and a sense of empowerment and self esteem through a hard days honest work. We talk to many about the needs of the ministry and the growing number of homeless in the community. We talk with those working inside the system and we support ourselves and our families through it all.

We have redeemed lives, you see. Lives through Christ that are not what we expected or planned but lives so full to the brim with joy and focus and fulfillment that we cannot find things to complain about and when we do find ourselves griping about this little thing and that....well we find ourselves really rethinking our priorities in life and I for one, immediately go back to scripture to find my roots and reground myself in His truth.

I am happy that I am part of something building toward God's will and I feel that I am walking in His purpose for my life as I work with other organizations and that's wonderful, fabulous and well, its fun! I am His child, busy and happy and loved. Not all days are great and perfect; some are even painful. But I am in the midst of learning more and more how to trust Him in all things and to stop when I find fear creep in, an errant thought or a leaning to the old ways of living. I recognize that I am called to a greater standard and a higher example to others because I have chosen to serve God in my life without exception. And when I get impatient I am reminded that this plan I walk out is not mine and I must slow as He slows me and speed up as He speeds things up. I am to walk with a grace He provides, use a soft voice in most cases and speak strong and loud His name for His sake, not mine.


Memorial Day passed quietly in our family this year. My children enjoyed time with their father and his family while I spent time with my new husband (of three years) and his family. Mark and I enjoyed a wonderful day on Monday just doing things we don't normally do; taking in some local sights and spending time in a local game room at the bowling alley. Life was pleasant.

Next Monday I will resume my facilitation of the Bridges to Life classes in Woodman State Jail working with the women who have chosen to walk through some tough curriculum but wanting something so new to walk them out the gates. In July I will begin taking Celebrate Recovery into the Lockhart units to more women who want to walk through addiction recovery before they leave their tenure behind bars and it appears that is precisely where the Lord is leading me; to work with other ministries that need help while God makes His plans for our ministry clear.

How I love the uncertainty of what God has in mind; keeping us humbled in our plans and on our toes. I trust in Him and am ever grateful always that I am a part of His plans.

And when I question my part in everything, that too sends me back to scripture to be reminded who I am to my creator....and I realize nothing is beyond me as long as I am His. God Bless each and every one of you who choose to read my thoughts and share in our story as it unfolds. He is faithful and I am growing in my faithfulness to His work. Until the next time, find the blessings in the work you do, the company you keep and the quiet of your life.

Free gift with purchase

Some friends of mine have all started cutting and couponing. Like the show, we've started a Facebook group called Coupon Divas and sharing what we find where, what bargains are to be had and what savings are in our local papers. In this economy, the idea of a group sharing resources and information just makes sense.

So much so that one lady even quoted

Proverbs 27:12 "A sensible person sees danger and takes cover, the inexperienced keep going and are punished"

in her interpretation to help us understand God's perspective on preparing for a later day through stockpiling basic needs and blessing others when the need arises.

I have to admit, getting great deals and using our money in wise and careful ways makes sense. Especially in this economy, most will tout the wisdom and the encourage the behavior and I can't say that I object.

And yet, as I thinking about coupons for the best deal and I started searching to find my friends reference I came across this:

Romans 5:16 "And the result of God's gracious gift is very different from the result of that one man's sin. For Adam's sin led to condemnation, but God's free gift leads to our being made right with God, even though we are guilty of many sins."

And I am reminded that there is but one coupon I need and one plan that will deliver me from danger, harm and destruction; that is the coupon I turned in the day I accepted Christ. It wasn't a tangible piece of paper that saved me a dollar on a pack of dental floss. I didn't splash it all over a Facebook page or website touting my own accomplishment and wisdom; rather, in the quiet of my jail cell I turned over my coupon of salvation, my certificate of life to the One who created me, loves me and wants only the very best for me. I asked He take all that I had that I considered mine and gave it back to the one to whom it really belonged, my Savior.

My freebie coupon, my free gift with purchase was that of my own salvation paid for by the blood of Christ. I could in no way afford this gift and therefore, He gave it free. Free with purchase.

It's the new mantra of the Coupon Divas, "free" and those friends all learning "extreme couponing" aren't happy unless we find someway to coupon our way to "free".

But I will also know, above all else, that the most "extreme" of all gifts with purchase offers was that of the gift given on the cross.

The winds of change

Tornadoes are ripping across our country, its amazing to see the devastation and feel the sense of smallness in our world. Lives are being changed each moment as the weather whips and whirls around us. Fires are burning up acres and acres of land, homes, possessions; taking the lives of firefighters and we are almost helpless against it all.

Monday night I sat with nine women serving at least a one year sentence at the Woodman State Jail. To most who look in on this exchange, we cannot imagine anything more devastating as being convicted of a crime and being in prison for even a night! But then we watch the news and are reminded that there are more frightening experiences and more devastating experiences.

As the ten of us talked, I asked them, "Is this the worst experience of your life? the hardest thing you've ever had to endure?" I was not surprised (of course I've lived behind bars and I knew the answer.) as heads shook back and forth; no this was not the hardest thing they'd ever lived through. We found a common ground.

This was not the worst. In only a short hour we had already begun learning that our lives had been intersected with common ground; abuse, neglect, sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse, drug use, bad trips on bad drugs, addiction, loss, harsh pimps, crime in our homes against us.

While each of us in that room had committed crime, we all were able to identify at least one crime perpetrated against us. We were reminded of loss, death, abandonment and devastating, final, terminal conditions in our lives. And like those experiencing the tornadoes, floods and fires currently washing across our country, we knew that no matter how limiting, harsh and frightening prison and jail are, no matter how much we have already endured; our hope lies somewhere else.

Our hope, our ability to wake up in the morning, face the devastation of life - we have to believe in something grander, larger, more loving and compassionate that our current condition. Our hope lies in our redeemer who has in store for us outcomes we cannot know. And like those staring at the rubble of their homes, those in prison stare daily at the rubble of their lives and yet still believe that life can be okay, different, better, more, full, abundant, joyful.

The evening ended with prayer and hugs. Women, many who are not friends, who are not kind or cordial inside those walls with one another, began to find a common place to come together and a common means to be moved by their shared stories and lives. And in the end, when the dust clears and the wind calms, what matters most is the calm that is faith in Jesus Christ.

Let the storms come as they will, let the heartache flood us and let our circumstances be what they will; for in the end we must learn to trust in the One who created us, loves us and knows what our lives are to be. Prison, fire, flood; joy, peace, calm. Some things are not our choice, our responses always are!

Rituals

Everything seems to have a ritual; the first day of school requires children lined up on sidewalks and front door poses for the camera, brides follow the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue", new jobs require a half day of benefits and payroll paperwork....and being released from prison has its own set of rituals.

Inside the gates, women are given Salvation Army rejected clothing, usually men's clothing and processed out with a release packet and divided by front entry release or bus station release. Those at the bus station release are gathered together, shuffled outside with their $50 gate check and taken to Waco, TX bus station. There, a guard arranges for the destination and they are left. The rituals are over. The semblance of familiar is replaced with uncertainty and often fear.

Front gate releasees are greeted by family, friends, perhaps a church outreach or a ministry much like ours; providing a greeting ministry that begins the aftercare provided by Spirit House Ministries. In our Front Gate Ministry, we bring along a set of brand new clothing with tags still hanging. Head to toe coverage; top, bra, jeans, panties, shoes and usually something special thrown in for a reintroduction into their life as a woman on the outside such as a pair of earrings, a bottle of perfume or a small make up bag with essentials.

And for us, as with many who have family or friends, several women are gathered together again inside this Shell station, in the restrooms changing their clothes and usually throwing the rejected Salvation Army clothing into the trash outside. This ritual is both for the mental health of the woman and for the symbolic ritual of putting the new wine into new wine skins. Their new life deserves new clothing; not hand me down, overused and usually gender improper clothing; but beautiful new clothing, shoes that fit and colors that remind them they are women.

You can only imagine the joy these women feel, as they pull out of a bag a complete outfit, sized as best as we could but chosen with them in mind. Great care is taken to choose attractive clothing with a modest appearance.

For our ministry, the rituals continue from Front Gate to First Meal. We always take our ladies out for the restaurant meal of their choice. We've had everything from Arby's to Mc Donalds to Chilis to a Chinese Buffet. There is always something these ladies have craved, missed or seen too many commercials for during their incarceration.

The ritual ends and the retraining and reentry begin.